M.P. Georgia asks…
“I am a daily reader of your e-mails. I believe that all your e-mails are very interesting. Here is a question for you: Could a man be so hurt by a previous relationship, that he won’t be able to start a new one?..
Could he be afraid of commitment? or just traumatise? Perhaps.? ….. Would help me to get an answer.
I know you will have an answer or advice for me to cope with this. It is killing my head…
Thanks a bunch…”
Thanks for your question. Let me turn it around on you:
Could *you* be so hurt by a marriage or a relationship that you’d find it hard to move on with somebody else?
Well, yeah. Of course. (I mean, sheesh, I get dozens of emails a day from women saying they gnaw their lips and shiver at the very IDEA of being with a man again after what that “jerk” did to her. So . . . you know.)
Anyway: I’m actually in the middle of finishing up a new (cheap) kindle ebook called “6 Ways To Crack The Man Code: How To Get Any Guy To Open Up” which is all about men’s emotions, how they’re different than women’s and how to talk to guys in a way that he’ll actually respond to (instead of grunting and hiding in the corner.) – Hoping to have it for you next week.
But the point for now is that guys DO have emotions, guys DO get beat up and brutalized by love and guys do spend years and years licking their wounds and building scabs around their hearts so they won’t get hurt again.
Actually, I’ve got a term for these guys. I call them “Wounded Bears” because they’re big and lumbering and quiet and are prone to taking your head off if you get too close. (Also, they like honey and peanut butter.)
Now, three big things here:
1. You didn’t say what kind of trauma your guy went through, but it’s good that you’ve got some sympathy for him.
2. I say this in my “Relationship Bill Of Rights” video, but just because you’ve got sympathy for a guy and the crap he’s gone through doesn’t mean you should allow him to project it onto you or let yourself be punished for the sins of other women.
One of my big pet peeves is when folks write in saying stuff like “Well, my boyfriend has to understand that my EX boyfriend cheated on me and so he has to be EXTRA sensitive and isn’t allowed to have any female friends at all.”
Because that’s crap.
Like I say in this video:
“You have the right To Be Judged And Treated According To Your Own Words And Actions, not on the words and actions of the other douchebags, crazy chicks or dorks your partner may have dated in the past.”
So if you want to be with this guy you’ve got to be ready to stand up for yourself, realize his pain has nothing to do with you and make sure you don’t give away everything you are for him.
3. He’s not ready and you can’t save him. Yeah, it’s romantic to think you can be his Florence Nightingale, but men almost never end up with the women they see right after a breakup or divorce. Give him time and space. Move on. Maybe come back later. Maybe.
And let’s do one more:
Wonder Woman asks…
“My sweetheart has asked me to take it slow. I’m respecting that by giving him the time he needs. It’s been 4.5 months . We talk almost daily . We keep in touch we have had 5 ‘dates’ alone and 6-8 other times meeting in groups. He has a 15 year old son every other weekend . Anyway I haven’t had a real kiss yet – 2 brush of lips kisses .. And I finally got a real flirt with him via text. How much time will he need ? I’m almost 52 not getting any younger here!”
Hey Wonder Woman,
Are you sure he’s your sweetheart?
Honestly, WW, this sounds weird. Taking it slow is fine, but this is glacial. If he’s going THIS slow it either means he’s not attracted to you physically (he could be gay and closeted. He could be asexual) or he’s got major hang ups around physical stuff (the plumbing doesn’t work as well as it used to), or he’s just too beat up from his old relationship to have anything serious.
Either way, stop waiting around.
Like I always say “NEVER WAIT FOR A MAN.”
It just builds resentment.
Just tell him “I really like you, but I can’t keep waiting around for something that might never happen. Look me up when you’re ready and if I’m available we’ll see what happens.”
And then move on.