Emotional unavailability has gotten a bad rap. How often have you heard a friend say that the man she is dating is emotionally unavailable?
Where does it come from? Why does it happen?
Emotional unavailability is a symptom rather than a cause. It is an unconscious emotional response to trauma or emotional shock. It could occur during childhood molestation, or in an abusive relationship. Emotional unavailability is your unconscious mind protecting you to help you through a situation or relationship(s).
If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, you are unavailable emotionally as well. This is one of the biggest denials that we have as humans. So easy to spot in others, yet very difficult to see it in ourselves. Don’t shoot the messenger. I understand how difficult it is to accept in ourselves. We project our issues onto our partners and then see ourselves as perfect. If you continue to look for “the perfect partner” and have yet to find him, it is likely you are emotionally unavailable.
The person who is emotionally unavailable cannot meet your emotional or physical needs and they may put you in harm’s way. They can use emotion as a weapon and often become an abuser themselves.
Below are movies which describe your warning signs to help you spot emotional unavailability whether it is in you or someone else.
1. Fast and The Furious in the Beginning, Turning to Without a Trace
The first month feels amazing, he might even talk about having babies with you, or marriage in the not-too-distant future. Then whammo! You don’t hear from him. No calls, no texts they might disappear leaving you wondering what you did or said (you didn’t).
2. An Inconsistent Truth
Their actions don’t match their words. They don’t do what they say. They would never win a tennis match as they lack a good follow-through.
They avoid clear communication using subterfuge, avoidance, and even anger to avoid speaking the truth clearly.
Try to have a deep meaningful discussion with someone who is emotionally unavailable. They will duck, dash and dance their way out of it.
5. I Believe I Can Fly
Most men who are emotionally unavailable are adrenaline junkies. They might bike, ski, white water raft, skydive, mountain bike or perform any other manner of extreme sports to feel something.
6. Eyes Wide Shut
Most people with emotional unavailability keep their eyes closed during sex. They might even be completely disconnected from the sex act, leaving you feeling completely alone and isolated. You may hope that deeper intimacy will result, but it won’t because they aren’t capable.
7. Cold Heart
Remember the first couple of weeks when things were so hot and heavy and he was talking about a future with you? Gone! Their cold heart will leave you wondering if you were dating Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde because you were.
8. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde
Inauthentic, inconsistent with that fake it till I leave attitude.
9. Days of Wine and Roses
Sounds lovely, but ends in pain. Often alcoholism, drug abuse, and other addictions are part of the cover-up.
Nicholas Cage had an excuse in this movie. His daughter was abducted, but your guy doesn’t have one. He uses anger to misdirect and avoid anything he doesn’t want to deal with or be truthful about.
Emotionally unavailable people can be helped. Like any addiction, denial plays a large part and prevents us from seeing the truth. No one wants to be emotionally unavailable. It is a coping mechanism that served them well as a child.
Learning to trust ourselves, learning to feel completely comfortable in our own skin and healing the past trauma is what is needed for someone to be able to completely open their hearts and allow you in. A compassionate and no-nonsense coach can help you overcome this affliction that will stand in your way of a healthy relationship.