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You know the scenario. You’re dating a guy and everything is going great. The chemistry is amazing. You’re actually beginning to think you’ve found “THE ONE”.

You’ve never felt more comfortable.  He’s saying and doing all the right things. And then…BAM…out of the blue, he does a complete 180. He turns into someone completely different, or worse he disappears.

You try contacting him to find out what happened. Your heart aches to know. You deserve to know. After everything you’ve been through together you deserve an explanation. But all your efforts to find out what happened are in vain because you never get the answer you are looking for.

So, why does this continue to happen? Why do men repeat this pattern with so many women?

Well, before we start exploring the reasons let me assure you that in the majority of the cases it’s not your fault!!!. Unless you are a psychotic, controlling, insecure woman who is unleashing your wrath on the men you date, a guy’s disappearing act has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

In fact, the reasons most men pull a Houdini and suddenly disappear can usually be pinned down to one of three things:


I know this may be hard for you to wrap your arms around, but some guys lie and tell you what you want to hear. They will say and do all the right things and then in a flash they will show you that their actions no longer back up their words.

These guys know that if they were to tell you the truth from the beginning that you wouldn’t allow them to get away with their selfish, immature and insensitive behavior. So instead of showing you their true colors from the beginning they put up a facade until they get what they want.

Guys like this tend to disappear once they get what they want or the relationship is no longer working for them. They also pull a disappearing act when they they start realizing that a woman is on to their B.S. So before they get caught and exposed for the frauds that they are, these guys will simply check out and move on to their next victim.


Believe it or not, men get afraid too. In fact, fear is a human condition that runs rampant in every human being walking the planet. Some guys express their fear by running away (or pulling away). It’s not that these guys don’t want to be honest, they’re just don’t know how to. They’re too afraid that if they do, it will lead to a consequence or experience what they don’t want.

Sometimes guys are afraid of telling you the truth because they don’t want to hurt you. They don’t realize that by not being honest they are actually hurting you more. And sometimes the fear runs much deeper. For some men disappearing has to do with their fear of commitment and intimacy.

Unconscious fears can run deep into the psyche of some guys much like those stubborn weeds which permeate deep into the soil.


For some guys the disappearing act is often triggered by confusion. They simply do not know what they want. Dating a guy like this is often an emotional roller- coaster. You’re up one day and down the next.

In some instances confused guys simply need some space and time to get clear and figure things out. But for others because their confusion has more to do with unconscious fears which have come racing to the surface, the confusion can only be eradicated by the guy taking the time to do some deep soul searching or seeking professional help.

In all three of these cases the fact that a guy suddenly disappears is the only thing that matters. Yes, your bruised ego might feel a ‘lil better knowing the exact reason why a guy suddenly disappeared, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he took off and left you high and dry without taking the time to explain himself to you.

It is not uncommon for a woman to blame or question herself when a guy suddenly disappears. It is my intention to help you understand that as long as you are being your true self, you’re not doing anything to give a man a reason to leave. If he does, it falls solely on his shoulders and not yours!

The key to creating great results in your love life is being able to make better, smarter and healthier choices. If you’re interested in learning how understand the complex world of men, dating and relationships download free strategies and tips by visiting

Joe Amoia

Joe spent 14 years of his life searching for love. In 1999, after his engagement ended just 30 days before he was scheduled to walk down the aisle, he decided to take a break for some “mirror time”.

As a result of his self-imposed exile he soon realized that his struggles were due to the fact that he was never taught how to create a happy, healthy and fulfilling long term relationship. Within a few short weeks he developed a strategy which helped him find his wife and the type of love he had always wanted. He has been married to his wife Natalie for 12 years and they are the proud parents of 3 boys.

In 2009, after years of sharing his dating and relationship strategies with his clients, he decided to share his strategies with the world.

If you’re interested in learning how to successfully navigate the complex world of men, dating and relationships download free strategies and tips by visiting and download a free copy of his latest e-book, The ABC’s of Smarter Dating: 26 Tips & Strategies to Immediately Improve Your Love Life

What Do You Think?

64 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Clare Dec 17, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    How do you work this out. Found an old crush on plenty of fish. Met up with him recently. Everything was going great. Days out slept over no intamicy sex wise just cuddles. Then followinf afternoon we had plans. After he went home. I messaged him asking if he could still make it he got called into work. Then the messages died off. He still reads them yet wont give me an explination. We both seemed happy and settled. Dont get it

  • Kym Dec 6, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    There are far too many walking wounded out there. Men dumped seem to be trying to find a clone of the dumper so if you don’t meet that criteria you’re going to be discarded. Thats the bottom line, I see it as a line from ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ “What is is, Major Lawrence, that personally attracts you to the desert? It’s clean.” It’s also very simple, unfortunately.

  • Emily Nov 25, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Oh geez, i’m SO GLAD I came across this article. My heart is absolutely broken. I was dating a guy that was STILL living with his ex-gf and HER child (not his) and he kept saying he would move out and be with me but never did. The last night I talked to him he kept saying he missed me and that we would talk later. Then he did a 180 and I never heard from him again. I am devastated and wondered what I did wrong. He won’t answer my calls, texts, messages, I even left a voicemail and NOTHING…all I asked for was a one-lined text saying it was over and absolutely NOTHING. At one point I worried something terrible happened to him, but now i’m wondering if he cheated on her, or got back together with her, or why he did the 180 when he was very much into me before?? I’m confused, heartbroken, and miss him so much, but I will never get the answers i’m looking for, I will never know what happened and coping with this all has been very difficult. It’s been painful, not sure if anything will ever help get rid of this ache I have in my heart.

  • gg Nov 19, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    I met a guy on line from different country, he came all the way to USA to see me 2 times and coasted him so much money for expensive hotels and everything else.
    He bough a Pre construction condo to move here with me, we were in touch and he was asking me to go to his country to visit him and his family, i felt so lucky to find a man like him, but all of a sudden he blocked me from the phone and disappeared on me.
    I never asked him why even by email, but i was devastated. NO he wasn’t married because i spoke to his ex wife.
    I was behaving very normal and he kept telling me how much he loves me.
    But I’m dieing to know WHY! what was he after? he is a DR and has money too, so….it just drives me crazy because I don’t understand why!!

  • Sands Oct 29, 2013 at 6:19 am

    I made the worst mistake of all and started dating my male friend of 12 years. When we first crossed the line of freindship it was pretty weird but it also felt comfortable at the time and I fell so in love with him and then after a month he began acting strange and started to dissappear on and off and see me less often. I became confused and heartbroken and started accusing him of cheating which just played into his hands to have more reason to ignore me for making what he called “false accusations.” Four months down the line now, with plenty of on and off rollercoaster dating between us he has practically cut us down to nothing but as it turns out I have since discovered that he is a hectic player, and that he has cheated on me and that he has an extremely bad history of cheating in all his relationships. (including his ex wife…the reason why she divorced him) I feel totally relieved to know that the problem lies with him and not myself and I now look forward to moving on with my life to meet somebody whom I can trust. Without trust, a relationship will always be dysfunctional and rocky.

  • Jasmina Aug 11, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Thank you so much,Joe! Brilliant advice as well. Things happen for a reason. I learned
    very well my lesson and if this ever happens again, I will not take it personally. It is
    his loss, not mine.When a man shows his true character before marriage and disappear,
    the woman wins for getting rid of the jerk on time. Imaging being married to him.
    That’s why I did not rush to marry him,took my time to get to know him.
    Although men do this to destroy the woman’s self confidence, it boomerangs on them.
    They get hit badly when the woman moves on.

  • Jasmina Aug 9, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Brilliant article!
    I wish I knew this information a year ago, when I was going to be married a second
    time to a man much younger than me, who was financially and emotionally
    stable, no addictions, but was living and taking care of his old father. After 9
    months of dating and pressure on his part to get married, he diasappeared for 4
    weeks. I lost my mind, never called him, but spied on his by driving to his workplace-
    his car was there. When he reappeared after 4 weeks and some B.S. that he had
    problems,his father was dying, I did not give him any chance.

  • Liz Aug 6, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Oops, I see now that the artice was written by Joe Amoia, thanks for sharing it though!

  • Liz Aug 6, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Michael, Thank you for this article! I just bought your “Text Your Ex Back” and “Text The Romance Back” programs, and a couple days into it, I returned the “Text The Romance Back” program because I realized I didn’t WANT him back. Personally, I think breaking up without verbally breaking up is one of the cruelest things a guy can do to a woman. It just happened to me, and I was DEVASTATED! I wanted an answer, thank you for sharing that if the woman was her true self she is not to blame. I realize I’m never going to get the answer I want, or a answer. This article helps me to get the CLOSURE I’m never going to get from him.

    • joe   Liz Aug 9, 2013 at 4:11 am

      Great Job Liz! By just letting go and realizing that his failure to be upfront and honest was all on him you are now free to move on and find the guy who will give you the love & respect you deserve!

    • Ginger   Liz Jan 23, 2014 at 11:25 pm

      Liz, I agree that breaking up without verbally breaking up is very cruel. It is so easy to hide behind a phone and texting. Sadly some man can’t even tell the truth via phone or text. Shame on them.

  • PDog Aug 5, 2013 at 8:40 am

    This very thing happened to me. No warning and no discussions. Then almost immediately he gets a new woman. I retaliated in the worst way. It was shameful, embarrassing and humiliating. I let my broken heart and anger take me over and I became this crazy person for one day. And I look back and regret how I reacted and what I did. But you’re right, even if he came back to tell me all the reasons, it wouldn’t matter. He still left me high and dry. Only time will heal it all. Good article.

    • joe   PDog Aug 9, 2013 at 4:07 am

      Sounds like
      you learned a very valuable lesson. And it only took you a day! Chalk this up to an expensive learning lesson.


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