You are swiping right and come across someone you know isn’t single. What would you do if you discovered a friend’s man on an online dating site? Read on as Felicity gives some scoop on the topic.
Hey Felicity, I really need some advice. I’m single and recently joined an online dating app. I was spending some time swiping right when I came across someone I instantly recognized: my friend’s husband. She and I aren’t exactly besties but we do have a ton of mutual friends. I checked her social media and they definitely appear to be very married (and quite happy). It’s weighing on my heart that he is cheating on her and that he’s also lying to women he’s meeting saying he’s single. I want to blow the whistle but I don’t know if I should. Advice?
Seeing someone you already know on a dating site is surprisingly common. In fact, I warn anyone new to meeting people online that you WILL see people you know. And, likely, people you thought were in a relationship.
It’s an unsettling discovery, no doubt.
And you immediately feel complicit in some sort of dark secret if you don’t say anything. Because most of us claim that we would ABSOLUTELY want to know if our husband was sniffing around online for other women, right?
So before we jump to the absolute worst conclusion (that he’s a lying, philandering scumbag), let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment.
Despite appearances, they might be in the middle of a breakup.
Not everyone announces a separation on Facebook the moment it happens. You mention that you are more acquaintance-level friends with the wife so it’s absolutely within reason to think you wouldn’t be in the know about a split.
For all you know, they are “consciously uncoupling” and she’s seeking solace in the arms of someone new just like he could be.
They might have an open relationship.
As strange as this concept may sound to a lot of you, this arrangement is surprisingly more common than you might expect.
Many couples have clearly defined boundaries around their marriage and their sexual activities. Engaging in swapping, threesomes, or the practice of cuckolding could be huge turn-ons. Or perhaps there is genuine love in the marriage yet mismatched libidos and a mutual agreement has been reached regarding enjoying other partners.
In any case, there is an absolute possibility that the wife is completely on board with his online activity.
It could be harmless flirting.
This gets into slightly more gray area here but the husband might use the online dating sites for an ego boost or to rev up his fantasy engine. Getting swiped right makes him feel good and maybe he never takes it further than that.
Now, for a lot of women, their guy secretly engaging with strange women online under the guise of being single would be problematic. I can practically hear the cries of “HELL TO THE NAW” on this one. Yet, you don’t know if the wife might be in the know about his activity and trusts he isn’t actually meeting (or sleeping with) these other women.
Receiving attention from other women could be something they both enjoy in their sex life.
The big question: Do you say anything?
You’ve already admitted you don’t know this couple very well. And hopefully after considering some reasons he’s online outside of being a lying, philandering scumbag, you might realize this is totally nunya business. And you no longer feel like you are burdened with a horrible secret.
However, that niggling suspicion of is he cheating or isn’t he could still be weighing on your heart.
If you ABSOLUTELY need to know, first think about your intentions for a hot second.
Is your need to know truly altruistic and wanting to prevent your acquaintance from possible heartbreak (or a nasty STD)?
Or is your need to know about your own personal curiosity?
If it’s the latter, my advice is to really try and put it out of your mind. You don’t know what’s going on with this couple and again, it’s not your place to be nosing in on their relationship.
After doing that reflection, if you STILL feel like you can’t move on without knowing the truth, my advice would be to ask a mutual friend you trust. Someone who is closer to the couple than you are and who you know can keep this information in strict confidence.
Let her know you’ve discovered something unsettling and you don’t want to jump to the worst possible conclusion. And simply tell her you came across his online dating profile and you aren’t sure what to do with that information.
And then cross your fingers and hope your mutual friend can give a solid answer beside him being a lying, philandering scumbag.
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