Question: Allana, I am a 54 year old divorcee and I just met a very nice man that is going through a divorce. Having gone through this already, I know what he is experiencing which makes me concerned.
I don’t want to be his comfort through this hard time and once he has healed, I am a reminder of one of the worst moments of his life. I can always be optimistic and he can view me as the one good thing but I don’t want to fall for him and get my heartbroken. Please advise me on what I should do next.
Answer: Wow, what a sensational question. Let’s break it down my love. First and foremost, I honestly don’t think it’s healthy to be dating when you’re going through a divorce Period. It’s a time of grieving, learning, getting counseling/coaching… not a time to avoid the pain and growth with the bandaid of the honeymoon stage of a new lover, however MANY people, both men and women do JUST this!
Then they call me complaining that they were treated like the rebound relationship then dumped for someone ‘serious’. Or like you mention, they associate you with pain, suffering and treat you more like a therapist with negative associations of the divorce, then look for fresh energy and eave you.
While more rare, I’ve also heard of situations where the divorce takes like 8 years, or they were separated for years and years and are really just going through paperwork… where these people had actually healed, grieved and were ready for long term love. I’ve also had clients who were coaching WITH ME during the divorce and not necessarily looking for a relationship, yet were in such a good place, having grieved, having learned the lessons, clear on what didn’t work before that they met a wonderfully compatible partner that they’re still with today.
So now the question comes down to you, your intuition, your knowing, your truth. Of course optimistic is good… but not pollyanna fantasy… really GET REAL my courageous sister!
- Is this man on the rebound?
- Is he not bold enough to sit in the fire and do his work and avoiding his growth by hanging with you?
- Do you trust he’s fully present grounded and capable of healthy love now?
And ask questions of you as well my love.
- Are you in a healthy place?
- Are you lonely and unwilling to see red flags?
- Are you willing to settle just for attention?
- Are you slipping into mentor/counsellor/savior rather than staying in lover/goddess?
- Are you confident and connected to your intuition able to trust what you know?
- Are you centered and able to keep your heart open, able to have straight honest vulnerable conversations with him about your concerns or truths?
Somewhere inside of each of us we know.
We know if something feels light, good, true, a contribution, a gift that makes our life even better… or not. It’s either a hell yes, or a no. Yet many of us are unwilling to hear what we know because then we’d have to face being alone… and most people are not at peace in their aloneness… most people aren’t at peace in their body, with their emotions. Most people don’t ultimately trust the Universe has their back so they doubt themselves, spin in their head and settled for less than their dreams, and complain about others or speak degradingly about themselves.
So ultimately glorious woman, I recommend that what you do next is ask yourself the tough questions.
And if you feel GREAT about being with him, regardless of where he’s at in his divorce because he’s grounded, noble and ready for deep love now… then go for it! And if you have authentic reservations about his readiness or your readiness… then do the work until you’ve both ready. Don’t set yourself up to be used if you know that he’s just avoiding the deep work he needs to do. Don’t just be with him because you’re not able to sit in your own aloneness and make a choice based on truth not on fear or loneliness, yes?
Perhaps there’s a Little You inside that needs to be consoled. Perhaps you need to have an honest conversation with this gentleman and learn to navigate intense emotions while you talk about what really matters. I have a complimentary workshop coming up that will teach you 3 core capacities required to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners who end up breaking your heart. You can sign up at www.AllanaPratt.com/soul-shaking.
If you’d like private one on one support to fully heal heartbreak and develop the capacities to attract, keep and grown a long term soul-shaking conscious relationship, you can apply for a complimentary session at www.AllanaPratt.com/connect. The deeper the roots (the inner work) the higher the shoots (success in relationship xox). It’s my pleasure to facilitate you getting there, great love, Allana xoxo