By · @CJWestyn  ·  · 474 Shares

What is RIGHT? What is WRONG?

In the midst of an aggressive spring cleaning spree I came across some old books from a college philosophy course in ethics and began to read. I couldn’t help but think of applying the fundamental questions of what is right and wrong to relationships and dating. The first thing that hit me was CHEATING! Most would agree that the act of cheating is “wrong.” But what’s to be said for the act of proving it?

Cheating Boyfriend Using CellphoneLet’s say he’s cheating and you KNOW it. He hasn’t been acting like himself and you’ve got a gut feeling. You just can’t prove it yet and you want EVIDENCE. There are countless ways to go about it, but now you have to start thinking about the possibility of compromising some of your own moral principles.

How far will YOU go to get the information you DESERVE?

We are faced with scenarios every day that put our value systems on the line. We find ourselves confronted with decisions that may force us to make some unsettling compromises.

Let’s assume you deem it “okay” to conduct an Official Cheating Investigation. You are the KGB and you need INTEL!

One optimal way to conduct an Official Cheating Investigation revolves around his cyber behavior. Technology has enhanced communication to the point where it has become difficult to conceal cheating!

Let’s take a look at some OPTIONS:

Facebook.

  • If you haven’t been already, start to follow his activity consistently. You will see patterns. Look for a clear departure from the content on which he generally comments and likes. You should see a change in his “Like Ratio.” Watch for a reallocation of likes and comments to anyone else, and keep your eyes glued to his new friends. Go to their profiles immediately, google them, and stay on top of HIM (figuratively for now).
  • What’s going on with that new “FRIEND” Kristyn? Is he liking her posts more often? Is he constantly commenting? Does it look like he puts a lot of time into crafting comments with double entendres or including inside jokes? Can you detect thinly-veiled references to seeing each other, either previously or in the near future?
  • Review his private messages (see below).

Wickr.

  • An app that allows messages to be sent and erased from existence in seconds. Is this app on his phone? Unless he needs it for reasons that you are aware of, the app itself is clear evidence that HE HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE.

Expand Your Search!

  • There are so many ways to cheat through technology that it could become difficult to keep up with the change! Keep researching to see what’s trending. He could be using Ashley Madison, meet2cheat or something NONE OF US have heard of yet! There are services like Spokeo that will allow you to use his email to find all of its registered social channels.

He could be using a stealth email. You may need dig deeper (see below):

Let’s now assume that you went ahead and tried these tactics to little or no avail. You CAN go farther if you choose. Today’s tech solutions make cheating investigations super easy to conduct. You can do one from the office…or the comfort of your bedroom.

Would you go so far as to use his sleeping fingerprint to open his iPhone?

Cheating Boyfriend’s Cellphone Caught by a Pretty WomanYou’ve hit your breaking point, and at your wits end you decide to get down and dirty. You will have access to his private messages, texts, email, EVERYTHING… your “family” data plan is the limit! This is the EASIEST and FASTEST way to find the evidence you DESERVE.

However, setting out on this course would move your decision making to a more extreme point on the moral spectrum. Is it “wrong” to go about it this way? How would you FEEL about it?

Let’s consider a few questions and open a dialogue:

  • Do the means justify the end if you choose to break into his phone?
  • Do you find the act of breaking into his phone “wrong” or “objectionable” in and of itself regardless of the outcome?
  • Where would you draw the line? What do you believe is RIGHT and what do you believe is WRONG?
CJ Westyn

CJ Westyn is a dating and relationship coach. He offers relationship coaching and dating advice via Skype, phone and in person sessions.

CJ Westyn is currently offering a complimentary coaching session to Digital Romance Inc subscribers. CLICK HERE for more info!

What Do You Think?

25 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Kristin Apr 19, 2015 at 11:30 am

    I am not opposed to any of the investigative strategies above. I won’t sit here and say that I don’t feel bad about it, because in the act I do. But, I feel that if there is enough reason to check into something, then you have the right to do it. I had suspicions about something (not cheating) with a past boyfriend and I was genuinely worried about him. I already knew the password to his phone so I looked through it confirmed my suspicions. We were then able to have a mature and open conversation about it. I was upfront and honest about where I had gotten the information and he wasn’t upset about it at all. There might be situations or relationships where the trust is too far broken to be repaired and something like looking through a phone is a far fetched attempt to try to find the truth. Keep in mind that there are situations where being “sneaky” helps open up doors of conversation that might have never been addressed if solid information wasn’t found on the significant others phone. Take a step back and try to see it from other points of view and other situations.

    Reply
  • rachel Apr 19, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Wrong to violate someone’s boundaries. If you suspect something, as Leila stated….discuss it with them. If you feel they are being dishonest, even during the discussion, red flag that this may not be a good choice for you. Who wants to spends hours tracking down their lover’s activities when they could better use that time to enjoy their partner.

    Reply
  • Leila Apr 18, 2015 at 1:42 am

    While it’s true that my pc is private – if I love someone I let them see it – I don’t have anything to hide from them. I get the impression from this article that this isn’t the case for a lot of people – that they wouldn’t let their spouse or girlfriend see their devices. If that were the case with my boyfriend or husband I would, of course, respect their choice, but at the same time I would be a bit surprised at it. If I thought they were cheating, first of all I would have got that idea (considering their privacy choice) some other way – intuition or something else, so I would expect to solve the dilemma non-digitally – in a real life way – that is, by talking to them about my suspicions.

    Reply
    • rachel   Leila Apr 19, 2015 at 6:39 am

      The best way to approach it.

      Reply
  • Gloria Apr 17, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    Unfortunately I have been put in the position to do some investigating. After 7 years together he started to drift. We have a son and when wedding plans kept being put off, well I began to wonder. I looked on Facebook and checked his friends lists grew, a lot of “single” women with children. I didn’t know any of them. Then I found more pics of him on other accounts. Well he showed single,(we were living together) he showed divorced in another & finally a widower on a another. From there I kicked him out and am raising our son alone. I’m not bitter. Actually proud of myself for this knowledge. It brought closure. The insecure feelings went away, because I confronted who made me feel that way and moved on.

    Reply
  • DD Apr 17, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    Reading this brought up some bad memories of a time when I knew in my gut that my guy was cheating.
    I ‘THOUGHT’ I needed proof. Proof would make it easier to break off our engagement. Proof would mean that I was not crazy and making this all up in my head. Proof would be a victory of sorts.
    WELL…. The proof was devastating…. the proof didn’t make it easier, it made it harder.
    I was devastated by what I had found and struggled for much longer than I care to admit.
    Not only did it take a LONG time to get over the break up, I had to deal with the all the intimate details I could not just forget about.
    I’m not proud of what I did, and I found more proof than I ever imagined I would find….. would I do it again…. NO. Would I just leave the relationship…. YES

    Reply
  • Maria Apr 17, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    I discovered a person that I simply clicked on her profile pic on his business site. And saw many photos and collages of such with him, her, and her family on vacation! During our marriage! I saw on his phone when a email came through from ashley Madison. I searched and discovered it is a cheating site for married ppl! He promised he would never do such things. Would never put himself In a situation that looked remotely questionable!! In 2012 is when I saw the photos, and he is still in contact with her today. All the while wanting to stay married to me. Says he loves me forever. I thought we could get help. But then I discovered he’s been sending her “our” money! We didn’t have much as it was. I had him served last year. He says I’m ruining his life. His business. When that girl was allowed to put their pics all over the web. And I was not not allowed to be known as his wife anywhere!

    Reply
  • Carrie Apr 17, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    I am going through a divorce from a serial cheater. We were married for 22 years so “back in the day”, I had to be more resourceful BUT I will say that towards the end, I just didn’t want to know AGAIN or need the proof. I knew but what good was the proof? Men are masters at denying even when guilty and mine had a way of making me feel like I was the crazy one for even mentioning it. I think if you have a hunch, you are probably right and then do what your gut says. I forgave over and over and I should have divorced him years ago. If you suspect cheating, something is broken in THEM, not you or anything you are doing.

    Reply
  • Julia Apr 17, 2015 at 11:37 am

    This feels horrible to read. No, no, no! Violating someone’s privacy like this is WRONG. If you feel you are cheated on, you either need to learn to choose better partners, or learn to deal with your insecurities and abandonment issues!

    Reply
  • Philip Apr 17, 2015 at 4:48 am

    CJ-
    Interesting article. My thought is that if you have to go to the measures outlined, the relationship is probably dead/not worth saving. In a worthwhile relationship (or my idea of one anyway), you should be able to expect honesty.
    IMO, you are not going to stop a cheater from cheating regardless of how many way you monitor their activity. I know we have all found ourselves doing some of the thing discussed, but I hope to end up in a relationship that does not require detective work- LOL!!!

    Reply
  • April Apr 16, 2015 at 10:56 am

    I’ve never thought of using someone’s fingerprint while they were sleeping. That’s super extreme! Browser history can reveal a lot about a person too… and surprisingly so can Pinterest.

    Reply

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