A recently divorced friend, back on the market, has been asking for advice about dating.
She’s finding the rules have changed, and that women are taking a more pro-active approach to dating and sex.
It’s not that Jasmine (name changed to protect her identity) is an old fuddy-duddy. Far from it. She’s an attractive, worldly, accomplished woman with a lot going for her. Even so, she admits to being completely out of her element in today’s dating world.
Jasmine’s most recent question to me, and I quote, “Do you think Pattie Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker is onto something when she says no sex without monogamy?” What Jasmine is finding is that several of the men she’s dating are expecting sex immediately or they lose interest and move on. Jasmine is a highly sexual being. However she’s looking for a relationship and not just a fling.
So how soon is too soon and does the old double standard still exist? Is the man still considered a stud and the woman scarred by the less complimentary S word because she goes for it? Do men and women really have a conversation about monogamy (meaning commitment) before becoming intimate?
I decided to put the question to my Spicy Sunday peeps on Facebook. For those of you not familiar with Spicy Sunday, every Sunday I post a question having to do with male/female relationships on Facebook. Usually things get spicy and it turns into a battle of the sexes.
Interestingly enough, after I posted, the men disappeared. The ladies did come through loud and clear. Their honesty and straight forward approach was refreshing. The majority felt that sexual compatibility is the key. What’s the point of asking for monogamy until you know what you’re getting?
I was overjoyed to learn that women are owning and embracing their sexuality.
Here are some of their insightful comments:
I love that the women are taking care of their own sexual vitality.
Would you buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?
Sometimes we go for the sex before getting to know the person to see if you’re even compatible!
This one’s my favorite…
If the sex isn’t good… why would I want to be monogamous with him?
Such a turn of events, because not long ago, sex was something men enjoyed and women endured. No self-respecting woman would ever admit to (horror of horrors) wanting to be pleased or pleasured. And who would ever admit to having an the big “O”?
We all know sexual compatibility is an integral part of any romantic relationship, so this makes me even more delighted to see women openly admitting that their sexual needs are as important as their partners. If it’s not happening in the sack, it’s probably not happening in other areas.
So while I understand where Pattie is coming from and why she thinks monogamy should be asked for and agreed to upfront, I would be hesitant to make a promise I might not keep. There are simply too many variables and surprises in the physical intimacy department.
Take for example the mild- mannered guy who comes to bed wearing the garter and heels, the man in the public eye who gets off on being whipped, the executive with the penchant for introducing a third party to the mix. Now If you’re ok with all that, you may have found your compatible match. But what if this isn’t your thing? If you’re comfortable with only the missionary position, and he wants to do it doggy style, the two of you are a mismatch and monogamy won’t work.
So sex without monogamy can be a double-edged sword.