History regularly repeats itself in our relationships, often in a negative way. We have to consciously make different choices for better outcomes.
Tony DiNozo of NCIS fame was dating a beautiful woman whom he cared for deeply. On their eleventh evening and still no sex she asked, “What are we doing Tony? Don’t you think it a little curious we have not taken this to the next level?” Tony replied with unusual vulnerability, “I don’t want to rush things. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what we’ve always got!”
Though impassioned one-night stands might be enjoyable, they have long since lost their appeal for me. I prefer making love with someone who can be completely present with me, make me tremble, and touch my soul rather than experience the soul-sucking emptiness of a one-night stand. For those of you looking for a lasting relationship it rarely happens when you have sex on the first date. The following is my story of how I created a sizzling relationship by not doing what I have done in the past.
I recently broke my vow of not participating in on-line dating. Allana Pratt’s e-mail recommending Meet Mindful arrived in my inbox, and I grudgingly filled out the profile. I had no intention of paying for a membership and wondered why I even bothered? I had about given up that I would find anyone on-line when I received a three-day free trial.
After sending several e-mails to men in my age range, with no response, I got the intuitive hit, I should broaden my horizons and look for someone much younger or even older than myself and farther afield than my local radius. When I did, I found one lovely meditating man who stood out above the rest but was nearly twenty years my junior. I sent him a message giving him my e-mail address. To my surprise, he responded with interest. Although he lived 140 miles away and almost a two-and-a-half hour drive, Santa Barbara was a location I frequented often. For more than three-quarters of the year, I visited the dog beach in Santa Barbara regularly. He seemed a good choice.
In the past, I had relationships that started out like a house-on-fire with passionate sex out-of-the-gate. I knew if I wanted a relationship to last I needed to slow down and get to know a partner well before ending up with my dress over my head. After an hour into our first date, I brought up the subject of the elephant in the room. He looked curious. I became completely vulnerable and asked him how he felt about our age difference? He said he was okay with it.
Perhaps it was my ability to become vulnerable so early; it seemed to set the tone for each rendezvous. My vulnerability allowed him to be vulnerable as well. He was able to share intimate details about his childhood which created an inroad to intimacy. There was no complaining about exes. We didn’t share a kiss till our third date and when we did it was sweet, gentle and mindful. I thought about his soft lips my entire ride home to the desert. On our fourth date, I cooked dinner, and we watched a movie while holding hands. Each touch was precious and mindful, rather than rushed, forced or inconsequential. We recognized the magic of each moment rather than glossing over and missing the fine points.
Five weeks after our first date we experienced static kissing. We slowly came together breathing in the scent of each other’s skin. Our lips experiencing the other, together we savored the soft touch, mouths remaining in stillness reveling in the intensity of the sensory experience. Holding each move till we couldn’t stand it any longer, breathless. The intensity of the experience building till we were both trembling. I have experienced wild sex that felt like a Cirque de Soleil trapeze extravaganza that didn’t hold a candle to our static kissing experience.
We spent our fist night together without sex, holding each other getting to know one another’s bodies. Experiencing the feather light touch along my thigh, breathing in the deliciousness of the moment. The pressure building and falling again and again without focusing on the result. We both knew orgasm wasn’t the goal. We each experienced the other’s touch mindfully making our kissing, and touching a meditation.
This experience of slowly getting to know one another has allowed a friendship to build that encompasses mutual respect.
Talking about our experiences, being completely transparent and vulnerable in the other’s presence. There are no walls, shields, masks or subterfuge.
Through this mindful dating practice, we have navigated the difficulties of distance. We both agree that the space between us causes us to remain grounded in our independence, maintaining our personal lives workouts and routines. Rather than allowing ourselves to become co-dependent, as we have in the past, our individual lives remain intact.
We are choosing differently, slowing down the pace, rather than rushing into a sexual relationship. We are authentic, vulnerable and completely present in the moment, making our relationship experience a moving meditation.
A sense of wonder, adventure, laughter, and connection has developed. An undercurrent of intense sexual tension makes this experience riveting. Neither of us has a crystal ball. We don’t know how long this will last or where it is going, but it certainly is exciting having a relationship with someone who can’t get enough of me, rather than dealing with intense feelings of regret, guilt or shame from a one-night stand and someone who never calls.