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Dear Claire, I’ve been dating Evan for over two years now, but our relationship doesn’t seem to be moving forward. I mean, we go out nearly every week, text all the time, and we’ve started sleeping together. But I never hear him talk about wanting more (like marriage, kids, etc.), and he doesn’t respond when I mention my desire to “settle down.” I’m 41 (divorced, no kids) and he’s 39. How long do I wait for this guy? Is he a waste of my time? What can I do to get him to take things more seriously? – Elisabeth

Elisabeth, it sounds to me like he really does like you, and enjoys your relationship. But from what you’ve told me, he’s not interested in settling down. So I really hope you’re seeing other men.

Here are a few other things you’ll want to keep in mind as you pursue your goal of finding the man who will marry you and love you forever…

1. Set your timeline for dating

Always know how long you’re going to be willing to date a man. If you want an exclusive, committed relationship within, say, two years, then it’s much easier to make decisions about what kinds of things you’ll be actively looking for, what kinds of conversations you’ll want to have.

 2. Communicate your timeline

Don’t expect this important conversation to come up on it’s own. Since you’re on a timeline, you want to let him know what that timeline is so that he can make his own decisions. Here are a few ways to let him know:

If I know a guy isn’t serious, I don’t date him for more than a couple of months. I’m looking for the kind of man I could build a life with…”

A year is plenty of time to know whether I want to settle down and commit to a guy or move on. We’ve been dating for what, 8 months now?”

It’s not my intention to date for years on end; I hope to find the man I want to be with forever by the time I’m 32 [or whatever age you want].”

Here’s the painful part: if he seems to deflect or ignore all your timeline comments, or he simply won’t respond… you have your answer, and it’s “no.” I know it hurts, but now you can move forward.

3. Know how guys operate, with regard to dating

Most worthwhile guys will step up their game to win your attention within the first three to six months of dating (Mike Fiore would probably tell you sooner). If your man hasn’t made a move to intensify your relationship pretty quickly, chances are he’s content to let it flow and not think about the future.

In fact, if he hasn’t escalated his effort, chances are he isn’t really interested in anything more than a low-intensity connection, and he probably is a waste of your time. This is especially true if you’ve communicated your limited availability to him (#2, above) and nothing changes.

4. Intensify your dating life

If you’re not in a committed relationship and are hoping to find one, don’t simply give all your time and attention to a single man who doesn’t look like he’s going to commit. Date! There are lots of fabulous guys out there who will be ready to win your heart.

5. Never wait on a man UNLESS…

Most of the time I say “never wait on a man.” But sometimes there’s a good reason to be patient. If you and your man

a. have an exclusive relationship, and
b. he makes you a priority in his life, and
c. you believe you both want the same thing (commitment) for your future…

BUT your timeline is a bit shorter than his… Well, then I can see a reason to hold on a bit longer.

Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment!

What do you think? Have you been in a relationship that proves or disproves the “don’t waste your time” or “don’t wait on a man” idea?

Claire Casey

Claire Casey devotes her writing to empower women; to help you attract the kind of man who will treasure your heart like the rare gem it is.

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What Do You Think?

2 Comments | Join the discussion

  • reiko Jul 19, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    i’ve been close with my friend, but he’s far away from me now. At night before my sister wedding, and the topic was about wedding, suddenly he said “wait for me”. After that he moved for studying. It’s been 1year now. He used to text me everyday, giving voice messages too, but not anymore, maybe because of the school. Should i wait for him? i feel like he’s kinda waiting for me too tho. but all people around me keep saying “find another guy”. pls help me

  • LittleTinks Jul 7, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I’ve been seeing a guy for about 4 months…… I’m thinking of having ‘the talk’ about where we are headed, but a, confused about how I should broach the subject and bring it up and what to say….. Help!


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