A good friend of mine went through a breakup a few months ago. It was painful for her at first, but gradually she told me less and less about him. She started getting happier and enjoying life again.
But, her ex texted her out of the blue again a few weeks ago, then promptly stopped messaging. It immediately brought back the same old feelings, and suddenly she was depressed and withdrawn, after months of progress.
I’ve talked before about how breaking up can be painful, complete with physical withdrawal symptoms. Many psychologists have compared breaking up with someone we love deeply to losing a loved one to death. We even go through a similar process of grieving.
The main difference, however, is that our exes are still alive and it makes getting over them even harder since we might hold out a slim hope that they’ll be back.
Many reading this article are also pining for an ex, even one from years ago. If we’ve never fully “gotten over” an ex, those strong feelings–rage, sadness, longing, depression and more–can last for years!
But, holding onto an ex can be unhealthy and even outright toxic. It can lead to all sorts of problems, when forming new relationships.
So, if you’re still holding on to the memories of an ex, here are a few reminders why it isn’t worth it!
Only You Are Suffering, Not Your Ex
A guy I knew dated a girl for a couple of years in high school and considered her “the one.” They went to separate colleges and she broke up with him to date someone closer to home. He was devastated and spent years nursing feelings of sadness and loss. He always assumed that she felt the same and wanted him back.
At their ten year high school reunion, she showed up with her husband. My friend told her how he felt and she was both shocked and creeped out. It turns out his feelings were completely one-sided. She was happy with her new man and wanted nothing to do with him.
If you are suffering anguish, loss, anger, and sadness over an ex, remember that it’s likely one-sided. In most cases, unless you were forced to separate (like by parents forbidding your relationship in high school or through moving), your ex doesn’t feel the same way.
So, you’re not “getting back” at your ex by constantly being angry. And, your feelings definitely aren’t moving you any closer to getting in a relationship with him or her. Your ex has likely moved on and is probably feeling good about new relationships and experiences, while your emotions are simply making you miserable and lonely.
There Are Many (And Better) Fish in the Sea
There are around 7.5 billion people in the world. Since you’re only likely to date one sex, that means you’ve picked one person out of 3.75 billion to obsess over.
Human brains are wired to pair up with each other. And, as mentioned above, breaking that bond is very tough. However, out of 3.75 billion people, you’re not only very likely to find other people to pair up with, but the odds are great that you’ll find someone better.
Your brain is likely telling you that you’ll never find someone better, but I’m here to tell you that you can. At the very least, you’ll find someone who actually wants you, which is far better than holding out for someone who clearly doesn’t (an ex).
You might argue that you’re stuck in a small town or have trouble meeting people or any number of excuses. Obviously, the billions number I gave earlier was an exaggeration in terms of realistically meeting someone.
But, if you have time to devote constant mental and emotional energy into missing an ex, you can channel that into finding ways to meet someone new, even if it involves changing locations or trying new strategies (e.g. online dating).
Independence is Attractive (And Fun)
A friend of mine dated a guy for three years. She relied on him for everything and was extremely emotionally attached. He met a new girl and unceremoniously dumped her, moving out of their shared apartment with no notice.
During their time together, she had focused so much on him and their shared relationship that she didn’t care about her own needs. When he moved out, she had gained thirty pounds, given up a good job to focus on his career, had few friends left, and rarely saw her family. Now she had to rebuild her life from scratch.
Giving up your own independence for another person is rarely worth it. Relationships should be interdependent, but you should never put your own happiness second. And, by pining over an ex, you’re still putting your happiness second.
The best solution is to spend time and energy on yourself! This includes both fun stuff and self-improvement. Go on a vacation, take up a hobby, or start working out. Find something you love and do it. Choose things that make you a better and stronger person.
Not only will you look and feel more confident, but you’ll appear more attractive to other people, which will help in finally moving on from your ex.
You Lose Control Of Your Life
Life is short and it’s super easy to live with regret. When you live with negative feelings over an ex, you’re letting that person control your priorities. That person is guiding your thoughts, feelings, and choices.
When you reject a new guy because you’re not over your ex, he is guiding your current dating life. When you go to bed at night thinking angry thoughts about the girl who dumped you, she’s impacting your health. This can go on indefinitely in all areas of your life.
Your ex probably takes up so much space in your head, he or she should pay you rent!
There are a lot of great, wonderful, and beautiful things out there in the world. People are flawed, but yes, there are even amazing people you can meet.
Don’t let your ex stop you from enjoying the world around you, especially when forming new relationships. Quit giving your ex free reign over your thoughts and choices. Take back control of your life and live it for you.
Your ex just isn’t worth it. You’ll find your freedom and greater happiness by realizing and acting upon this fundamental truth.
Still want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up and even if they’re dating somebody else now)? You need to watch this video right away. . . CLICK HERE!