He says he’s not interested in dating because he’s “working on his career” but then immediately suggests a booty call. What’s up with that? Check out what Felicity has to say.
Hey Felicity – I need your help. There is this guy I’ve gone on a few dates with over the last two months. Conversation is decent and our goodnight kisses have been pretty sizzling. Things with us have not felt like they were on a serious track toward a relationship – which is fine, I’m just enjoying dating again after getting divorced last year.
Anyhow, out of the blue, he texts me that he’s taking a break from dating because he’s up for a big promotion at work and needs to focus. So he cancelled our casual plans for drinks next week. I’ll admit I was a little disappointed yet I was definitely pleased he proactively let me know the situation. I texted him “Thanks for letting me know. Best wishes on your promotion!”
A few minutes later, he pings me back with ‘I will miss those goodnight kisses from you. I’m alone right now and would sure enjoy some company. Want to come over?’
I am totally confused. In one message he says he doesn’t have time for dating and the next he invites me over to his place. And we’ve never had sex so why would he even suggest this? What is that about and how would you have responded?”
Ah, yes the ol’ “I don’t want a relationship but I will hook up with you” approach. Well, I can understand why you’d be confused by his texts. But really, I think he’s actually being pretty dang clear about what he wants.
Let’s break it down…
He Let You Know He’s Not Up for a Relationship Right Now
There may or may not be a big promotion on the horizon. However, what he IS telling you is that he does not want to pursue a relationship with YOU right now.
Yeah, that may seem harsh but it’s the 411 he’s giving you. Accept it as the golden piece of info that it is. Because the alternative is that he could lead you on thinking he’s considering a future with you.
He Gave You Advance Notice to Cancel Plans
Okay, one point for decency to the guy. He didn’t stand you up or “forget” you had plans. Whether his advance notice is genuine or not is debatable but he doesn’t want you to think of him as a total jerk.
So many guys just ghost and go MIA once they’ve decided they don’t want to date someone. It’s commendable that he respects your time enough to remember to cancel ahead of time.
Now we get to what confused you…
He Asked for a Booty Call
This flies in the face of what he’s told you about not having time to date currently, right? Well, not really.
He is testing the waters to see if you are up for casual sex. This may seem presumptuous on his part but he is being perfectly clear about his limits here.
No to dating, no to a relationship, but yes to no-strings sex.
Why Would He Do This?
He is attracted to you yet doesn’t want a relationship with you. He wants to see if you’re willing to be his sexy-time partner without him putting in the effort toward dating and/or an eventual relationship.
And remember the whole “no time for dating because of work” thing could just be a story he’s telling you to get you off the relationship track. Because there are still lots of men out there who still think every woman they date is only after a relationship.
While this convo seemed full of mixed messages, when you break it down, the info he’s giving is actually crystal clear. What you do with this information is up to you.
If I were you? If you are looking for a relationship, he’s already told you he isn’t interested. And if you value monogamy, he’s told you he likely doesn’t.
Now, if the idea of a roll in the hay with no strings attached sounds good, go for it (and be safe)! Just be very realistic with yourself that you are NOT going to magically change his mind into wanting to date you. He has set forth his rules of engagement, you either accept them at face value or walk away.
Bottom line: Be honest with your intentions and what you want out of the situation. If you want more than what he’s offering… NEXT!