I recently had a client who was struggling with online communications with men. She had a habit of abruptly ending the communication when a man said something she didn’t like or even if she just thought it wouldn’t work between them because of distance or some other boundary she had set.
I’m all for setting boundaries – boundaries are healthy.
Unfortunately, what she was doing (and what I see lots of women doing) was putting up walls. She wasn’t communicating with these men. She was just cutting them off. A typical conversation with a man would go something like this:
Him: I know we live in different parts of the country, but I’d like to get to know you.
Her: How would that work?
Him: We could message, text, talk on the phone and if it’s going well I’d pay for you to come see me.
Her: No thanks. Good bye.
Her argument was that this type of man was just going to use her or he wasn’t sincere or she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with any of these guys.
I get that.
You don’t have to meet any of these guys or even continue with communications, however, if you truly want to be in a healthy relationship you have to learn how to express yourself – even when you’re irritated, upset, or disinterested.
Most men are coming from a very confused place, especially men online because they really do meet a lot of women who don’t know how to say what they want.
So men have no clue.
They’re just stumbling along trying to figure out what women want. You help them by saying what you like & what you don’t like in such a way as to preserve (even boost) their masculinity. It’s okay to let him know that you feel shy of long distance communications because (insert reason here), and, while it would feel lovely to get to know him, you’re not really one to spend a lot of time messaging or on the phone. You feel better with face to face.
This way he knows what you want & need. He may very well take himself out of the running then. The main thing is, you were able to express yourself in a gentle, feminine, masculine-preserving way. And both parties walk away feeling good.
It’s important to not shut down with guys you’re not particularly interested in. This is one of the biggest lessons my clients learn! You don’t want to get into a “shut down” pattern where it’s your default whenever you feel hurt or slighted or angry. You’ll go straight into that pattern with the guys you DO like, with the guy you find yourself in a relationship with and with the guy you say “I do” to. It will cause you lots of problems & grief in your relationship.
You want to establish a pattern now of expressing your feelings in the midst of wanting to shut down, so your relationship can thrive.
The funny thing about the Universe is it wants to help you get out of your negative patterns. That’s why men who trigger you keep showing up. You get to practice changing your patterns on them. As long as you keep doing the same thing, like shutting down, they’ll keep coming – with different faces, different clothes – but essentially the same man who pushes your buttons.
As soon as you start handling these guys differently, in a way that’s healthy for both of you, they’ll start to disappear (because you learned the lesson!).
So how might my client’s conversation have gone better? She could’ve remained open, even when feeling turned off, and expressed her honest feelings, like this:
Her: It would feel really nice to get to know you and I feel a little unsure. The distance bothers me.
This opens up communication where she can really get a true feel for what this man is like. I encouraged her to at least be open to a phone conversation & take it from there. Chances are this isn’t the love of her life, he’s most likely a practice-guy (one of the ones the Universe sends along to help you heal the stuff inside you & establish healthier patterns). If nothing else, he’s helping you get where you want to be. He’s like the taxi that takes you to the cruise ship!
Keep Yourself Open & In Your Feminine Vibe Even When You’re Totally Disinterested
Give Him Credit
He can take care of his own feelings. So be honest with him by telling him you’re not really having romantic feelings for him AND still stay open to receiving from him. He may want to keep in touch, take you out still. That’s okay, as long as it’s on your terms & you’re being honest with him every step of the way.
Third Time’s The Charm
Believe it or not, romance isn’t always instantaneous. Sometimes it sneaks up on you in a slow, lovely way. I’ve known many women who weren’t attracted to their husbands when they first met. Give it 3 dates before you decide. The first two, he’s usually pretty nervous & may not present his best side.
Wear Rose-Colored Glasses
As with my client, many women automatically assume men are coming from an insincere place or they have an agenda. While this is sometimes true, the majority of men are decent & sincere. Don’t project past hurts onto present men. What you believe you receive. So, if you walk around assuming men are out to get you, you’ll encounter those types of men. Believe that men are coming from a good place. You can put a positive or negative spin on anything a man says. Go for the positive. If nothing else, it just feels so much better & it helps you keep your heart open AND your open is your best guide for knowing if a man is truly sincere or not.
Next time a man comes into your life who causes you to want to shut-down, stop and do this:
- Take a deep breath
- Place your hand over your heart
- Visualize your heart being wide open with white light shining from it
- Picture the man
- Assume he is sincere
- Respond to him with your deep, honest emotions (even if it’s to say, hey I’m not sure I trust you!)
This simple exercise will help you get in touch with how you really feel and will help you express that to any man. You’ll be amazed how much this will change your interactions with all men for the better.
Let me know how you normally respond to men you’re not interested in & if this exercise opens new doors for you.
Is there a special guy you have set your sights on, but you don’t know how to get him? Do you wish you knew what to do to make him yours? Claire Casey’s Capture His Heart is exactly what you need. For a step-by-step guide to wrapping that man around your finger… CLICK HERE!