I have a lovely, gorgeous client named Ricky. Ricky has been coping with heart break the last few weeks.
Through our private coaching sessions, she realized that she had major self-esteem issues, and that is why she deliberately chooses men who would punish her in some way and make her feel awful.
She started to see how these men were nothing but “Ricky´s mirrors.”
They were just confirming what Ricky already believed about herself to be true – “I am not good enough. I am not worthy enough.”
Each time we do positive affirmations in our private sessions (for instance: “I AM worthy of love and happiness”), her fear comes up and tells her it is not true…
In fact, it shows up most majorly when Ricky wants to dress well and feel attractive out in the world of dating. Every time Ricky puts on a pretty dress and some make up and wants to “shine her light” out in the world, her inner voice of fear tells her:
“Who are you to be shining so bright? Stop trying to get people’s attention!” or worse still, “Dress all you want. You will still attract losers and unavailable men only.”
As you can imagine, Ricky is struggling to even believe that she is worthy of the good stuff – of looking and feeling beautiful, of dressing up like her best self, of being adored by a solid man that is out there and waiting to meet only HER, his dream girl.
And I can relate to Ricky’s challenges. Her fear is forcing her to stay small.
And if all her life she has grown up believing she isn’t good enough, it’s hard for 2 coaching sessions to change that.
However, what really matters is that Ricky is doing this work, that she wants the good stuff for herself, and that she is trying her best to turn it around for herself.
Here’s what I would recommend Ricky to do. This will also help you, if in any part of your life (dating, relationships, even work!) you are feeling stunted by your own fears and cannot deal with these nasty voices when they come up for you.
Step 1: Stop Whatever You Are Doing!
When your fear comes up and your nasty voices start to chatter again – stop doing whatever you are doing in the moment.
Pull your car to the side of the road if you are driving, stop working on the computer if you must, stop and turn off the gas if you are cooking.
This is serious business. I mean it – just STOP right there, in that moment! No postponing this stuff.
Step 2: Feel The Fear!
Track your body sensations and feel, really feel, the fear. Feel where it is residing in your body right now.
Cry if you must. It’s a GREAT release!
Don’t stuff down any of that yuck you feel. I want you to feel the anxiety, feel that sinking feeling in your belly, that heaviness in your chest, in your jaw… wherever the tension resides for you.
Step 3: Breathe Love Into It!
Felt your fear fully and completely? Great!
Now just breathe love into it.
Take 5 slow, deep, controlled breaths, and each time you inhale, say: “I love you, my fear”, and each time you exhale, say: “But I am in charge of my own life here.”
Say these words with personal authority to yourself, till you really begin to believe what you are saying…
All our lives, we run away from our fears, and so many of us stay in the same “low life equilibrium” that starts to feel like our comfort zone to us.
Not shining bright, in Ricky’s case, feels “safe” to her fear buttons… and she can stay stuck there for years on end, unless she becomes aware and decides to intentionally break this negative cycle.
The bottom line, then, about dealing with fear is this:
When we run away from fear, it runs us instead… However, when we can face it, embrace it, AND claim our power back from it, it loosens its hold on us…
Step 4: Go Do What Makes You Happy (Easy!)
Looked your fear in the eye? Awesome!
Now go do something that makes you happy, especially that one thing which your fear had so far not given you permission to do.
You can even create a list of stuff you want to do, call it your “Happy Challenge List”, and pick up something from it and just DO IT!
In Ricky’s case, she should do this exercise before she puts on a nice dress and looks like a diva! This exercise will also help her FEEL like a diva.
Ricky, do this as many times during the day as you need to, until you can feel your anxiety and still not act on it, or act from it.
Ricky, you are on a great path of healing and attracting a great man into your life, even though these fears temporarily overtake you.
We all have fears. Some of us have just learnt to handle them better than the others.
And this is where I want you to get Ricky, where I want to get all of my clients to…
Where you can feel your fear and still carry on, on your path… the path that you want for yourself…
The fear will never go away completely. But it doesn’t have to run your life.
Once you get this, you will have mastered your fears and you can finally shine your light into the world freely.