3 Reasons Why Men Suddenly Disappear

You know the scenario. You’re dating a guy and everything is going great. The chemistry is amazing. You’re actually beginning to think you’ve found “THE ONE”.

You’ve never felt more comfortable.  He’s saying and doing all the right things. And then…BAM…out of the blue, he does a complete 180. He turns into someone completely different, or worse he disappears.

You try contacting him to find out what happened. Your heart aches to know. You deserve to know. After everything you’ve been through together you deserve an explanation. But all your efforts to find out what happened are in vain because you never get the answer you are looking for.

So, why does this continue to happen? Why do men repeat this pattern with so many women?

Well, before we start exploring the reasons let me assure you that in the majority of the cases it’s not your fault!!!. Unless you are a psychotic, controlling, insecure woman who is unleashing your wrath on the men you date, a guy’s disappearing act has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

In fact, the reasons most men pull a Houdini and suddenly disappear can usually be pinned down to one of three things:


I know this may be hard for you to wrap your arms around, but some guys lie and tell you what you want to hear. They will say and do all the right things and then in a flash they will show you that their actions no longer back up their words.

These guys know that if they were to tell you the truth from the beginning that you wouldn’t allow them to get away with their selfish, immature and insensitive behavior. So instead of showing you their true colors from the beginning they put up a facade until they get what they want.

Guys like this tend to disappear once they get what they want or the relationship is no longer working for them. They also pull a disappearing act when they they start realizing that a woman is on to their B.S. So before they get caught and exposed for the frauds that they are, these guys will simply check out and move on to their next victim.


Believe it or not, men get afraid too. In fact, fear is a human condition that runs rampant in every human being walking the planet. Some guys express their fear by running away (or pulling away). It’s not that these guys don’t want to be honest, they’re just don’t know how to. They’re too afraid that if they do, it will lead to a consequence or experience what they don’t want.

Sometimes guys are afraid of telling you the truth because they don’t want to hurt you. They don’t realize that by not being honest they are actually hurting you more. And sometimes the fear runs much deeper. For some men disappearing has to do with their fear of commitment and intimacy.

Unconscious fears can run deep into the psyche of some guys much like those stubborn weeds which permeate deep into the soil.


For some guys the disappearing act is often triggered by confusion. They simply do not know what they want. Dating a guy like this is often an emotional roller- coaster. You’re up one day and down the next.

In some instances confused guys simply need some space and time to get clear and figure things out. But for others because their confusion has more to do with unconscious fears which have come racing to the surface, the confusion can only be eradicated by the guy taking the time to do some deep soul searching or seeking professional help.

In all three of these cases the fact that a guy suddenly disappears is the only thing that matters. Yes, your bruised ego might feel a ‘lil better knowing the exact reason why a guy suddenly disappeared, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he took off and left you high and dry without taking the time to explain himself to you.

It is not uncommon for a woman to blame or question herself when a guy suddenly disappears. It is my intention to help you understand that as long as you are being your true self, you’re not doing anything to give a man a reason to leave. If he does, it falls solely on his shoulders and not yours!

The key to creating great results in your love life is being able to make better, smarter and healthier choices. If you’re interested in learning how understand the complex world of men, dating and relationships download free strategies and tips by visiting http://smarterdatingforwomen.com/

Joe Amoia

About Joe Amoia

Joe spent 14 years of his life searching for love. In 1999, after his engagement ended just 30 days before he was scheduled to walk down the aisle, he decided to take a break for some “mirror time”.

As a result of his self-imposed exile he soon realized that his struggles were due to the fact that he was never taught how to create a happy, healthy and fulfilling long term relationship. Within a few short weeks he developed a strategy which helped him find his wife and the type of love he had always wanted. He has been married to his wife Natalie for 12 years and they are the proud parents of 3 boys.

In 2009, after years of sharing his dating and relationship strategies with his clients, he decided to share his strategies with the world.

If you’re interested in learning how to successfully navigate the complex world of men, dating and relationships download free strategies and tips by visiting GPSforLove.com and download a free copy of his latest e-book, The ABC’s of Smarter Dating: 26 Tips & Strategies to Immediately Improve Your Love Life

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  1. PDog says:

    This very thing happened to me. No warning and no discussions. Then almost immediately he gets a new woman. I retaliated in the worst way. It was shameful, embarrassing and humiliating. I let my broken heart and anger take me over and I became this crazy person for one day. And I look back and regret how I reacted and what I did. But you’re right, even if he came back to tell me all the reasons, it wouldn’t matter. He still left me high and dry. Only time will heal it all. Good article.

    • joe says:

      Sounds like
      you learned a very valuable lesson. And it only took you a day! Chalk this up to an expensive learning lesson.

  2. Liz says:

    Michael, Thank you for this article! I just bought your “Text Your Ex Back” and “Text The Romance Back” programs, and a couple days into it, I returned the “Text The Romance Back” program because I realized I didn’t WANT him back. Personally, I think breaking up without verbally breaking up is one of the cruelest things a guy can do to a woman. It just happened to me, and I was DEVASTATED! I wanted an answer, thank you for sharing that if the woman was her true self she is not to blame. I realize I’m never going to get the answer I want, or a answer. This article helps me to get the CLOSURE I’m never going to get from him.

    • joe says:

      Great Job Liz! By just letting go and realizing that his failure to be upfront and honest was all on him you are now free to move on and find the guy who will give you the love & respect you deserve!

    • Ginger says:

      Liz, I agree that breaking up without verbally breaking up is very cruel. It is so easy to hide behind a phone and texting. Sadly some man can’t even tell the truth via phone or text. Shame on them.

  3. Liz says:

    Oops, I see now that the artice was written by Joe Amoia, thanks for sharing it though!

  4. Jasmina says:

    Brilliant article!
    I wish I knew this information a year ago, when I was going to be married a second
    time to a man much younger than me, who was financially and emotionally
    stable, no addictions, but was living and taking care of his old father. After 9
    months of dating and pressure on his part to get married, he diasappeared for 4
    weeks. I lost my mind, never called him, but spied on his by driving to his workplace-
    his car was there. When he reappeared after 4 weeks and some B.S. that he had
    problems,his father was dying, I did not give him any chance.

    • Joe Amoia Joe Amoia says:

      sometimes in life we have to go thru these experiences to learn our lessons. Yes, it sucks but if you learn from this it will make it much easier for you to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

  5. Jasmina says:

    Thank you so much,Joe! Brilliant advice as well. Things happen for a reason. I learned
    very well my lesson and if this ever happens again, I will not take it personally. It is
    his loss, not mine.When a man shows his true character before marriage and disappear,
    the woman wins for getting rid of the jerk on time. Imaging being married to him.
    That’s why I did not rush to marry him,took my time to get to know him.
    Although men do this to destroy the woman’s self confidence, it boomerangs on them.
    They get hit badly when the woman moves on.

  6. Sands says:

    I made the worst mistake of all and started dating my male friend of 12 years. When we first crossed the line of freindship it was pretty weird but it also felt comfortable at the time and I fell so in love with him and then after a month he began acting strange and started to dissappear on and off and see me less often. I became confused and heartbroken and started accusing him of cheating which just played into his hands to have more reason to ignore me for making what he called “false accusations.” Four months down the line now, with plenty of on and off rollercoaster dating between us he has practically cut us down to nothing but as it turns out I have since discovered that he is a hectic player, and that he has cheated on me and that he has an extremely bad history of cheating in all his relationships. (including his ex wife…the reason why she divorced him) I feel totally relieved to know that the problem lies with him and not myself and I now look forward to moving on with my life to meet somebody whom I can trust. Without trust, a relationship will always be dysfunctional and rocky.

  7. gg says:

    I met a guy on line from different country, he came all the way to USA to see me 2 times and coasted him so much money for expensive hotels and everything else.
    He bough a Pre construction condo to move here with me, we were in touch and he was asking me to go to his country to visit him and his family, i felt so lucky to find a man like him, but all of a sudden he blocked me from the phone and disappeared on me.
    I never asked him why even by email, but i was devastated. NO he wasn’t married because i spoke to his ex wife.
    I was behaving very normal and he kept telling me how much he loves me.
    But I’m dieing to know WHY! what was he after? he is a DR and has money too, so….it just drives me crazy because I don’t understand why!!

  8. Emily says:

    Oh geez, i’m SO GLAD I came across this article. My heart is absolutely broken. I was dating a guy that was STILL living with his ex-gf and HER child (not his) and he kept saying he would move out and be with me but never did. The last night I talked to him he kept saying he missed me and that we would talk later. Then he did a 180 and I never heard from him again. I am devastated and wondered what I did wrong. He won’t answer my calls, texts, messages, I even left a voicemail and NOTHING…all I asked for was a one-lined text saying it was over and absolutely NOTHING. At one point I worried something terrible happened to him, but now i’m wondering if he cheated on her, or got back together with her, or why he did the 180 when he was very much into me before?? I’m confused, heartbroken, and miss him so much, but I will never get the answers i’m looking for, I will never know what happened and coping with this all has been very difficult. It’s been painful, not sure if anything will ever help get rid of this ache I have in my heart.

  9. Kym says:

    There are far too many walking wounded out there. Men dumped seem to be trying to find a clone of the dumper so if you don’t meet that criteria you’re going to be discarded. Thats the bottom line, I see it as a line from ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ “What is is, Major Lawrence, that personally attracts you to the desert? It’s clean.” It’s also very simple, unfortunately.

  10. Clare says:

    How do you work this out. Found an old crush on plenty of fish. Met up with him recently. Everything was going great. Days out slept over no intamicy sex wise just cuddles. Then followinf afternoon we had plans. After he went home. I messaged him asking if he could still make it he got called into work. Then the messages died off. He still reads them yet wont give me an explination. We both seemed happy and settled. Dont get it

  11. Maura says:

    A few years ago while of Facebook I was looking over this particular guy, he loved animals such as I. He kinda almost looked familiar to me, as if I had known him in the past possibly. He was from another State…so friend requested him…he accepts…he private emails me and asks “are you ________? I think I use to date you when we were 15???”. Well, I was shocked and he was right…he had a different name on fb f(never gave me the reason why…)

    So we planned on meeting….for a weekend…everything was great our plans to meet. Then he just disappears!!!

    Now, it is the present. We texted ask him first thing what happened and he says,,, “I was just afraid it might not have worked. ” After he told me that I still did not believe him.

    Just a week ago ask me to join him on a cruise…I would make my flight plans to meet him. He said everything has been taken care of for the cruise. I said ok. Asked him for ””’confirmation””’ (he never gave me). Anyhow, he disappears again. Imagine, if I made flight plans????

    I am guilty I did text him and just ask “why”?

    I also emailed him and told him cannot deal with his bs. Plus I said, I don’t like being in the background of him debating who to take on the cruise. I felt I was just a ‘spare’ for him.

    So here it is Xmas and never heard from him.

    I am just glad I could read into his mindset………………………..

  12. Laura says:

    I am glad to have come across this article. I was dating a guy back in May, everything was going really well but we lived in two different cities so with being busy with work he felt like he could not handle a long distance relationship at the time. It ended with a conversation, he explained how he was feeling about everything and why he didn’t want to continue with the relationship. A few months passed by and we started talking again. We had been speaking for a few weeks at which point he said that he missed me and that he had made a mistake by not trying to continue the relationship and that he loved me and wanted me to give him another chance. We continued to talk for about a month before I agreed and decided to make plans to see each other. The day before we were meant to see each other, he stopped talking to me. Over the course of a few days I sent him a text and a left a voicemail, but no response. All I wanted is some explanation of why. I was so hurt and confused as to why he felt I didn’t deserve at least a phone call to say he wasn’t coming. I think it is very selfish of men that do this, but at least I saw his true colors before I got too attached.

  13. HeartBroken says:

    I wished I had read this article years ago, as it hit the nail on the head to the demise of my 5 year relationship. He subscribed to all 3 reasons, so I loved him enough to tell him to go take the time to figure out what he wants in life.

    Knowing this doesn’t make the broken heart any easier… where do I go from here?

  14. ELM says:

    Wow! I am so glad to have found this site! I didn’t realize that this type of thing was so common among people. I am in college and met a guy during homecoming in October. He initially pursued me by literally coming over to sit in a chair across from me and then staring at me. It was so awkward that I started speaking to him and a conversation ensued. We talked EVERYDAY, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY for months!! He even eventually moved to the city I lived in!! We spent so much time together before I went on winter semester break. He would come over Friday and wouldn’t leave until Sunday. Well, the week before my birthday, he disappeared!! He just did a complete 180! He stopped calling me and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts! I’m just floored that a person I talked to for so long and spent time with could do something like this to me. I’ve gone through so many emotions this week. From hating him and wishing he was dead to admitting that I really do miss him and still have feelings for him despite this betrayal. I’ve just gotten to the point where I don’t break down crying just at the thought of him. I think this article is dead on though about the reasons why he may have done this. Its still hard to just speculate instead of getting a solid reason why.

    • Ginger says:

      Elm, I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing and looking for the same answers. I think we will never get those answers.

    • Danice says:

      This literally JUST happened to me!! My birthday was this past Tuesday(I haven’t seen or heard from him since last Saturday), we were supposed to go away together for the entire weekend starting today(Friday-Monday)- I felt something wasn’t right last Thursday and cancelled all the reservations (hotel and car rental) Friday morning because something in my head keep telling me he was going to back out. He cancelled Mother’s Day breakfast with me on Saturday night- I haven’t heard from him since. Got a text- from his phone, from someone claiming to be his sister stating he was in jail for an altercation with an ex. Of course the texting style was his. I of course checked out the story(the detective in me)- he’s not in the system at all online or at any precinct. Oddly enough- his Facebook page/instant message shows the minutes it’s active. I sent him an instant message expressing my disappointment on his immaturity. Of course the time stamp showed he read it 2 minutes after I sent it…still no response!!! I’m disappointed, hurt and confused. We were having such a great time, everything was great, no fighting/arguments nothing!!

  15. Ginger says:

    Exactly the same thing just happened to me. One day he pored his affection all over me, I was his love, his heart and his everything. The following day I did not hear from him at all. I tried to call him, he did not pick up. I asked him in a text message what the hell happened, how did I get from being his love one day to being treated like a very distant friend the following day. His reply came like 12 hours later with explanation that he has been sick and not feeling well (ha-ha). His health is back to normal, but his texts are still very cold and he texts me only once in a while. I don’t understand though why does he still keep in touch with me at all and pretends that he cares. Why doesn’t he stop all together? I am totally puzzled. And I agree with other people that the worst thing is not knowing what went wrong. I thought that adult men had more class than teenagers (sorry), but they seem to be on the same level. Plus I hate when people hide behind the phone and don’t pick up, it so childish. I think I might adapt the don’t look back policy.

  16. Ginger says:

    Exactly the same thing just happened to me. One day he pored his affection all over me, I was his love, his heart and his everything. The following day I did not hear from him at all. I tried to call him, he did not pick up. I asked him in a text message what the hell happened, how did I get from being his love one day to being treated like a very distant friend the following day. His reply came like 12 hours later with explanation that he has been sick and not feeling well (ha-ha). His health is back to normal, but his texts are still very cold and he texts me only once in a while. I don’t understand though why does he still keep in touch with me at all and pretends that he cares. Why doesn’t he stop all together? I am totally puzzled. And I agree with other people that the worst thing is not knowing what went wrong. I thought that adult men had more class than teenagers (sorry), but they seem to be on the same level. Plus I hate when people hide behind the phone and don’t pick up, it so childish. I think I might adapt the don’t look back policy.

  17. popies says:

    My boyfriend just disappeared 3 weeks ago,changed his numbers and even today still no sign of him.I don’t no what I did ,I’m still in shock ,it never happened to me and am still trying to figure out why a man can just wakeup one day wt no sign of him.in situation like this what does a person do wen he decided to come back or if we met sumday.he is soo cruel honestly ,

  18. Louisa says:

    This article is very interesting. I was engaged, we had wedding plans, were looking at dresses. Turns out he had told a few lies I questioned him on it and he turned so angry, yanked ring off my finger and told me to go. One minute he was planning our future the next thing I knew he was gone. Changed numbers, moved house. This was a few months back and I am still walking around in shock.

    • Natalia Dunson says:

      He had someone else in the picture or he was unsure about marrying you and needed an excuse to leave. I’m sorry.

  19. Unsure says:


    I am dating a guy that disappers for about a week and then calls me like nothing ever happened. When I talk to him about it, he tells me he was just in a bad mood or sometimes he shuts the world out. I think it is a cop out. Im not sure what it is that he does during his the time he chooses to disapper but why does he even bother coming back? I know that you are gonna say because I allow him to. But our situation is a little difficult to explain. We always talk about the future and he tells me how much he cares but neither one of us are ready to put a title on our relationship. So we both are able to date other people if we want. Do you think its possible for things to get better with us once I finish school and am ready for a comitted relationship, or do you think this “open” relationship that we have has set us up for failure?

    • Natalia Dunson says:

      I just want to be straight up with you and tell you this now. He is dating someone else and that is why he is unsure about you. Moodiness is always a sign of someone stepping out, trust me, I know for experience. My ex-fiance would get extremely moody on me and pretend that it was because of work but it was really because it is hard and stressful to live a double life. It is emotionally draining and it catches up with people. He is confused about who he wants to choose so he’s keeping you both. He also probably feels bad about it since the both of you may actually care about him. NO MAN will ever want an open relationship with a woman he truly cares about. He wants the open relationship so that he can maintain his relationship with someone else. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Please understand that it is because he is not sure of himself. People who know who they are know what and who they want. People who are unsure of themselves are always unsure about who they want. So its more about him then you.

  20. Lost says:

    Hi Joe,

    I have dated this guy I met from a dating website. We have dated for 4 months everything was going well. He even bought me an expensive bracellete for valentines. He gave me a card saying thank you for the time we share together and hoping there would be many more to come and that it only gets better. I started to reply him more and texted him more. Until 4 days I havent heard from him. I wonder what happened so I texted him and said I really like your gift ect. He texted me back and says Im glad you liked it. But lately he suffering from a gout on his foot and is swollen and so we agree not to meet for the weekend. We didnt’ see each other but I sort of constant message him on what to eat and what to avoid about having a gout on the foot. The weekend after that I couldnt meet up with him again because i had other plans. So, the next weekend after I had missed him and thought we should really see each other after it has been 3 weeks. We agreed to meet this time and I found out there was a music concert we could go. So, i forward the info to him and I was surprised he didnt responsed until 2 days after and he apologized for the delayed how work was very busy. I started to pull the gun and started negging to him why didnt you at least drop me line ? I thought something happened to you? I also said why your text message is so slow now? You don’t care about me? He says of couse I do. My place is a mess and I’m tired from work I hope you understand. I said are we meeting up this week? He says of course we’ll meet up. I text him if you’re not going I’ll go with my friends. He says of course we’ll meet up. I text please buy the both tickets :) He asked me which one I wanted to see? I replied him back 45 mins after. I was angry about his delayed replys so I thought I treated him the same. He suddently says i think you should go with your friends cuz I might work this weekend and I don’t want you to miss the show cuz of me. He suddenly back off and it has been 6 days almost a week i havent heard from him. The last reply on that day I have said we havent seen each other for a month. Are you that busy? I was hoping you would accompany me :( I don’t know what to do? He has lost interest in me? Or he knows I like him now and he is just afraid to get further on with the relationship?

  21. Natalia Dunson says:

    It’s so good to see these messages! It feels like its therapy and food for a woman’s soul. I am such a nice person, caring, understanding, attractive, educated and ambitious woman. I can’t really understand why I keep dating the Houdini types. At this point, I just don’t want anyone anymore. I feel hurt, used and abused. The last guy really hit the nail in to the coffin. We had everything in common. He said he had never felt more attracted and connected to any other woman in his entire life. We spent days just talking and connecting (or so I thought). He showered me with affection, attention and we genuinely had similar interests, beliefs, and goals in life. We opened up and talked about very personal things in our lives. It was amazing and beautiful. I’m 29 and I am an attractive woman and I get approached by TONS of guys and THIS felt genuine. I’m also very intuitive and I thought I knew this was different and felt right. We did sleep together pretty quickly but immediately afterwards he told me that he would want to sleep with me at least a thousand times more because it was amazing which led me to believe that he wouldn’t disappear. We spent the next day together just talking about life. And then POOF. No answer, no texts, no calls, nothing!!!!!! It just felt like a dream. He kept telling me that he was definitely going to see me again and that what we had wasn’t going to be some fling…he promised me that as he left my apartment…it was literally the last thing he said to me. He seemed so sincere and I don’t think any man has ever lied to me like that. It’s just so hard for me to believe that it was a lie. My intuition is always right and my gut tells me it wasn’t a lie. I think he really felt an intense connection and just disappeared because of it. Granted, it’s only been 2 weeks but I feel like 2 weeks is too long for a guy who seemed to be so into me. I just wish he knew how much it hurt me.

    • jen says:

      I feel so much empathy for what you are going through Natalia. Something similar recently happened to me for the first time at the age of 55. I thought I had been through an awful lot in various relationships in the past but being encouraged to bare your heart and trust another being only for them to completely withdraw and disappear without explanation was truly one of the most painful things I have ever suffered. It gives you a terrible feeling of worthlessness, as though you can just be discarded and just tossed aside without any discussion or chance to have closure. It is extremely unkind and difficult to comprehend when the unkind and cruel act is being perpetrated by the very person who had done their utmost to have you believe they would be the last person to hurt you. In my case the guy disappeared and then suddenly reappeared after three weeks but was cool and distant and gave me no explanation as to what had happened. He seemed to expect me to react to him as though he never left and the person I thought I knew some weeks back is gone and has been replaced by someone I no longer do. It really messes with your head. His returning has helped me move on though. Just disappearing is so very cruel.

      • Marnie says:

        Wonderful verbage to discribe a not so wonderful act of betrayal.
        I am rowing the same boat with you. My significant other just disappeared after two plus years. We are both highly educated, and not immature 18 yr. olds.
        I have a feeling that my former guy…(I am moving on), will also reappear and act as if nothing serious happened, that he was just “in a dark place”, as he likes to say, or that his company was having problems….(he owns a large company), and that he was overwhelmed.
        In the meantime, I have gone back on one of the better dating sites, and have a coffee date this weekend. I have waited over three weeks for the old boyfriend to reappear, so, from experience, I can tell you the best way to stop thinking about the old is to meet the new, not for a relationship, but just for some socialization.

    • Marnie says:

      Dear Natalia,
      I am a licensed psychologist, and even I have had a man disappear.
      In your case, thank your lucky stars it happened quickly, and not after a couple of years. Usually when there is a case similar to yours, you did sleep too quickly with him, his remarks upon leaving tell a lot……..that he didn’t intend to come back, they were the lies of a player. The other situation is that he did feel intense feelings, but was not ready for a serious relationship. He nipped it in the bud after going home and thinking about it.
      Contrary to some opinions, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to him casually,and asking what made him just leave, of course many of these immature and inconsiderate men, will duck the phone call, or not reply to the text, be prepared for that. After a try or two, just get back out there! The best way to forget is to go on a few dinner dates…..note I said dinner dates……stick to the five date rule………..if the guy is still hanging in after five dates, then consider sleeping with him, this rule will save you much heartache. Blessing to you!


  22. sonia says:

    I have been dating this guys for almost 2 months, he got my number from a friend because he was really interested after seeing my pictures. We met and I thought this guy seems really nice and down to earth, he then cooked me dinner and things just progressed, I never pushed him, we saw each other about once a week and text during the week, everything seemed fine and not rushed as we had both been in long relationships. I did ask him after about a month if he was seeing other people and he said no and was enjoying seeing me. Then the last time I saw him everything was nice we just hung out. Then I asked him if he would like to catch up on a weekend and do something and he said he had allot on on the wknd and will see how it goes. I haven’t heard from him for about 4 days but I don’t intend on chasing him. There were no signs, I don’t understand why guys cant man up and tell women the truth and not waste there time, Its takes a big blow from your self esteem and its just plain cruel.

  23. a confused woman... says:

    Hi I’m very confused right now .I was seeing this guy he was great. a really nice good looking guy we saw each other for only 1 mouth but we did a lot of talking. kissing.and more well it’s was great having someone to talk every night..I been single for 5 yrs now and I felt so good to share with someone. but a week ago his father .die.and he went to Ny for a week he call me to let me know .he was not goin to call me for a few days because of it.. and I say that was ok but he is back in town now.. For 4 days now and has not call me are text me for nothing. Show I call him are text him to see if he is ok is been a week now that I don’t heard from him.. I really like him..

  24. oli says:

    Im in the same situation currently

    I had been dating someone who was consistently texting and contacting me daily and seeing me 1-2 times per week for the past 3.5 months. We actually just took a week long vacation together where he professed his affection, called me his girlfriend and said he wanted a long term relationship with me. He was always kind , loving and considerate to me so there was no indicatoin of the impending vanishing act. We frequently made plans and discussed our future together. The day after we got home from vacation he vanished. I texted 4 days in saying that kind of behavior hurt my feelings and asked if he had something he wanted to discuss. He replied no nothing to talk about with the age old “been busy at work excuse” the very next day he vanished again. I personally havent texted or reached out and havent heard a peep from him since. That was a week ago. At this point I dont think hes coming back and even if he does i feel too disrespected to give him another chance. I wont be contacting him ever again. His loss not mine. It still hurts though. and it makes zero sense so im extremely confused by this behavior. I refuse to accept this type of vanishing act. NEXT!

  25. ms ask me says:

    So if a guy goes mia..on you it is a pattern and he probably does it with other women???

    • Marnie says:

      Dear ms ask me……
      As a licensed psychologist in Florida, I can tell you that yes, he most likely has reapeated this behaviior. If it gives you any comfort, this can happen to any of us. It has happened to me twice. Once when I was 18……..so that you can overlook to some extent because of immaturity, and once recently in middle age, from a man I had had a 2 plus year relationship with!
      I discussed this with a respected psychiatrist friend of mine, and she agrees with your thought, in fact her very words were, “he has probably done this before, just not with you.”
      The problem with this type of behavior is that unlike drinking too much, gambling, or any other bad behaviors, this one is difficult to ever spot, you have no clues ahead of time that this will happen. All you can do is move on.

  26. Andy says:

    A lot been going on with my now ex boyfriend. Last week I got angry at him… After the last few days he was acting wired the way he was talking to last Friday was the last time I saw him , he ask if I still wanted to be with him. I said don’t ask me that , I can’t answer that. I didn’t answer because I was confused everything that was happening. After he said okay I have to go, we can talk after when I came back if you want . That was the last time I heard from him. The next day I sent him a text on whatsapp a disappointing face -.- I know he saw it becoz it said he was online and seen I sent another “okay that’s fine ….. It’s been seen no reply haven’t hear from him since now and he’s online but nothing since that day I haven’t said nothing

  27. Alexandra says:

    Never underestimate your gut instinct. Been seeing a guy for about 3 months and when we met up, he was absolutely charming, talked about the future etc etc and then the next day he would go quiet but then reappear all sweetness and light. I always had a nagging doubt but because he kept turning up and would then increase contact, I fell for it. I even invited him to my birthday party as I thought it would be strange if someone I saw so regularly wasn’t invited (and how would I feel if it was his party and he didn’t invite me?). Anyway, he made some excuse (cue another red flag) but continued to contact me until he disappeared into a puff of smoke. I read somewhere about a ‘graceful exit’ (i.e.) giving him one chance to explain but absolutely no chance! What and let him have another go at rejecting me or, worse, not replying? I have learned (another) valuable life lesson out of all this and will keep my dignity and my silence. As Abraham Lincoln said: “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt”. Another phrase that applies to Houdinis: “some people come into your life as a lesson…those people are better known as ‘douchebags’. Let them go, people and stay strong!

    • Mary says:

      I consider it rude just to disappear out of the blue, especially if you’ve had frequent interaction with sb. But some people seem not to make a big deal out of those things. People are complex and they had their own fears and torments, and they rather keep them in private. Maybe we’re better off not making a big deal out of it.

  28. nova says:

    hi doctor !..my boy friend had met me when he was engaged to another girl his marriage was after one month , but we could not do any thing , i knew that he loved me since the first time we met ,we were just talking by eyes ,we were fine even after his marriage, because we are working in the same place , but after one month i was so sad because i am lonely and we could not find appropriate way for talking normally , so i decided to travel for 3monthes , i wanted to give him time and space , and also i did not want to destroy his marriage , after that vacation i came back , i missed him badly , and we saw each other only once , after that he disappeared totally , i thought he left his work because of me , but by chance i discovered that he still working in the same place ! but he was not going out in breaks or any time i could see him .
    what does that mean?
    thanks a lot for your efforts and patience ..

    • Marnie says:

      Dear Nova………….it means he does not want to harm his marriage by being involved with you. Do the right thing and stay away from this man. Reflect on the Golden Rule……….would you want some woman obsessing on your husband?

  29. Mary says:

    I had this experience recently with I guy I had a night with, nothing serious, but then he started messaging me on FB and telling me to meet, but whenever I asked him “when?” he would say “let’s see”… and then the day we were supposed to meet at a friend’s party, he did not show up. I was very disconcerted but somehow predicted it. He’s never available. I figure I just just forget him, cause he was nice and all, he came by a few times and had a good time, I was beginning to have a crush on him… kinda lame, why the “let’s meet” part, totally unnecessary. But that’s how it goes.

  30. Anna says:

    so I have a problem that this boy i like asked me out and then two days later he disapers with no warning ,track. Nothing no one knows were he is and before he disaperd he told me he loves me and to forgive him for everything he ever did to me. And now I’m really worried because I love him even do he hurt me and I can’t stand to be away from him. And I don’t know what to do he gave me a number the same day he told me he love me. What should I do?

  31. alex says:

    i met this boy online two months ago and then we started dating. everything seems great, almostperfect. he is sweet and look so damn honest. he totally got me. he even mentioned about marriage and moving in together. i got a lot of red flags though so im alwys in doubt.. i haave tried talking to him about this things but he gets angry everytime im trying to open up. he even called me poisonous and a drama queen. thinking that maybe its my fault, i have decided to take our relationship more seriously. but then after a night full of love he just suddendly disappeared. he even blocked me in whatsapp.. then now i am thinking.. was he real? or he just
    taken what he wanted? its been a week now since he just vanished. and i am totally crazy now finding the reason why. but then at the back of my mind ” i should have known” its too good to be true. no man can never say they already found the right one for them after one day.

  32. Andy says:

    I disappear when I find a woman has grossly misrepresented herself trying to get me to like her, attempts to be manipulative or turns out to have a serious deal breaker… like having past history as a meth user or other substance abuse… all of previously mentioned eventually becomes evident in their behavior, as soon as I see the red flag I’m gone, already learned the hard way.

    • Marnie says:

      You are right in leaving if you discover serious problems with a woman, such as drug abuse, etc.
      I would hope, however, that you give her the courtesy of telling her why you are ending the relationship, it may very well help her in the future. Please never just disappear like a thief in the night, this helps noone.
      Kind Regards,
      Dr. Marnie

  33. Roxanne says:

    From my experience, half of the Houdinis are married. The rest are imature and cowards and afraid to confrunt you with the real reason: he’s a player, or he’s just not that i to you. Learning about his past should give you a clue. Either way, he’s a liar and a weak man. You haven’t lost anything!

  34. Dechelon says:

    so, this happens to me too much to count, i can usually see it coming but this time, we made plans on saturday, he was like i miss you, and we had had a serious talk where I shared things with him and he took some time to think about if he wanted to stay with me and he said he still wanted me as his girlfriend and we talked everyday, Saturday morning everything was fine, havent heard from him since now its tuesday. its so out of character and im wracking my brain, i really dont want to start over again dating. He is literally everything I have said I wanted in a man. No idea what to do, I dont wanna be all crazy looking by driving by his house or his work but I just want to know if hes alive?

  35. melody says:

    Wow, cannot believe how often this happens. I had the same thing recently happen to me.
    I was treated like a princess for months. We met in July and had started to date long distance, everything was going great. I would see him once week or every other week and lately talked for hours on phone daily. I would hear things like I’m crazy about you, I can’t stop thinking about you…He would shower me with gifts and was also so kind.
    He went back to visit his kids out of state last weekend and then on Wednesday decides to tell me thru text, I need to take a step back…we can be friends and I have to monitor my feeling/actions. It’s possible I’m moving for work in 6-12 months. We have to be casual, etc.
    no other excuses, was like a bomb just dropped! He totally said it was him etc. He said I was first person he’d dated since his ex wife of only a year and some months ago.
    I never saw it coming, which is the hardest part and also the lack of explanation or even a phone call to talk. It definitely hurts and mostly because we became close friends. It’s been 5 days since his text, and I’ve heard nothing…Is there a time that i can contact him or just say hello in the future? I don’t play games or enjoy them.
    any thoughts would be appreciated…

    • Marnie says:

      First of all, it IS him, not you………but in this case, I would suggest that having only been divorced for a year, he does not wish to enter into another LTR or marriage, and your continuing closeness scared him, and he retreated. Many divorced men are gun shy, if it has been more than one divorce, even more so! A three time “loser”……………WATCH OUT!
      There is nothing wrong with reaching out once or twice…….perhaps a freindly text, a Christmas card, etc…………after that, if no response, move on.
      Kind Regards,
      Dr. Marnie

  36. Anahita says:

    I am in the same situation currently…. met a guy on FB and got very intimate with him, after months of texting phone calling, sending pics, suddenly he stopped calling me and disappeared, tried to ask him why but all he said was: I am busy, I am very tired
    I am so hurt, dont know what to do, but the thing I know is that I am not going to trust ANY MAN EVER….. I had this experience before and its second time that this happens to me!!!!!
    its excruciating:-(

  37. ann says:

    Yes, i have had this experience. Its been a long term rollercoaster relationship. He cheated on me with more than one woman, that was a shock though eventually i forgave him. The trust issues remained and once i questioned him when i had doubts. That was the last i saw of him. He refuses to take my calls and i’m hurt and confused. Was i wrong to forgive him when he cheated. Also was i wrong to expect honesty and transparency. Can someone tell me where i went wrong.

  38. Dr. Marnie says:

    One technique that seemed to ward off this bad behavior with my clients in the past was when getting into a relationship, they shared what had happened to them in the past when a man disappeared with no explanation, and how much it hurt them. Sometimes just sharing this information seemed to make men more verbal if they wanted to leave the relationship, and at least gave the woman some type of explanation.

  39. Dr. Marnie says:

    Ladies, (and guys too), one thing that helps some people from initially even getting involved with a person that may disappear is to check them out when you first have interest in them. For those who posted that you suspected many of these men were married, you may have been correct. This certainly explains the sudden departure when the wife becomes suspicious! It is very easy these days to check out anyone for free on the various sites. Check a few sites, each one may have a bit of information on the person you are curious about. Many of the sites list who else lives in the home! Red flag, Red flag, if you see a woman who is about the same age as the man of interest. Also check their name out on Facebook……….the wife may even be listed as a friend. I had one client who started talking to a man she met on a dating site, went to Facebook, and walla!!….there he was with his status listed as married! She confronted him, by leaving a voice mail, and the next thing she knew, a huge basket of every product his company made arrived at her work place, no note, just the basket. Of course if you listened carelfully, the basket was saying……take this gift and please don’t contact my wife!

  40. JJ says:

    It’s horrible isn’t it? it happened to me. We had a long distance relationship which lasted 3 years. the times we met it was wonderful, but our relationship was mostly talking over the phone, he’d call me multiple times a day, for 3 years!! the last time we met for a weekend it was great. I felt so close to him after all the talking and sharing for so long. Said goodbye on a Sunday night and poof….he disappeared. I made a few attempts to contact him, but nothing too aggressive, just enough to say, “hey, whats up? are you ok?. he would avoid me on all manner of media. At first I thought “What did I do wrong” then I got to thinking “stuff you, you ignorant idiot, how dare you treat me like this”. A year or so goes by and I get an email from him literally saying these words “Hey, where are you? have you died or something?” Ahhh finally here’s my chance to treat him just how he treated me, i ignored him and didn’t respond. He tried a couple of times since and I simply refused to acknowledge him at all. Its been years now since I had any contact with him. I know he sees me living my happy life with my lovely husband on FB
    I know this because we have a couple of mutual friends who tell me he sees it. My advice to women going through the same thing is right when it happens its ok to send a few (2 or 3) messages over the space of a few days asking the obvious, are you ok? whats going on? then just stop. Just stop trying altogether. The ball is in his court at that point and its up to you to get on with your life. But I would say, if he does come back, don’t bother with him, just relish in the knowledge that he couldn’t stay away from you and you were the one who finally gave him the push. I think the reason they do it is because they’re just not emotionally ready to handle a relationship and thats ok, but they’re also not even able to handle an honest conversation about it, and that leaves you struggling for answers. You’re whole relationship with them will be a struggle because they don’t have emotional maturity. Let their mothers work on that with them, while you date an awesome guy who can handle it.

  41. JJ says:

    re. the above comment, just to clear up any confusion… I met and married my husband AFTER this guy.

  42. Lucy says:

    Great article Joe & thank you!
    It’s just over a month that the man I’d been seeing for the last 7 months unceremoniously stopped calling. There was passion & fireworks between us right from the start however we were at different stages in our lives so I knew it would never be forever. Despite this I was consumed by the connection & believed when the time came we would part on amicable terms. Sadly he was too much of a coward to have that conversation with me & after reading your article it’s helped me realize it was due to fear & confusion. So after a few days of silence I wrote him a text saying “I understand now that you’ve been trying to break up with me but I needed the words & deserved the words from you so I’ll say them for us.. Good bye & take care”
    By doing this I was giving myself closure, not to say my heart wasn’t broken it was, like shards of glass.
    I read a few posts from others & couldn’t believe when scrolled down how many sisters out there that this has happened to!!
    Let’s take back our power because we deserve to be treated as goddesses anything less will not do & though our hearts have been broken may the light shine through that crack & make us stronger Lucy ❤

  43. marnie says:

    I believe this article has and will help many women. Oftentimes we feel this has only happened to us, we have never had it happen before, and never heard of our friends having it happen. This being said, we all need to look at ourselves, and ask, “Did I ever do something similar to this to a man?”. Yes, in most cases I have observed, it is the man departing, however, I know that I, myself, in years past, just never contacted a man again when I said that I would. This was after only a few dinner dates, but now I realize that even that can hurt. How much better if we just send a brief note by email, thanking him for dinner, lunch, whatever, but saying that we just didn’t feel a connection. It gives the man closure, it prevents him from feeling foolish for continuing to call, or contact us in any way, hoping to see us again.
    Dr. Marnie

  44. Confused says:

    I got stood up tonight by the guy I’m seeing…I was wondering if ‘not gonna make it tonight as something has come up ‘ has a different meaning than ‘ I can’t make it, something has come up’….without any apology

  45. Anonymous says:

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  46. Amanda says:

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