Today we’re going to talk about how to know if a guy wants kids and how to choose the “Right Guy” when you’ve got your own personal man-harem.
“Hello, I’ve recently read the article “Is He a Waste of Your Time?” and I really appreciate the advice. I’m 31 years old and definitely don’t want to waste my time with the wrong guy. Not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for me. I would rather not waste much time at all (I even think 6 month is a long time to figure this out) or get too attached to someone only to realize later that my partner doesn’t want any kids at all. Hence, I would like to know that as soon as possible in the relationship. In figuring out if the boyfriend and I want the same things in the future, how and when should I approach this subject without scaring the guy away but having reassurance with regards to his stance on the baby/family question?” —Theresa
Thanks for your question.
Here’s EXACTLY what you should do:
(I know this works because it worked on me a few years back when my fiancé and I first got together.)
1. DON’T do the “You have to tell me you want kids right here right now” thing on your first date with a guy. That’s way too heavy and makes guys think your womb is some kind of ticking clock that can only be diffused by sucking away his manly essence. (woah.) Even guys who DO want kids are going to be put off by a woman who leads with the kids thing or seems OBSESSED with kids.
2. DO talk about the kids you want to have someday casually and without including the guy you’re actually dating at all.
For instance, if you’re really into hitting the slopes you say something like “Yeah, my dad taught me to ski when I was like 3 years old. Someday when I meet the guy I’m going to marry and have kids I’m going to get them on the slopes as soon as they’re able to walk.”
And that’s it.
No “meaningful gaze” or anything like that. No pregnant pause.
This isn’t something you want to overdo. (A little goes a long way) but by doing it this way you are . . .
1. Making it 100% clear that you want to have children.
2. Keeping the “pressure” pretty light by saying “someday.”
3. Showing that you’re not marking this guy for DADDYHOOD right off the bat (that’s why you say “the guy I’m going to marry.”
Like I said, my fiancé did something similar to me and it let me know in no uncertain terms that if I wanted to be with her long term that rugrats were going to be part of the equation.
Once a couple months have gone by and you guys have gotten more serious you can have “the talk” and say “I really like where things are going and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about what our futures might be.”
And then you talk about it like adults. Most guys don’t have the “overwhelming desire to have children” that a lot of women do but warm up to the idea as they get a little older and grow the heck up.