We women are ingenious. Our creativity is so endless, we can even make new life in our bodies.
When we’re off-balance, we destroy or create drama. But when we’re ON, we constantly improve anything and anyone around us.
As an intuitive healer, I’ve coached thousands of women, and have discovered there’s an art to getting a man to change. It is possible, but most women have NO idea how to do it effectively.
Have you made any of the following mistakes?
- Coaching your man, giving him advice
- Nurturing or mothering him
- Judging and criticizing while tolerating an unhealthy situation
- Repeating your story about his ineffectiveness to your friends
I’ve done all of the above, and learned to do it differently. And I can say proudly that the last several men I’ve been with have changed for the better!
Here’s why these habits don’t work, and what to do instead:
Even if you know better, he needs to feel like changing is his idea. Instead of telling him what to do, inspire him to do it!
One of my favorite techniques is the “sandwich method.” Compliment him, ask for something you’d like improved upon, then compliment/ encourage him again. For example, “You are one of the most conscious men I know. When you did X, I felt sad/ hurt/ angry and it didn’t seem like you. I know your intentions are good and I’m sure we’ll find a way that works better.”
This approach opens the door to his ideas for improvement, and the compliments take him “off guard.” Try it; it has worked well for me and many clients!
Nurturing or Mothering
I know, your nature is to nurture. You can still “be yourself” by redirecting this tendency. You can nurture your children, your friends, your garden or tonight’s meal. The very best person to nurture is yourself.
It’s counter-intuitive, but your self-care will inspire him to care for you. And studies show that “mothering” your lover will depolarize him. Don’t go there!
Judging and Criticizing
Remember, you want to disarm and encourage him by finding something genuine to appreciate about him. Your criticism will only make him defensive; it may even cause him to lash out.
And judging him while tolerating an unhealthy situation is the definition of crazy. Is that how you want to use your creativity? Many of us learned this victim-mentality from our mothers, since women in past generations were taught not to speak up. It’s time for a new way.
Repeating Your Story
When my daughter was first born, my husband struggled to work and earn money, which understandably caused us a lot of stress. To cope, I would share my story with friends until one day, I heard myself and “got it.”
I was only perpetuating the situation by telling this story. Our words are powerful, and the last thing I wanted was our entire community to think my husband was irresponsible or incapable.
The truth was he was both responsible and capable, he just had some “stuff” to work out before he could show up that way. My challenge was to help him show up without teaching or mothering him.
So I stopped talking about it, and instead started meditating and visualizing a new outcome. I set boundaries and asked him to do more childcare, etc., so I could work more. Now, he does more childcare AND makes more money in less time, and our relationship and family life has improved in so many ways!
Because we’re so powerful as women, we can shift our reality quite easily. Our culture encourages us to use our masculine will, and old feminine programming says we’re helpless. There is a better option.
When we love ourselves, visualize the best and shift how we feel, we inspire changes that require few words or actions. It’s about knowing we are powerful from the inside out, and using our words more wisely.
Men actually want to change and impress us. Give yours that opportunity. 🙂