Before I became Master Certified Relationship Coach and a happily married woman, I was very much a struggling dater just like you, who got cheated on by my partners… lots of them. Over the course of those many single years, I repeatedly asked myself why does this keep happening to me?
I’m attractive, smart, fun, and am by no means sexually frigid, so why do my boyfriends keep looking for the company of other women? The answer is both a complex one and simple one. The simple answer is I allowed them to.
The complex answer needs a few more words so here are the Top 5 Reasons You May Be Attracting Cheaters:
Lack of Good Communication With Your Partner
Good communication is the key to any relationship. In the early stage of dating, I asked my husband if he ever cheated on a girlfriend. He freely admitted he had. Of course, I did not like to hear this answer, but I knew it was better to ask and take note of what he said. Plus, I paid attention to how he answered it, rather than not to ask at all. And when you don’t have all the facts, your mind can really play tricks on you by making up stories you obsess over.
So early on in any of your future relationships, it is very important for you to communicate your feelings about cheating and also listen to your partner about their feelings. Get all the facts and come to an agreement.
Then, once you are committed, you must continue that open flow of communication because most experts agree that cheating starts and ends when “needs” are not being met. So if you and your partner communicate your needs, you will be much less likely to be at the other end of the cheating stick.
Always Seeing the Best in People
Far too many of the singles I work with come to me believing it’s easier to look at all the good qualities in a partner and try to ignore red flag flaws because they like the person so much. Don’t get me wrong, having a positive attitude about dating is extremely important to the process, but so is healthy critical thinking.
When I first started dating my husband, almost immediately I felt like he could be the one. Still, I had been hurt so many times before I was not going to believe he was the “right one” until he proved it. Do you know how many dates we went on before I actually let him know where I lived? Five!
To this day he still can’t believe I kept him waiting that long. Although I saw many good qualities in him, I wanted to make sure his actions matched his words, so I made him wait.
So slow down the dating process. Remember, it is your comfort that really matters. And taking your time you will help you avoid falling for a Dating Trap.
Being Too Trusting
If you are in a serious committed relationship, it should be okay to use each other’s phone and computers at times. But early on in a relationship, far too many singles don’t take the step to set up the expectation that this is something they want.
For more than once, I caught boyfriends cheating on me using their phone or computer. Almost since the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I occasionally would ask to use my husband’s phone or computer.
I always would do this in front of him and ask him permission first. Not once has he said no, and not once did I ever see anything that gave me any pause. If you are dating someone and they refuse to allow this request, then it may be something to be concerned about.
By setting this “Trust is earned not a right” standard early on in your relationship, you will actually build a foundation of trust that is so important to a healthy relationship.
Ignoring the Red Flags
How many times have you looked back on your cheating partner and said, “How did I miss the warning signs?” Sure, some partners are amazing at keeping you in the dark about their infidelities, but most leave a trail of crumbs that is easy to spot if you just look.
Maybe it’s that strange late night texts they made or not being available when they normally should be. When you have questions about what’s going on in your partner’s life, don’t assume your intuition is automatically wrong.
Conscious Dating is about paying attention to your partner and your relationship at all times and sometimes this act uncovers things you won’t like to see or hear. But if you’re able to identify and analyze these strange behaviors early enough in your relationship, you’ll be able to break up before your heart gets broken.
Not Screening for Your Non-Negotiables
Each of the above reasons you continue to be cheated on, begin and end with identifying and understanding your non-negotiables.
These, relationship deal-breakers, are the cornerstone of my Conscious Dating Programs. Most people have about 10 of them, and they are things like “My partner treats me like a priority” or “Family is important”.
Once you are armed with your Non-Negotiables, you will be able to screen them against your dates and find out if he is a good fit for you. And if he is a good fit, then the chances of him ever cheating on you becomes much less likely.
At the end of the day, if your intuition is telling you something is wrong… listen to it. It’s rare that our intuition is ever wrong. Don’t negotiate what you want or deserve for the sake of being in an average relationship.
You deserve to love and be loved the way you want. If you need help or have any questions, you can reach out to me CLICK HERE.