Why Women are So Mean To Men They Love…

Will asks…

“Why are women so mean when they make a point? The things my ex would say just to be hurtful….I may be stupid but I was never mean.”
—Will

Hey Will, thanks for your question. I’m going to answer it in a second, but before I do I need to tell you about the single “hottest” woman I ever dated and why after 6 crazy, passionate and painful weeks I had to dump her ass like a particularly beautiful ton of bricks.

I was shocked when Sara wrote me back. I’d found her an online dating site on a Thursday night. I was head down at my desk, digging through profiles like a prospector mining for gold and felt my heart stop and my pants tighten when I stumbled onto this long limbed gorgeous creature. She was 5’10″, built like a model but with delicious curves . . . and had eyes that sent shivers down my spine.

And she actually wanted to talk to me. We ended up meeting up that night, getting drunk at a dance club and making mumbly excuses to find ourselves back at my place. We got no sleep at all to say the least. We made plans for the weekend. I spent the day soaking in the memory of her, counting down the minutes until I’d get to feel and taste her and smell her again.

Like I said, Sara was hot. Nuclear hot. Hot enough that when we went out together and she was wearing a tight dress women would walk up out of nowhere to tell her how gorgeous she was and guys would pull me aside, pat me on the shoulder and actually “congratulate” me on my girlfriend.

It was fun for a while. I felt like I was living out every head cheerleader fantasy I’d had in my geeky High School years. I felt that little twinge in the back of my subconscious planning for the future, wanting more than anything for this girl to be “the one.”

But then a couple weeks in when that initial crazy rush wore off I realized that even though Sara was beautiful and fierce and passionate she was also . . . mean.

Not mean like she kicked puppies or anything. But mean like a lioness. She was critical, tearing down everything about the way I dressed, how I spent my time, who my friends were.

She told me I wasn’t “Manly” because I played stupid board games with my friends and had an Xbox. She freaked out when she found out I’d gone on a date with a another girl (even though we’d had no discussion at all about being a couple.)

And about a month in after another Saturday night of ecstasy and criticism I figured out that the problem wasn’t really her, it was me.

In failed relationship after failed relationship I’d found myself with CRITICAL women . . . women who would give me the emotional cruelty I thought was love, who’d beat me up the way I thought I deserved to be beaten up.

And so I dumped her.

She was mad at first. She said “I thought we had a few more weeks left.”

We ended up being friends. Then lovers (without any of the emotional entanglements – that was fun.) Then friends again. And then I met my girlfriend and flew head over heels for her and found out that you can actually be with a woman who’s not only hot and passionate and amazing but also doesn’t feel the need to tear you down every time you leave the toilet seat up.

Anyway, I’m telling you this story for a couple of reasons . . .

1. Not ALL women are mean. It’s totally possible that you’re subconsciously attracting the “mean” ones the same way I was . . . because some part of you feels like “meanness” is love and that’s what you “deserve” in a relationship.

2. Hot chicks can be a real pain =-)
OK, now on to your actual question:

From all the work I do giving WOMEN advice on this stuff I can tell you that a lot of women ARE or GET mean because of three reasons . . .

1. The Myth Of Prince Charming (and the realization that you ain’t not prince.) I talk about this a lot, but almost every woman you meet has an incredibly unrealistic viewpoint on what a man is and what a man is supposed to be.

You can blame teen beat magazine or Justin Bieber or whatever, but most women have a VERY distinct idea of what “love” is supposed to be like. And when you don’t live up to that ideal (because you can’t) a lot of women will get downright vicious.

That viciousness often has nothing to do with you, actually. But that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.

2.She thinks YOU’RE being mean and is getting back at you. Nothing worse than a cornered tigress. I get emails every damned day from women talking about how a man hurt them by not being communicative, opening up, falling crazy in love, slaying a dragon etc.

Us guys aren’t anywhere near as emotionally aware or emotionally “intelligent” as most women are. It’s totally possible she 100% legitimately feels YOU are the mean one and she’s just defending herself.

3.She’s trying to get a rise out of you. Like I said in a previous email, women LIKE IT when guys get emotional (but not dangerous) and if she can’t get you to be emotional in a “romantic” way she’ll often resort to getting you emotional in a really negative way . . . just to prove that you feel SOMETHING about her.

Sucks, huh?

(Tangentially, the best way to handle that kind of meanness is to be rational and not put up with it. Something as simple as “I’m not interested in being torn down by you. If you want to talk we can do that but I’m not going to have this conversation this way.” It’ll drive her nuts, but it’ll hopefully defuse the situation.)

Michael Fiore

About Michael Fiore

Since early 2010, Michael’s been teaching men and women around the world how to use simple digital tools to dramatically improve their relationships.

He lives in Seattle, Washington with his (frankly incredible) fiance.

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Responses

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Why Women are So Mean To Men They Love…
    Women are ‘nasty’ because there is this belief (false as it should be) that being angry or pushy is the only way to show strength and get attention/understanding. That a woman’s pleas are childish and the only way to be respected by a man is to act like one (when in reality it’s acting like a childish boy). If you’re with a woman who’s mean it could be like with men who are mean. The partner no longer feels in control that they’re being victimized so they seek to regain control by the easiest (and sadly more popular) route, aggression. Even worse, People (man or woman) are mean to ones they love because those are the only ones who will let them get away with it.

  2. warren says:

    sometimes just insecurity and fear, i was involved with 5’11″ former small time model, for 5 years, didn’t work out, don’t even have chances to see our kid anymore, turned 5 a while back… plus we both had difficulty communicating, ego and pride got in the way..

  3. Andrew says:

    Hi,

    This article seems to be missing. I see no links or anything. Where do I read this?

    Andrew

  4. Stephie says:

    I think there are options in your answer missing…. There are more explanations to it! My boyfriend constantly misunderstands me being explicit as me being mean. I am at a point of miscommunication that is really frustrating to me. I have tried so many different ways of communicating with him, nothing seems to get me understood and he so often thinks I am mean to him (to nobody else by the way). Ok, I am in science and used to say the things in an precise, maybe analytical way (he called it emotionless and cold!), which gave us problems. Now I am trying to be more cautious about how I say things (more often then not don’t say anything at all anymore. Guess what that leads to!) but the situation seems to just get worse. I am tip-toeing with words around him because it really hurts to be told to be mean, cold, insensitive and still being misunderstood. So, that could be an explanation: Guys believe or want to believe, the woman is mean, while her intentions are actually good.

  5. Joe Z says:

    A lot of (not all) women are taught to be mean and controlling by today’s society. Just watch TV, you have shows like desperate housewives, women who cheat, lie, and abuse the men who give them everything they possibly can. And why? Because they are beautiful, so if you are beautiful, it gives you the right to treat a man any way you so choose, and if he doesn’t like it, so what, 10 more are lined up waiting to be with you because you are so beautiful.

    A pretty face don’t make no pretty heart. I’m not saying to look for ugly women, just to look for a women who values her morals more than her hair and makeup.

    Find a women who wants to be your friend first, who is just as happy going to McDonalds to eat with you as she would be going to the 250 dollar meal.
    Better yet, find one who would rather cook a meal with you than go out to eat.
    Because the idea is about being with you, not going out to be seen with you.

    Be yourself. If she doesn’t like you for who you are, she is a waste of time.
    If you allow yourself to be a doormat, then don’t complain about being stepped on.

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