By  ·  · 211 Shares

One of my clients recently asked me, “Do I need to have resolved all my issues before getting into a loving relationship?”

“No!” We don’t need to be enlightened beings to be ready to have a loving relationship!

However, there is ONE important issue that needs to be resolved before you have a chance to create a truly loving, connected and intimate relationship, and I will address this issue shortly.

Relationship Fears

Most people enter relationships with two bottom-line fears:

  • The fear of rejection – of losing the other person
  • The fear of engulfment – of losing yourself

Depending on the relationship, one or the other of these fears will be likely primary.

In past relationships, what did you do when your fear of rejection was activated?

  • I got anxious and tried to get my partner to reassure me
  • I got angry to get my partner to change
  • I got needy, calling my partner a lot at work
  • I felt insecure and read through my partner’s emails
  • (Fill in your own)

When you acted in these ways, how did your partner react? Did he or she:

  • Withdraw?
  • Start being late for dates?
  • Explain, defend?
  • Try to ‘fix’ you? Care-take you?
  • Get critical?
  • (Fill in your own)

What happened in your relationship as a result? Did it get better or worse? Of course, the chances are that it got progressively worse.

In your past relationships, when your fear of engulfment was activated, what did you do?

  • I withdrew more and more
  • I started to show up late
  • I found myself finding fault with my partner
  • Little things started to irritate me
  • I felt angry that I had to compromise myself to pacify my partner
  • I had one foot out the door
  • I ended the relationship
  • (Fill in your own)

How did your partner react when you did these things? He or she:

  • Got more controlling, more angry
  • Got more insecure and needy
  • Got more unhappy and blamed me
  • (Fill in your own)

Often, a circular system is created when one person is anxious, needy or angry, and the other person shuts down, withdrawing more and more. Over time, the love is eroded.

The ONE Important Issue You Need to Resolve

At any given moment, we are in one of two ‘intentions’:

  • The intent to protect against our pain and fears with some form of controlling behavior
  • The intent to learn how to love ourselves and share our love with others

In the above examples, the intent of both partners was to protect against losing the other or losing themselves. As long as the intent is to protect with controlling behavior – whether through anger or withdrawal –- the relationship will suffer.

The one issue you need to resolve before being ready for a loving relationship is to be able to move into an intent to learn about yourself and your partner when your fears are triggered.

If you desire a relationship to get love rather than to share love, then you are not ready for a loving relationship.

Once again, when you choose the intent to learn how to love yourself and others, then your primary reason for wanting a relationship is to learn, grow and share your love.

If this is what you want, then you are ready for a relationship!

Margaret Paul

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author, relationship expert, co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, and the related SelfQuest® self-healing software program – recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette and featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to learn to love yourself? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: and visit our websites at and http://selfquest.comPhone and Skype Sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

What Do You Think?

No comments yet | Start the discussion

Leave a Comment

Your name will appear above your comment. You may use a “pen name”.