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Maybe you’ve been playing the field but you’re ready to focus your attention on one guy. Or what if the two of you are “friends with benefits” and now you want more? Is there a reliable way to change the temperature in your relationship from “huh?” to “huh-huh-hot”?

Hi, Claire – I’ve been casually seeing this guy at work for about 5 months, we are good friends and we get along really well, but now it seems I am having trouble getting him to commit to me.

He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t usually date or go out with girls all the time, and after a couple of talks he has confirmed that he hasn’t been sleeping with anyone else other than me, and I haven’t either, but I have been out on a couple of dates.

Basically I want to know how I can get him to take this relationship a bit further than what it is. I’m not saying that I wanna get married tomorrow, but I do like to be in a exclusive status with him, like boyfriend and girlfriend for now. ~  Vickie

Vickie – Here’s what I think is going on for you.

First of all, if he’s not going out with (or sleeping with) any other women, he IS “exclusive” with you. You’re seeing other guys, but he’s not seeing other women, which is a little weird, but it may be simply that he hasn’t been trying to see other women. If you want to make things clear, you should talk and agree together to date only each other, then do that. However…

A good question to ask yourself is this:

WHY do you want to be exclusive? You say you’re not interested in marriage any time soon. So why are you narrowing down the options? This doesn’t make a lot of sense.

From the way you described him, you two are probably “friends with benefits.” He sees you as a bootie call or sex buddy, so it may be that you want to be more than just someone he gets naked with and maybe hangs out with once in a while.

In that case, you need to do some thinking, clarify your goals, and amp up your game.

It’s hard to turn a friends with benefits into a deeper, more connected relationship, but it can be done if BOTH partners want it.

But you have work to do first…

1. Get clear on what, exactly, you want out of a romantic relationship.

I’m not a fan of serial dating (dating only one guy at a time), but if that’s what you want for yourself and from any guy you’re with, you need to make it clear to him as soon as you can. Just don’t expect anything from a man that you’re not also willing to do.

Likewise, if you’d like to date freely without any thought of marriage or commitment, it’s helpful in your relationships to know that and share it with your partner. If you want to get married in three (or four, or eight) years, that’s also good to know when you’re making dating decisions.

My point is that you can’t make good relationship decisions unless you know what you want.

2. Communicate with your man.

Vickie, your guy probably has NO idea you want more than just casual sex. You haven’t wanted that before now, and in fact, you’re dating other guys. So it’s up to you to find a way to share what you’ve been thinking about and what you’re aiming for.

3. Decide how long you’ll date someone before you determine whether he will/won’t work out in the long term.

If you plan to “settle down” three years from now, then there’s no reason to be dating a guy who is committed to playing the field for the next ten years, right? And if you’re dating a guy who is only interested in casual sex when you want a powerful, committed relationship, you’ll need to be ready to move on if that’s not something he also wants.

You need to have a timeline in your head for that, otherwise you may end up waiting indefinitely on him, and missing out on other great opportunities.

How Liza aced this transition…

My friend Liza wanted Kyle to get more serious about her and she was willing to roll the dice and walk away if she lost her gamble. So she invited him out to eat at a fancy restaurant, her treat. During dinner she was her most beautiful, sexy, radiant self, and she casually named some of the sincere reasons she really liked Kyle and thought they were great together. Then, during after-dinner Irish coffees, she made her move.

“I’ve been toying with the idea of transferring to the Florida office,” she told him. “I like it here okay, but I’m not sure I see much future for myself here. I would love to live near the ocean. Plus maybe I’ll learn to surf…”

His first reaction was surprise. They had not been exclusive, but he immediately thought she was leaving him, and he asked her straight out about it. “What about us?” he asked her. “I thought we had something pretty special.”

Liza played it cool. “Do we?” she asked, smiling over her coffee.

And all of a sudden they were having THAT conversation!

This ploy could totally backfire on you, but in Liza’s case, she had nothing to lose. They were friends with benefits, nothing more. But once she made it clear she was ready to move on, he wanted to shift gears with her rather than be left behind.

Vickie, you could do this too, if you wanted to. My best to you no matter what you decide!

xoxo Claire

Do you have a hard time finding a man who will commit to you? Do you want a real relationship but don’t know how to make the man in your life want the same? Check out to learn how to make a man beg to be with you and only you. 

Claire Casey

Claire Casey devotes her writing to empower women; to help you attract the kind of man who will treasure your heart like the rare gem it is.

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What Do You Think?

5 Comments | Join the discussion

  • marta Sep 20, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I am from PR and my 1st language is Spanish. I apologize for errors. My bf is a freak on timeliness; I am not, but struggle to be on time for him. I respect other people’s time. We only see each other on weekends and do not have sex. My beliefs.(I am 62 and he is 63. on a rare occasion like yesterday he said I needed to go where he was to fix my phone and understood I would be there immediately. I needed to finish something for my job and bathe to get ready. I had no phone to let him know how much it would take me. He waited 1 1/2 hours. When I got there he did not say hello, just that he was about to leave. I said I would give him some time to cool off but then he left. I called from that office and he came back. I came out to talk to him but he burst into anger and left even though I asked him not to. He said he was leaving and that it would take me 3 hours to finish. When I did finish my turn to fix the phone in about an hour, he was there, but did not apologize for his treatment towards me. We walked to my car as he asked if my phone was fixed but nothing more. I was hurt and I said good night and he left. Later I read an email where he said I was lucky because there was a traffic jam and decided to come back. Then he called and I did not answer. He then sent an email saying he was going back to that place because he had “seen” in my eyes that I needed to say something and he did not pay attention. I did not answer it I was already home. I do not know if we should split and never again talk to him or ask for an apology before I take that route. Usually I am the one calling or writing during the week and he never wants to make plans “because he never knows what he is doing until the last minute, which is not true because he is retired and irons his clothes every day and could call me at least when he decides what to wear. I work full time as a college professor- 2 years to retire.

    • spark girl   marta Mar 9, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      @ marta: sounds like “he is NOT into you coz you have to do the calling, never wants to make plans”, please watch the movie. If you give-in with this type of man that gonna treat you like “floor mat” at your age you will have lots of diseases girlfriend!!! fix yourself, hire a life coach, love yourself, you deserve better… at the mean time erased this man from your mind, body and soul. All the best <3 yourself… pray to love yourself because God loves YOU.

    • VeePower87   marta Nov 26, 2014 at 11:50 pm

      I am also going through a similar situation and I am unsure of what to make of things. There is this guy I would casually run into at work, he would make passes at me almost every time we would into each other. We exchanged numbers and would text from time to time but it quickly faded (I’ll admit it was my fault, I was unsure of his true intentions and per my usual I just decided to not Persue it so that I can avoid getting hurt or feeling stupid if it didn’t work out later). Well fast forward a few moths ahead to mid Jan 2014, I had not ran into this guy for a couple months and i suddenly got the urge to text him to hang out. We ended up hanging out at his house that night, watched a little TV before having sex. From then on it became a regular thing. I would go to his house usually at night because according to him he said was busy either at work, or caring for his kids. At first I really didn’t care to think much of it, I was content with just going over to get laid and go on with my day. Eventually I found myself taking him soup when he was sick, I would do his laundry from time to time, I even set up his apartment with an Internet provider under my name. I started to notice I was having feelings for him and wanted more than what became the usual routine of going to his house at night, have sex, sleep, wake up and go back to my place to get ready for my day. I didn’t know how to make the transition from ‘booty call’ into a more emotionally connected/commited relationship. The best I could think of doing was dropping settle hints here and there to let him know I wanted more than just a sexual relationship (I know, not the smartest thing to do)
      In September I moved 2 hours away hoping to find a decent job closer to my family. I was kind of expecting for him to ask about ‘us’ but all I got was, ‘I’m gonna have to make time to go see you’. That never happened. I was away for two months and during that time I saw him twice and that was because I had come into town. I ended up moving back into the city because I couldn’t find a decent job to keep me afloat. So now it has been eleven months I’ve spent time and several nights with and I have no clue what to do.
      I’m not trying to pay the Victim here either because I am not even close to being perfect. During this whole time I was unsure of what our official status was and well quite honestly I was afraid to ask. Assuming he was doing the same thing I would flirt with other guys and girls (oh yea I’m bi btw lol) I would give out my number occasionally, and even go out on dates. I never told him about any of that, he never asked and vice versa.

      Slowly I began to lessen the people I would flirt with, stoped going out on dates, even giving out my number because I’m starting to feel guilty.
      I need some advice, what the heck should I do

      • Kasey   VeePower87 Jun 3, 2015 at 5:22 am

        @veepower87 – I hope you stopped messing with that guy. He may have been someone that you can have fun with, but if he hasn’t trued being with you after almost a year- then I would move on. Women are emotional creatures and we need to know that our relationship is going somewhere. He’s just using you to meet his needs. I say make him be lonely and realize what he’s giving up, while you find someone that deserves you

  • Diana Sep 20, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Love your writings and purpose you are very inspiring. I am in your “capture His heart” journey! Thanks for your empowerment! Yes and amen! 🙂


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