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Today I’m going to tell you how to “Fight-Proof” your relationship with a man so you never fall into stupid fights and anxiety and anger again…

Sarah Asks…
“I want to talk to my boyfriend about how he is suddenly treating me or not treating me.
According to the ‘How to tell if he really loves you’ test, he does love me. He does all of the steps except actually saying the words that he loves me.
He still makes plan for the future with me. However lately he doesn’t seem to care about what I want or how I feel, and our conversations and time together seems strained. I want to ask him what is going on with him but I’m afraid it will drive a bigger wedge between us. Is he loses the feelings he felt for me, or is it a phase.
How do I start the conversation of how I feel and what I need from him in return, and where we are going as a couple since he doesn’t mention that anymore?”

Hey Sarah…
Thanks so much for your question and honestly, congratulations.
By using our little “Does He Really Love You” tool you get to address the problems in your relationship from a realistic place instead of from a place of anxiety.

Now let’s dig into your question by breaking it down into a couple parts:

1: How to Get a Guy to Do What You Want Without Starting a Fight…
Let me tell you a story about a trip to Mexico I took recently.
A couple weeks back my (awesome) girlfriend and I took a trip down to Cancun for a “business trip.” (It was a lot of fun.)
And while we were there we got into a little fight.
And the reason we got into a little fight was because she hit me with a stick when she should have offered me a carrot.

See, we were in a bar in Cancun with a bunch of other folks from the conference when I glanced over and saw my girlfriend in a conversation with a guy.

In the past, we’ve had a small problem because she feels like whenever I see her talking to a guy I come over and “mark my territory” by wrapping my arms around her or otherwise making it VERY clear that she’s MY woman when she’s just having an innocent conversation.
(Personally, when I was single I always appreciated it when guys let me know a girl was taken, but whatever.)

Anyway, this time I glanced over, saw she was talking to a guy and very specifically did NOT go over and interrupt or interject into their conversation in any way.
I was pretty proud of myself.

Until 5 minutes later she came over and all hell broke loose.
See, my (awesome) girlfriend came over and said
Mike, I really need you to not do that thing you do where you get all lovey on me when I’m talking to someone.”

And all of a sudden I got mad.
Because I DIDN’T do that thing and I was getting “yelled at” for it anyway.

What my girlfriend SHOULD have done was come over to me and say “Hey, thank you so much for not coming over and getting all handset on me while I was talking to that guy about business stuff. You’re awesome. I love you.

In other words, she should have used POSITIVE reinforcement instead of NEGATIVE criticism.

And this can apply to your situation too.

If you go to your guy from a place of anger, pain and criticism it’s going to put him on the defensive and make him “blow up” the way I kind of did.
But if you go to him praising him for whatever little thing he’s doing right, it gives you a chance to broach the topic in a less confrontational way.

So…
Bad: “I feel like you’re ignoring me!!”
Good: “It’s really great knowing how much you love me.”

But then that brings us to the second part of your question:
2: Is he losing feelings for you, or is it a phase?
Well, I don’t know.
And neither do you.
And neither does he.

In any relationship there’s going to be ebbs and flows in the feelings you have for each other.
There’s going to be days you wake up INCREDIBLY in love and obsessed with your man.
And there’s going to be days you wish you could replace him with an animatronic teddy bear.
And the same goes for him.

But here are a few principles:
A. What he’s going through probably has very little to do with you or how he feels about you at all. (He’s obviously got something on his mind.)

B. He’s “going internal” because a lot of guys simply don’t know how to share their feelings or are afraid of being judged.

So what do you do?
For now I’d recommend something along the lines of making him a little card that says…
“Seems like you’ve been going through something lately. Just wanted to let you know how much I love you no matter what it is.”

In other words, show support without “prying.”
If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to bring out the big guns and flat out tell him “I know you love me, but I really need you to talk to me.

It might blow up in your face, but at least you’ll get somewhere.

Michael Fiore

Internationally recognized as the foremost expert on how to have great relationships in the modern world, Michael is blunt, funny, and always honest.

In 2011, Michael appeared on “The Rachael Ray” show with his popular “Text The Romance Back Program” (Rachael said he gave her “chills”). Since then Michael has given women X-Ray vision into men’s minds with “The Secret Survey”, helped thousands rebuild relationships with “Text Your Ex Back”, and has become an Amazon Best Selling Author.

Michael lives in Seattle, WA and is currently hard at work on his next shocking, straightforward and really, really useful program.

What Do You Think?

5 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Kate Aug 23, 2014 at 5:20 am

    I tried all that. He was not willing to talk anyway, and when I dais that ‘I really need you to talk to me’ part, he said he was not used to talking and in the end he dumped me. All that advice does not work at all – as long as those relationship experts start teaching MEN that a woman needs affection and attention, otherwise guys will never have a normal loving and understanding partner.
    Besdes – have sex and even more sex? Dear advisers, have you tried it? I tried initiating sex and he turned me down! He said he was ‘not in the mood’. Needless to say I still feel humiliated like s**t though it’s been a year we broke up! Initiate it, indeed!
    I wish those relationship experts all go broke. Period.

    Reply
  • Mary Dec 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I tried all this, he only blew up at me when I questined his stories he told me , repeated and not so repeated lies .No not sex enhanceement drugs, vitamin D lol. He said yeah I cheated on you , suck it up .

    Reply
  • Dawne Dec 7, 2012 at 7:57 am

    That part where he didn’t go over and put his arms around her. I am a little confused. I don’t think she criticized him because he did do it but its because he didn’t. Women want to feel the security of her man when another man is present. Some men do not care if the woman is taken. But I don’t understand why she would say that he did do it when in fact that he didn’t do it. I know men love it when us women say what we really mean. Men think with simple reasoning, if a woman says to him the opposite of what she wants than she is going about it the wrong way.

    Reply
  • David Dec 7, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Well, I’m wondering why she did that if you didn’t do that to her. Did she just have it in her head that you were going to do it at some point and she wanted to head you off “at the pass”? Honestly I don’t blame you for getting mad, I would do the same. Its one of the biggest things I hate, blaming me for stuff I didn’t do and I have zero tolerance for it. It will make me leave a relationship. The main reason I react like that is because I don’t do it to her. I might say that she’s being a chick when she says or does something lots of other women do that is irritating and most women don’t like to be compared to any other woman. But I never blame her for stuff she doesn’t do.

    Reply
  • Tracy Dec 7, 2012 at 7:42 am

    I was concerned about why my finace doesnt express his self like he use to – when I ask him about it he says hes got comfortable & now that we are together & getting married he doesnt feel he has to tell me heart felt things anymore… He always tells mehe loves it when I tell him or text him how I feel but yet I dont get it in return – why does he do this & is it common for men after they get ” comfortable”?

    Reply

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