Today I’m going to tell you how to “Fight-Proof” your relationship with a man so you never fall into stupid fights and anxiety and anger again…
“I want to talk to my boyfriend about how he is suddenly treating me or not treating me.
According to the ‘How to tell if he really loves you’ test, he does love me. He does all of the steps except actually saying the words that he loves me.
He still makes plan for the future with me. However lately he doesn’t seem to care about what I want or how I feel, and our conversations and time together seems strained. I want to ask him what is going on with him but I’m afraid it will drive a bigger wedge between us. Is he loses the feelings he felt for me, or is it a phase.
How do I start the conversation of how I feel and what I need from him in return, and where we are going as a couple since he doesn’t mention that anymore?”
Thanks so much for your question and honestly, congratulations.
By using our little “Does He Really Love You” tool you get to address the problems in your relationship from a realistic place instead of from a place of anxiety.
Now let’s dig into your question by breaking it down into a couple parts:
1: How to Get a Guy to Do What You Want Without Starting a Fight…
Let me tell you a story about a trip to Mexico I took recently.
A couple weeks back my (awesome) girlfriend and I took a trip down to Cancun for a “business trip.” (It was a lot of fun.)
And while we were there we got into a little fight.
And the reason we got into a little fight was because she hit me with a stick when she should have offered me a carrot.
See, we were in a bar in Cancun with a bunch of other folks from the conference when I glanced over and saw my girlfriend in a conversation with a guy.
In the past, we’ve had a small problem because she feels like whenever I see her talking to a guy I come over and “mark my territory” by wrapping my arms around her or otherwise making it VERY clear that she’s MY woman when she’s just having an innocent conversation.
(Personally, when I was single I always appreciated it when guys let me know a girl was taken, but whatever.)
Anyway, this time I glanced over, saw she was talking to a guy and very specifically did NOT go over and interrupt or interject into their conversation in any way.
I was pretty proud of myself.
Until 5 minutes later she came over and all hell broke loose.
See, my (awesome) girlfriend came over and said
“Mike, I really need you to not do that thing you do where you get all lovey on me when I’m talking to someone.”
And all of a sudden I got mad.
Because I DIDN’T do that thing and I was getting “yelled at” for it anyway.
What my girlfriend SHOULD have done was come over to me and say “Hey, thank you so much for not coming over and getting all handset on me while I was talking to that guy about business stuff. You’re awesome. I love you.”
In other words, she should have used POSITIVE reinforcement instead of NEGATIVE criticism.
And this can apply to your situation too.
If you go to your guy from a place of anger, pain and criticism it’s going to put him on the defensive and make him “blow up” the way I kind of did.
But if you go to him praising him for whatever little thing he’s doing right, it gives you a chance to broach the topic in a less confrontational way.
Bad: “I feel like you’re ignoring me!!”
Good: “It’s really great knowing how much you love me.”
But then that brings us to the second part of your question:
2: Is he losing feelings for you, or is it a phase?
Well, I don’t know.
And neither do you.
And neither does he.
In any relationship there’s going to be ebbs and flows in the feelings you have for each other.
There’s going to be days you wake up INCREDIBLY in love and obsessed with your man.
And there’s going to be days you wish you could replace him with an animatronic teddy bear.
And the same goes for him.
But here are a few principles:
A. What he’s going through probably has very little to do with you or how he feels about you at all. (He’s obviously got something on his mind.)
B. He’s “going internal” because a lot of guys simply don’t know how to share their feelings or are afraid of being judged.
So what do you do?
For now I’d recommend something along the lines of making him a little card that says…
“Seems like you’ve been going through something lately. Just wanted to let you know how much I love you no matter what it is.”
In other words, show support without “prying.”
If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to bring out the big guns and flat out tell him “I know you love me, but I really need you to talk to me.”
It might blow up in your face, but at least you’ll get somewhere.