“Why are women so mean when they make a point? The things my ex would say just to be hurtful….I may be stupid but I was never mean.”
Hey Will, thanks for your question. I’m going to answer it in a second, but before I do I need to tell you about the single “hottest” woman I ever dated and why after 6 crazy, passionate and painful weeks I had to dump her ass like a particularly beautiful ton of bricks.
I was shocked when Sara wrote me back. I’d found her an online dating site on a Thursday night. I was head down at my desk, digging through profiles like a prospector mining for gold and felt my heart stop and my pants tighten when I stumbled onto this long limbed gorgeous creature. She was 5’10”, built like a model but with delicious curves . . . and had eyes that sent shivers down my spine.
And she actually wanted to talk to me. We ended up meeting up that night, getting drunk at a dance club and making mumbly excuses to find ourselves back at my place. We got no sleep at all to say the least. We made plans for the weekend. I spent the day soaking in the memory of her, counting down the minutes until I’d get to feel and taste her and smell her again.
Like I said, Sara was hot. Nuclear hot. Hot enough that when we went out together and she was wearing a tight dress women would walk up out of nowhere to tell her how gorgeous she was and guys would pull me aside, pat me on the shoulder and actually “congratulate” me on my girlfriend.
It was fun for a while. I felt like I was living out every head cheerleader fantasy I’d had in my geeky High School years. I felt that little twinge in the back of my subconscious planning for the future, wanting more than anything for this girl to be “the one.”
But then a couple weeks in when that initial crazy rush wore off I realized that even though Sara was beautiful and fierce and passionate she was also . . . mean.
Not mean like she kicked puppies or anything. But mean like a lioness. She was critical, tearing down everything about the way I dressed, how I spent my time, who my friends were.
She told me I wasn’t “Manly” because I played stupid board games with my friends and had an Xbox. She freaked out when she found out I’d gone on a date with a another girl (even though we’d had no discussion at all about being a couple.)
And about a month in after another Saturday night of ecstasy and criticism I figured out that the problem wasn’t really her, it was me.
In failed relationship after failed relationship I’d found myself with CRITICAL women . . . women who would give me the emotional cruelty I thought was love, who’d beat me up the way I thought I deserved to be beaten up.
And so I dumped her.
She was mad at first. She said “I thought we had a few more weeks left.”
We ended up being friends. Then lovers (without any of the emotional entanglements – that was fun.) Then friends again. And then I met my girlfriend and flew head over heels for her and found out that you can actually be with a woman who’s not only hot and passionate and amazing but also doesn’t feel the need to tear you down every time you leave the toilet seat up.
Anyway, I’m telling you this story for a couple of reasons . . .
1. Not ALL women are mean. It’s totally possible that you’re subconsciously attracting the “mean” ones the same way I was . . . because some part of you feels like “meanness” is love and that’s what you “deserve” in a relationship.
2. Hot chicks can be a real pain =-)
OK, now on to your actual question:
From all the work I do giving WOMEN advice on this stuff I can tell you that a lot of women ARE or GET mean because of three reasons . . .
1. The Myth Of Prince Charming (and the realization that you ain’t not prince.) I talk about this a lot, but almost every woman you meet has an incredibly unrealistic viewpoint on what a man is and what a man is supposed to be.
You can blame teen beat magazine or Justin Bieber or whatever, but most women have a VERY distinct idea of what “love” is supposed to be like. And when you don’t live up to that ideal (because you can’t) a lot of women will get downright vicious.
That viciousness often has nothing to do with you, actually. But that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.
2.She thinks YOU’RE being mean and is getting back at you. Nothing worse than a cornered tigress. I get emails every damned day from women talking about how a man hurt them by not being communicative, opening up, falling crazy in love, slaying a dragon etc.
Us guys aren’t anywhere near as emotionally aware or emotionally “intelligent” as most women are. It’s totally possible she 100% legitimately feels YOU are the mean one and she’s just defending herself.
3.She’s trying to get a rise out of you. Like I said in a previous email, women LIKE IT when guys get emotional (but not dangerous) and if she can’t get you to be emotional in a “romantic” way she’ll often resort to getting you emotional in a really negative way . . . just to prove that you feel SOMETHING about her.
(Tangentially, the best way to handle that kind of meanness is to be rational and not put up with it. Something as simple as “I’m not interested in being torn down by you. If you want to talk we can do that but I’m not going to have this conversation this way.” It’ll drive her nuts, but it’ll hopefully defuse the situation.)