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There are a lot of do’s and dont’s when it comes to dating. Some are more important than others, like being honest and faithful. But there is one common mistake that people make that kills a relationship: becoming an option.

Relationship Excitement and Being His PriorityIn the beginning, when a guy is into a woman, he will go out of his way to get her. He will pursue her persistently. He will call, text, and try to spend as much time with her as he can. He will do his best to impress her and make her want him. He will act like he is the luckiest man in the world to be with her.

For the woman, life is great. It’s an amazing thing for a woman to see herself through the eyes of a man who wants her. She gets her hopes up and eventually lets her guard down.And just when she thinks the relationship is taking off, the guy pulls back.


Because he knows that he got her. He doesn’t have to chase her anymore. She has made him a priority, so she has become an option. And the relationship begins its slow death.

For a relationship to be successful, each person involved needs to make the other a priority.

It’s impossible to be a happy couple when one person sees the other as a choice. I’ve been in a relationship where I was the choice, though I didn’t know it at the time. It didn’t end well, but I learned my lesson. Be a priority, not an option.

Women make excuses for men treating them like options all the time. It’s silly and exhausting. Instead of making excuses, we need to look at the big picture, read the signals, realize we deserve more, and get out.

Here are a few signs that you have become an option in a relationship instead of a priority:

He’s Become Distant

He used to text you every morning or every night like clockwork. Now, not so much. Now, your conversations are few and far between and not nearly as happy and fun as they used to be. He stops asking about your day. He stops flirting with you. If you don’t initiate the conversation, you could go days without speaking. He takes forever to respond or forgets to answer all together. He says he has been busy and he’s always in a crappy mood. However, you can’t help but notice that he still has time to keep up his presence on social media without complaining.

He Stopped Making Time For You

Unless you are in a long distance relationship, spending time together is important. If you often go more than a week without seeing the man you are dating, but he still manages to grab beers with his friends, you have become an option. Life gets hectic, but people make time for their priorities.

If you used to see each other often, but now face time is rare, something is wrong. If a guy wants to be with you, he will find a way to be with you. He will go out of his way even if it means only spending an hour with you – and not just to have sex. If he is not making an effort to see you, he doesn’t really care about seeing you.

You’ve Got A Bad Feeling

Relationship Issues Between a Couple Sitting on a SofaThis is the most important of the signs. It is so important to trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that something has changed, that something is off, then something is definitely wrong. There is nothing worse then feeling that pit in your stomach. It sucks to worry and wonder about where you stand in a relationship.

What do you do if and when these things happen?

There are a few things, but what’s more important is what you don’t do. Don’t complain or nag. That will only push him farther away and make you look and feel pathetic. Again, if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you.

So, if you’ve got a bad feeling, speak up. Ask him what the deal is. Make it clear that you aren’t cool with the way the relationship is going. The easiest way to understand what is going on and stop worrying, is to talk about it. If a guy cares about you and your feelings, he will stop doing things that upset or worry you. If having a conversation about what is bothering you doesn’t lead to any change, then you should move on because you aren’t a priority.

If he has become distant or stopped texting, you should become distant and stop texting. Stop reaching out to him and see what happens. If you feel like you are doing all of the work, stop trying to make plans and initiate conversations. Don’t coddle him or listen to him complain if he is giving you nothing in return.

Give him two weeks. Think of it as giving yourself two weeks notice and a guy the benefit of the doubt.  If he is into you, he will notice the shift in your behavior and try to compensate. He will try to fix things. He has two weeks to get his crap together, and if you don’t hear from him in that time, If he doesn’t reach out to you, well take it as a sign that you are no longer dating.

If he stops making time for you, find something else to do. You had a life before him. Don’t stop living it without him. Make plans and hang out with your friends. Start dating other people again. Don’t drop what you are doing whenever he calls. Show him that you have a life without him. If he doesn’t try to be more present, then you have your answer. You are not a priority.

Don’t play games. Don’t act like you don’t care when you do. Just stop putting in more effort than he is and see what happens. If he disappears, oh well. You’re better off getting rid of him now than spending another however many months being a choice. Everyone deserves better than that. Be a priority, not an option.

Christine Robb

Christine Robb is a freelance writer and the author of Bitch, You’re Just Not Approachable. How You Can Be THAT Girl.

She does not claim to be an expert and she doesn’t consider herself a guru. She’s just a normal single gal who drinks beer, eats bar food and lives in Manhattan, but she knows what she wants in life and love and won’t settle for anything less. She also knows how to be approachable.

While writing her first book, Christine decided to take some of her journals on single life, finding confidence, and dating in NYC and share them with the blogging community because some of her experiences are just too ridiculous not to share.

Check out her site to find a safe place for anyone struggling with confidence, self-esteem, self-image, and dating.

What Do You Think?

2 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Misty Oct 31, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    What if when you talk to him he puts forth the effort but then always reverts back? My boyfriend and I have been back and forth with this several times. When I bring it up to him he says well I have a lot to work on (within himself) but Im trying and then he will try really hard for a while but then it all just fades away again. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. He even says he doesn’t want us to break up and that we are going to get married someday. But how do I know that’s not all just a bunch of crap to keep me holding on?

  • Penny Oct 31, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Awesome article. Very helpful to my current situation.


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