When I was in high school, I lamented how all the girls only wanted to date jerks. They never even gave “nice guys” like me a chance!
If a guy was a troubled bad boy, he was swimming in women. On the other hand, my friends and I, with our good grades and clean disciplinary records, struggled to leave the house on a Saturday night.
I see a lot of this sentiment on social media these days out of many guys: they complain that women only want to date the jerks or bad boys, while rejecting “nice guys” like themselves.
Since I was a “nice guy” type previously, allow me to translate what this all this talk really means:
“Women I want to date don’t find me attractive. Since I’m polite, nice, and stable in life, I feel like I deserve a date with women I find attractive. When they decide to date someone who is attractive to them, I disapprove of, I get upset. They need to date me.”
That last sentence is the kicker for most “nice guys.” They try to “do the right thing” and find themselves single. And, after years of trying to do what’s right, only to find it’s not appreciated by women, they get frustrated.
But, as sad as it might be, being nice isn’t going to get any guy a date. So, if you are a “nice guy” or know someone who is, this article is for you. It explains why simply being a “nice guy” won’t get you a date.
They Don’t Understand Attraction
When I was in university, I was super sexy. Let me tell you how: I turned my homework in on time, studied diligently at the library, showed up to class on time, was respectful to professors, and said “please and thank you” in social interactions. Turned on yet?
Obviously, the previous paragraph was a joke, at least the “sexy” part. What I typed above is good, friendly, pleasant, and positive. It’s something that a good university student should do. However, it’s hardly the stuff of romance novels, especially if that is literally all I have to claim as my selling point in dating me.
Yet, I assumed those traits made me attractive to women. And, many guys assume that simply being nice, polite, and stable makes them a huge catch. While it’s true that women want guys with those traits, they are, in and of themselves not sexy.
“Nice” is “Attraction Neutral”
I’m sure many women at my university wanted the traits I had in a guy. After all, no woman at university wants to date a guy who is going to fail and go nowhere in life. However, they wanted those traits in a guy who was actually attractive to them.
I like to give “nice guys” the following scenario. A woman bakes them cookies, cleans up after them, supports them in their endeavors, helps them when needed, and is always there for them emotionally. This woman is obviously very “nice.” Yet, she’s 90 years old and 400 pounds.
Are these guys sexually attracted to her? Nope. Niceness is a great trait and it’s one that I wish more people had. But, as the previous example shows, it’s attraction neutral. Just as no guy would suddenly find an unattractive woman “hot” because she’s nice, women aren’t going to go for overall unattractive guys just because they are nice.
Most women do want a good, caring guy who treats them right. But, they want an attractive guy first. And, they’re willing to put up with flaws from an attractive guy instead of going for an unattractive guy who seems to have his life on the ideal path.
“Nice” Isn’t Always What Women Want
When I finally got a date in university, it was with a woman who took most of the initiative. I was acting like a gentleman, of course, not wanting to move too fast, holding back sexually, and so on. After a couple of dates, she asked me why I was so timid. A couple of dates later, she told me we should just be friends and started hanging out with another guy.
Women are sexual beings. And, a lot of women have sexual preferences and desires that require the man to take a dominant role in the relationship. This can be anywhere from general assertiveness to sexually dominant.
The vast majority of women want, at the very least, a guy who takes an assertive lead in and outside of the bedroom. Don’t believe me? Google the best selling book for women.
As a cordial, polite, “nice guy” type who always acted like a gentleman (i.e. non-sexual), women didn’t even want what I was offering. They wanted someone with edge, adventure, and assertiveness. They didn’t sexually desire a “goody two shoes” who made them feeling nothing.
So, women definitely want a guy to treat them right who is also perceived as excellent, genuine, authentic, and caring. But, being “nice” in the sense of polite, accommodating, and agreeable, is really far down the list…and not even on it at all in many cases.
What To Do If You’re A Nice Guy
First of all, stay nice in the sense of being a good, cool person. The world doesn’t need more jerks or good guys trying to be jerks to score women. That guy is inauthentic and women know what he’s trying to do.
Second, work on being attractive to women. Have accomplishments and power. From that, derive confidence and project it to the world. Be adventurous and live a little. Develop assertiveness skills and be funny and charming with women. Lift weights and get in better shape if you’re soft and overweight.
Above all, be a man. This isn’t about becoming a stereotype. Just channel your inner masculinity.
Finally, discard your unattractive traits like whininess, neediness, and desperation. Above all, quit whining on social media about how women hate nice guys and only date jerks. It just makes you look weak, jealous, and petty.
So, while “nice guys” finish last in dating, attractive guys don’t. Be a good, authentic, and yes, even nice guy. But, above all, be attractive. Then, you’ll finish first and find the woman of your dreams.