You’ve been on Match.com. You may even have tried E-Harmony. You’ve fished in the prolific pond of Plenty of Fish, and all you caught was some aglae and an old boot! You’ve even donned high heels and your sexiest best in the bar scene more than once. Why are you still single?
There is a litany of reasons why women remain single after years of casting their net. Maybe your net is too small. Or just maybe you don’t recognize when a man is interested in you. There is a slight chance that over time you have set rules for your suitors and most people just don’t get through the steel gate over your heart. There is also a possibility that you pass over great guys because you don’t recognize them.
Following are some suggested areas to hone your fishing skills to help you over the hump of singlehood.
Take Time to Look Your Best
You might be comfortable in your sweats and a ponytail on the weekends, but if you venture beyond your front door looking like your cleaning lady, you better think again! You are not giving yourself the opportunity to catch Mr. Right’s attention!
Make a point to look your best when you leave home. Take time to shower do your hair and makeup. You never know when the guy in front of you at the check out might comment on your surprising selection of fresh veggies in your cart. Men can strike up a conversation with you wherever you go, if you are open. If you don’t go out the door looking good, your head will be down instead of noticing who is noticing your beautiful self!
Men are everywhere, so be prepared! In fact, the gym is a great place to meet fit guys. Smile when you are working out, you never know who is watching you, especially on the downward leg press!
Your Confidence Needs a Boost
If you are happy with yourself, it shows. Confident women are sexy, they stand up straight and walk with a purpose. Confidence shows. You can’t fake it. When we don’t feel confident, we may feel needy. Needy women attract needy men.
Having been there myself in the past, I can relate. I tried to please men becoming the chameleon, rather than being authentically me. I was whatever I thought men wanted thinking that was what you did to receive love. Pleasing someone else is a form of manipulation. Even with the best of intentions neither person ends up happy.
When you are happy, you are more attractive because confidence radiates outward. People want to be around you. With positive self-esteem you are happy with you. You know you aren’t perfect, but lovingly embrace your flaws rather than beat yourself up for them.
A confident person will look inside to see what needs to change to get what they desire.
We are all works in progress. We need to be aware of our own issues. Don’t be afraid to do self-introspection. You might find a hate of men pattern from issues with your father. Or perhaps you lost a parent and now have deep abandonment issues. We attract love to us when we reflect it outward. If you feel hateful towards yourself, you could be pushing love away, rather than attracting it. If you have a habit of attracting people who don’t treat you well, see if you have issues around feeling deserving. Hire a coach to help you clear your self-esteem issues.
Am I Attractive Enough?
There is someone for everyone. There is someone for you. The women that come to me looking for a relationship mention the same refrain, “Will anyone be attracted to me?” The answer is YES! Fortunately, we all have different tastes and desires. Not everyone is interested in the same body type or personality. Know that you are enough. You are perfect as you are. There is someone out there for you. Have faith in yourself, but be authentically you. Don’t fake who you are. Authenticity is attractive.
Have a Healthy View of the Past
Everything happens for a reason. Not all relationships are meant to go the distance. Sometimes a relationship is just another lesson, rather than forever. When we can forgive our past partners and ourselves, we stop dragging the past into the present. Learn from the past, let go and move on. Know that the past served you in some way. Our relationships are our greatest teachers. Our partners mirror our issues back to us.
Relationships help us grow and evolve. Perhaps your past prepared you to be more aware of the positive character of the person you have in front of you right now. If we have nothing to compare our present with, we often miss out on heart-stopping possibilities of love and relationship right now.
Move Beyond a First Date
First dates can be tough. We are often a little nervous, or even anxious. Anxiety can make us act differently. Give yourself and your prospective partner a chance. Go to date number two so that you have the opportunity to move beyond first date jitters. Often we throw our rod and tackle back into the trunk without really being authentically us. If you weren’t authentic, your date probably wasn’t either. Judging a person by a first meeting isn’t giving either of you a chance at happiness. Often when we agree to date number two, they are cuter, more intelligent and much more exciting than they were on date number one.
You Set the Bar Too High
The idea of a gorgeous movie star sounds amazing, but is it realistic? Many have dreams of waking up to a beautiful prince of a guy with millions invested in gold bullion, houses on The French Riviera and both coasts that will feed us caviar while massaging our feet. We have to look at our bank account, and personal issues to recognize we attract what we are. If we are vertically challenged, broke and addicted to sweets, it might be a bit of difficult to catch someone who is six foot tall, has the body of Adonis, the spirituality of Buddha and the bank account of Donald Trump.
When we look at our possible date with judgment, all we will see is what is wrong with them. Instead, look for their positive traits, values and personality.
Do they make you laugh?
Do they treat wait staff respectfully?
Is conversation effortless and easy?
Do you have commonality?
The basis of a long-term relationship is emotional responsibility, kindness, compassion, empathy, values, mutual respect, fun, connection, laughter, ability to work through conflict, a desire for the best for each other. If the greatest components are present, but you aren’t impressed, are you too focused on appearance or wealth?
Setting the bar too high may make us a very lonely fisherman.
Fear of Intimacy
If you go through dates like Steve Jobs went through iPhones, you might have a fear of intimacy. Intimacy means allowing someone to see you for who you truly are without a mask or false front. If you throw aside your relationship at the first sign of trouble, maybe you don’t want to allow anyone to see your deepest fears or desires.
To have deep intimacy, we have to be emotionally available. Having our hearts broken can cause us to put up walls and disconnect from our true feelings. If you keep attracting others who are emotionally unavailable, there is a good chance you might be as well. It took me years to recognize that the very thing I pointed out in my partners was what I also had.
You Don’t Take Risks
When we think of risk takers, we often think of those fish on the open sea, who climb Mt. Everest or skydive out of an airplane. A relationship takes risks. We can’t protect our heart and find love too. Our heart needs to be open, willing and accepting. We can’t have it all without being willing to give it all. We can’t find love unless we can risk having our heart broken.
If you don’t put yourself out there, you won’t find real love. A risk might mean driving two hours to meet someone for a dinner-date. A risk might mean making a side-trip for a rendezvous with a potential partner on your way home from vacation. Your risk might be taking the first step to accepting a date and see how it goes.
You Don’t Want to Settle
Have you made rules and regulations for your perfect partner?
Are your rules rigid and unbreakable?
Sometimes we expect our love to show up looking a particular way. When they don’t, we might be rejecting a fantastic potential partner. An example might be that you asked for your Beloved to be of a particular religious persuasion. And they show up with something different. If your rules are too rigid, this could be another amazing vehicle for personal growth. If you don’t try, you will never know. Watch to see what your mental commentary is when you meet new potential partners. Are you open and receptive. Or do you judge quickly and say, “NEXT!”
You Rationalize It Wouldn’t Have Worked Out Anyway
Do you run from commitment thinking, it wouldn’t have worked out?
We sometimes rationalize our decisions by creating stories in our minds. Our stories may have little to do with facts and more to do with fiction. Our ego-minds will create all sorts of stories to make us think we are doing the right thing by saying he or she was no good for us.
You Have to Go Where People Are
If you spend your evenings watching Netflix and weekends hiding under the covers, it is unlikely love will come knocking on your apartment door. We have to get out to meet people. We have to join the hiking club, the bowling league or attend the church social.
When friend’s invite you to parties do you go?
Or do you decline, because you feel there won’t be anyone interesting in attendance?
Everytime you attend another function; you are giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone new. Try it you might enjoy yourself!
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Tony DeNozo on NCIS had the best line ever! “If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten!” I couldn’t agree more. If you stay in your comfortable home on your soft couch watching your favorite shows, you will get what you have always gotten. Watching television alone.
Moving out of your comfort zone might just be the fishing expedition that wins you the biggest and best catch of your life. You deserve love, pull out all the stops and go beyond where you have ever gone before? Cast your net upon the open sea ready, open anticipating an incredible opportunity to arrive.