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Every day I hear women worrying about intimacy with their partner, whether from clients or from friends, including:

  • The lack of sexual intimacy
  • Their partners wanting it “too much”
  • A husband wanting to try something that feels uncomfortable
  • Worrying about him going off with someone else

Acknowledge where your sex life is and isn’t and be honest with yourself about what is really going on.

Was it gradual, or suddenly non-existent? Are you talking about it with your friends?  If so, this shows that there is an issue. You wouldn’t be looking for someone externally to talk to if everything was great. Women often seek validation that they’re not the only one, and want to hear “all men are like that”, and “all men want lots of it etc etc etc.”

Here is the truth! Most men have similar fears to you including:

  • Am I satisfying her? Do I still have it?
  • Am I big enough? Can I still get aroused?
  • Will she find someone else?
  • How do I keep it interesting?

And the big one …… Why do I have to be the instigator?

Men often get grief for instigating when a woman does not want it, that they stop asking, and then don’t know how to broach it. So saying that your husband doesn’t ask you any more, likely has a good reason behind it. Rejection can be hard, so both parties stop “trying”.

So, you don’t have enough or you don’t think he wants you anymore? There will never come a day when a couple has it just right.  Every couple is different

How do you resolve this or get to a place where there is more harmony in the bedroom?

Firstly and most importantly, Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want!

1. Be confident

How to Get the Driver's Seat in Your Sex Life!Big issues for women around this subject are Confidence and Communication. If you are questioning yourself about intimacy, there is a lack of self-belief.  You DO have a say with what you do or don’t want sexually. If something is not working, say so, in a way, which is constructive, and not blaming. Look at what you have liked in the past and want to do more and what you would like to experience with your partner which you haven’t yet. Take the reins!

2. Remember

There will hopefully be a time in your relationship when it was great, or at least good.. Remember how you felt and what you did. What was the trigger that made you feel sexually happy?  If it never did, and you want to create something with your partner, talk about it with them.

3. Have fun and create the surprise factor

Here’s one great fun idea for you two:

Take two bowls, one each, and place slips of paper in them, (you will have written on them with sexual and intimate ideas you want to experience or have your partner do for you).  At least once a week, pick one out, alternating each time. This way, you are not revealing to each other what and how you will be surprising them and you are creating it for you both.

There is no pressure to do it then and there.  You can do it in your own time, on your own terms and in a way, which works for you. If there is something, which you would no way want to do, then you can address it when you wish. You can even pick one out and do it then and there if you feel spontaneous. After a while, you will build up trust again sexually, learn to make an effort and have fun!

4. Take responsibility for your own intimate relationships

If you are having troubles physically or emotionally seek advice, get fit and look at your vitamins and minerals, which can help you feel more energized, and ultimately sexier. Causing blame will not help if you have not done everything from your point of view to make the intimacy work between you both.

You can also work through emotional challenges from your past with an expert.

5. Recognize yourself and be proud

Physically there will be changes to your body overtime, whether through exercise, nutrition or natural supplements. Most importantly, recognize your beauty, inside and out. When you get it, others will see THAT shine through – your joy, your happiness, and how you feel about yourself.  There is nothing sexier than a woman who exudes confidence and sexiness. This will pour through all areas of your life. Your partner will either step up and embrace it, taking lead from your new found confidence, or will not. At least you will know that you have done all that you can and not apportion blame or complain to friends that your relationship is not working.

So in a nutshell – if you are confused and unsure about your private life, stop blaming your partner, take charge and finally get what you want!

Emma Ziff

Emma Ziff is a Sex, Intimacy and Relationship therapist with over 20 years of experience. She has helped thousands of people through her practice, radio, TV, magazines andas Co-Director of Pink Lobster Dating, to resolve those long standing issues quickly, getting you to a loving, fun and sexy relationship!

Check out one of Emma’s discounted ebooks especially for women who beat themselves up for sleeping with ‘the wrong guy’ – “How To Enjoy Sex On A First date and Still Feel Guilt Free”.

Emma is an advocate for ‘Make It NOT Fake It’, and encourages couples do their research for natural sexual enhancers such as Lady Prelox, which is the world’s only scientifically proven product of its kind especially for women.

You can send more questions to and read many answers to them on her Twitter and Facebook pages.

What Do You Think?

5 Comments | Join the discussion

  • tanya Feb 4, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Me n my fiance have been together for almost 2 years now and we work a lot lol so im wondering if anybody else has some ideas to help me take the reigns i honestly expect him to initiate 99.9% of the time and i know it sucks for him because we have been doing it less n less…..please help!!!!!

  • Julie Jul 25, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Emma. Thank you for the “game” idea. I have been with my husband for 30 years, and we have already started to put our slips of paper in to jars. I am nervous as to what he will write but I am keeping an open mind. I just sent you an email via your website, please get back to me as I would like to get some further advice. Julie

  • Larry Grant Jul 24, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Yes it is such a good point about women worrying about men straying. Firstly, as a man I find it very annoying that my girlfriend constantly asks me if I’m having an affair – this in itself is enough to make me want to do it! Secondly, rather than antagonize when I try and talk to her about it she says I’m just pushing her. This article is great as it is showing that all relationships are two ways and that it’s not just all up to us. It takes two!


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