By  ·  · Shares

Today I’m going to give my flat out opinion on whether you should wait until marriage . . .

Marie asks . . .
“So I’ve been reading a few of your articles and books, which I do like a lot. However, I am constantly told that making love is one of the best parts of the relationship, it brings the couple together, etc.
I’m not particularly religious or anything, but I want to stay a virgin until marriage. Are there any other ways I can keep a relationship together without hopping into bed?”

Hey Marie,
Um. Board games?
OK, that was snarky and not even particularly true.
Because you CAN do the “no s#& until marriage” thing successfully as long as . . .

1. You’re up front with a guy about that from the beginning (because if you spring that on a guy after a month or two of dating he’s going to feel like you just dropped an icicle down his pants.)

2.You’re with a guy who’s got his moral compass pointed in the same direction as you do and is as committed to waiting as you are. (And isn’t secretly a repressed gay guy who’s just relieved that you don’t try to put your hand down his pants.)

3.You’re planning on getting married “soonish” so neither one of you doesn’t have to wait years.

4. You don’t let “dear god I really need to get laid” be the driving reason that you’re making an emotional, cultural and financial commitment that will effect every damned aspect of your life and possibly leave you bitter, angry and hating men forever and ever and ever.

5. You’re not using the “waiting until marriage” thing as an excuse to cover up a fear of emotional and/or physical intimacy.

Personally, I’m against waiting that long to dive into bed together and I’ll tell you why.
In Make Him Beg to Be Your Boyfriend and other stuff I’ve written I do talk about the shear amount of power that women give away in the dating world as soon as they get into bed with a guy.

And that’s true, to a point. One of the worst things you can do if you want a committed
relationship is go to bed with a guy on the first or second date.

And if you make the mistake of falling into the “Friends With Benefits” trap with
a guy it’s REALLY hard to climb your way back out again.

But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

The tension leading up to that first (and second, and 5th) time together can be delicious and should be savored.

But after you’ve actually gotten a guy to commit to you in some way, swear off other girls and actually be your boyfriend, then at least SOME kind of physicality isn’t just appropriate it’s kind of required and healthy . . .

Why?

Well . . .
1. “Finally getting to have sex” is a really awful reason to make a emotional, social and financial commitment that’s going to affect every aspect of your life for years to come.

Listen: Hormones (especially young men hormones) are POWERFUL.
And, as we’ve seen again and again, guys will do ANYTHING (even really idiotic things) to get into a girl’s pants.
When you decide to get married, it should be because you’ve figured out who you are, what you want and where you want to be in life and can honestly look at the man or woman across from you and see them as the partner you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.

I get emails ALL THE TIME, mostly from religiously conservative folks, talking about how they got married way too young and that the wedding night (and the chance to finally pop the seal) was a huge part of it.

2. You NEED to know if you’re physically compatible with someone BEFORE you get hitched.
Forever is a long time. When you’re married to someone it’s your JOB to be there for them both in bed and out of bed. Do you really want to marry a guy only to find out that you’re totally incompatible a few weeks or months into your marriage?

3. It makes the horizontal salsa too big of a deal.
Yes, what happens between the sheets is wonderful and fun and passionate and emotional and sacred.
But it’s not THAT big of a deal if you do it right.
Personally (and some folks disagree with me on this) I don’t think anybody should
get married until their 30 or so, until they’ve had their heart broken
at least once and until they’ve had a chance to sow their oats a bit.

Commitment works MUCH better when it’s something you choose than when it’s something you feel like you’re forced into.

Michael Fiore

Internationally recognized as the foremost expert on how to have great relationships in the modern world, Michael is blunt, funny, and always honest.

In 2011, Michael appeared on “The Rachael Ray” show with his popular “Text The Romance Back Program” (Rachael said he gave her “chills”). Since then Michael has given women X-Ray vision into men’s minds with “The Secret Survey”, helped thousands rebuild relationships with “Text Your Ex Back”, and has become an Amazon Best Selling Author.

Michael lives in Seattle, WA and is currently hard at work on his next shocking, straightforward and really, really useful program.

What Do You Think?

5 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Kerry Swanson Mar 20, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Hey Michael,

    Great article. The five points are well-taken… can I offer you my perspective though?

    I’m a 24-year-old who’s never had sex, and I’m totally okay with that. I have a good sex drive (wow, look at his hands… yum) but I am really enjoying my time as a single young woman without ties in my life until I meet someone who is lifetime or husband material. I enjoy kissing, holding hands etc. with some physical boundaries while I’m getting to know someone and then walk away if it isn’t going to work. I’d much rather take it slow and think through a relationship before I set those bonding chemicals at work for my sake and the guy’s! Broken hearts happen sometimes but they are sure nice to avoid ;).

    Sex is such an incredible thing, yet it only makes up part of a successful relationship. I think physical attraction is critical, like that snap of chemistry when your hand tingles the first time he holds it…. but gosh, I’d hate to have one bad night or even one week of bad sex and determine that the relationship is incompatible. I think building a strong bond with a partner outside of the sex doing activities and communicating together can certainly increase that bond and make sex better, because you’re already thinking the same and problem-solving, which translates into the bedroom too.

    And yes, I’m gonna call you out just a little bit on the religious comments. Getting married to get into bed is a terrible idea, true, but getting into any serious relationship just to get into bed is a bad idea, whether you’re looking just for a boyfriend or a husband. I feel like that’s kind of a big generalization… works out bad for some but not all. It’s helped some couples think carefully before getting married because they know it’s a huge commitment! It’s absolutely your call, your life, but please let’s not boil this down to religion again. Some people are just different, and that’s what makes the world a beautiful place.

    Thanks for reading, best of luck in your search for love!

    Yours truly,

    Kerry

    Reply
  • Nadua Jun 24, 2015 at 11:56 am

    I’m also still a virgin age 28 and almost got married but unfortunately he past away, i also maid my self the promiss that ill wait for merrage. I am a person that also believe in love at first sight, thats how i met my first love. i havent fell inlove since and its been 3years now. There are some good guys that cross my path,but i just dont get any feeling. I need your help #advice

    Reply
  • daba Nov 23, 2014 at 3:30 am

    Awesome! I loved reading. Thanks for sharing

    Reply
  • Elizabeth Apr 8, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Do you think there are some relationships out there that can stand better the test of time outside of marriage (my mother often refers to the relationship of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel with this, a relationship of two people, never married, but been together for 30 years)? I’m a 22 year old girl in a 1 and a half years relationship with my boyfriend, and your advice, articles, and programs have been helping me “reprogram” my female mind to relax and stay calm. But I still ask whether if I would be happier getting married or just being in a long-standing relationship? The thought of marriage scares me because I’ve witnessed my mother’s marriages fall apart, including with my father, and, especially after all the information I’ve gathered from you, I am starting to belief more in trust than monogamy. But it still stands: do you think there are some relationships that better not being married? Or any that you know of? I think some people see marriage as the Holy Grail of relationships, but, again using the celebrity couple reference, it doesn’t always seem to be the case. Why is the statistic for marriage ending in divorces seemingly increasing, but couples who choose not to get married seem to stay together longer than married couples?

    Reply
    • Marie   Elizabeth Apr 30, 2013 at 6:59 am

      Elizabeth, I got married at 22 and have been married for 16 years. Whether you get married or not, there will be times that it will be easier to break up, and it’s the commitment that matters. I preferred the traditional route, marriage, and I suggest it for others, too. For one thing, it assures that you’re both on the same page about commitment. My parents are still married, as are most of my friends. There are plenty of couples who don’t get married who split up, too.

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Your name will appear above your comment. You may use a “pen name”.