Should There Be No Sex Before Monogamy?

A recently divorced friend, back on the market, has been asking for advice about dating.

She’s finding the rules have changed, and that women are taking a more pro-active approach to dating and sex.

It’s not that Jasmine (name changed to protect her identity) is an old fuddy-duddy.  Far from it.  She’s an attractive, worldly, accomplished woman with a lot going for her. Even so, she admits to being completely out of her element in today’s dating world.

Jasmine’s most recent question to me, and I quote, “Do you think Pattie Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker is onto something when she says no sex without monogamy?”  What Jasmine is finding is that several of the men she’s dating are expecting sex immediately or they lose interest and move on.  Jasmine is a highly sexual being. However she’s looking for a relationship and not just a fling.

So how soon is too soon and does the old double standard still exist? Is the man still considered a stud and the woman scarred by the less complimentary S word because she goes for it? Do men and women really have a conversation about monogamy (meaning commitment) before becoming intimate?

I decided to put the question to my Spicy Sunday peeps on Facebook. For those of you not familiar with Spicy Sunday, every Sunday I post a question having to do with male/female relationships on Facebook. Usually things get spicy and it turns into a battle of the sexes.

Interestingly enough, after I posted, the men disappeared.  The ladies did come through loud and clear. Their honesty and straight forward approach was refreshing. The majority felt that sexual compatibility is the key.  What’s the point of asking for monogamy until you know what you’re getting?

I was overjoyed to learn that women are owning and embracing their sexuality.

Here are some of their insightful comments:

I love that the women are taking care of their own sexual vitality.

Would you buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?

Sometimes we go for the sex before getting to know the person to see if you’re even compatible!

This one’s my favorite…

If the sex isn’t good… why would I want to be monogamous with him?

Such a turn of events, because not long ago, sex was something men enjoyed and women endured. No self-respecting woman would ever admit to (horror of horrors) wanting to be pleased or pleasured.  And who would ever admit to having an the big “O”?

We all know sexual compatibility is an integral part of any romantic relationship, so this makes me even more delighted to see women openly admitting that their sexual needs are as important as their partners.  If it’s not happening in the sack, it’s probably not happening in other areas.

So while I understand where Pattie is coming from and why she thinks monogamy should be asked for and agreed to upfront, I would be hesitant to make a promise I might not keep. There are simply too many variables and surprises in the physical intimacy department.

Take for example the mild- mannered guy who comes to bed wearing the garter and heels, the man in the public eye who gets off on being whipped, the executive with the penchant for introducing a third party to the mix. Now If you’re ok with all that, you may have found your compatible match. But what if this isn’t your thing? If you’re comfortable with only the missionary position, and he wants to do it doggy style, the two of you are a mismatch and monogamy won’t work.

So sex without monogamy can be a double-edged sword.

Five Signs He Just Wants Sex Go▸

How Long Is Too Long to Go Without Having Sex? Go▸

Marcia King-Gamble

About Marcia King-Gamble

Romance writer, Marcia King-Gamble hails from a sunny Caribbean island where the sky and ocean are the same mesmerizing shade of blue. This former travel industry executive and current world traveler has spent most of life in the United States. A National Bestselling author, Marcia has penned 26 books and 4 novellas. Her free time is spent at the gym, traveling to exotic locales, and caring for her animal family.

Visit Marcia at www.lovemarcia.com  or “friend” her on Facebook. Marcia’s latest release “Baby, I want you,” will be available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble in just a few weeks.

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Responses

  1. Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach for Women says:

    To me there is a whole lot of grey area between waiting for monogamy and going for it too quickly. I agree, waiting for monogamy can take a while. Yet, going for it too quickly might not be the answer either, even if you just want to test compatibility.

    As a dating coach for women over 40, my perspective touches on a different issue than what the men think. I’m concerned with what you think about yourself. Not only that, but can you handle the potential rejection after you sleep with a man who doesn’t call again?

    I advise a compromise when it comes to timing, especially for women who tend to get really attached after intimacy. Hold off for a while until you see some consistency in a man’s behavior. After five or six dates, chances are more likely that he is a bit more serious about spending time with you. While there are no guarantees of course and things might not work out, at least you guard your heart against the guy who is just looking for variety.

    So I don’t care what the men think nearly as much as I want you to avoid a series of partners who disappear, disappoint or break your heart.

  2. Marcia says:

    Typo, wise words.. not wide words.

  3. Boomer_gal says:

    If monogamy = till death do us part, then I am not waiting that long. If it means “I’m not looking around & neither is he”… that is more like it. I know that either of us could reconsider (maybe even that very night if things were really bad in bed), but I still feel better about intimacy in the context of a relationship, which takes a bit of time to establish.

  4. Scully says:

    Excellent article and an insightful topic. In my younger days, I opted to just go for it and not ask for monogamy first. Even as a newly divorced woman in my early 40′s, I went that route. But then I met a guy I really liked, so I decided to stop, ask for monogamy before sex, and see what would happen, since it hadn’t worked out with any other guy to just jump straight in bed. Guess what? He said yes, that we would be monogamous, even though it was only our second date. Two years later we’re still together and madly in love. We’ve talked about it a lot since then and he says that while he meant it when he offered me monogamy, women still need to be cautious, because guys could just say that and not mean it. But at least it puts it out there what you want, and that you’re not afraid to ask for what you deserve.

  5. Marcia says:

    Thanks so much for popping by Scully and sharing such an uplifting story. I am a firm believer in asking for what you want.

  6. Sugar Puddin says:

    I feel that a monogamous relationship that does not include sex is not suitable for me.
    I don’t want to enter monogamy unless I have firm evidence at hand that my needs will be met.
    He may judge me a slut, which matters far less than discovering he is a low sex drive limpdick.

    just my opinion; your mileage may vary.

  7. Marcia says:

    Thank you Sugar Puddin for being so honest and direct. There’s something to be said for sampling the merchandise before buying.

  8. Kelly says:

    When I was newly dating my current boyfriend this is something I agonized about. I discussed it with one of my guy friends and his point, which I hadn’t considered, was that as a guy he thought it was too much to ask for a relationship before sex because to him, sex was part of what defined a relationship. That said, even though I don’t assume someone is monogamous with me just because we are having sex I think I have a pretty good read on how invested someone is in getting to know me and working towards a relationship so it has often ended up we were monogamous even if it was never specifically discussed. With my current bf it later came out that neither of us had been seeing anyone for awhile.

    I think a lot of it comes down to knowing yourself and what you are okay and not okay with and how good you are at reading people. I haven’t really had the problem of wanting a relationship with someone and them only wanting sex, but if I did I might approach this very, very differently. Monogamy is also no guarantee that the person might want a serious commitment with you. I’ve seen friends date a guy exclusively who still didn’t want all the trappings of a committed relationship.

    • Marcia says:

      Thanks, Kelly. Very well said. I agree it’s all about reading people. I would hate to ask for monogamy, do the deed, and then discover we were incompatible in this area, and it’s a no go. I would feel guilty and awful.

  9. Kira Harlamor says:

    If you don’t care what men think, are too into yourself as a woman, are not secure with yourself enough to be able to handle any type of rejection, which is a part of life, and you place a number on how many dates you have to have first, then you are doomed to be alone forever! You’re setting yourself up for failure from the start. You’re setting up unrealistic expectations for you and the guy. Good luck getting a second or third date. I’m 37 and have dated guys from 28 to 48 and yes, they all want to have sex right away and in my experience, that’s never changed. It’s up to each individual to decide wether or not they are confident enough with themselves to know when the time is right or the guy is worth sleeping with knowing there’s that chance of rejection. Don’t forget that the guy is usually feeling just as nervous and is sometimes more scared of being rejected by the woman. So if you go out on your dates thinking that way, it might take some of the pressure off of you so you can relax and enjoy the date. I don’t think there’s really a right or wrong answer but I do think that as long as you are confident enough with yourself you will attract the right type of guys, get rid of the ones that aren’t worth your time so you can enjoy dating instead of making out to be a job that you’re stuck at and want desperately to leave.

    • Marcia says:

      I love the way you think, Kira. Ah, yes confidence is key! Too often we play by the rules and rules are simply guidelines and don’t work for everyone.

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