You met a new man. He is attractive, intelligent, attentive and caring, what else would you need from a man? The light bulb in your head goes “He could be the one!” He is so different from all my ex-s, he has a good potential, and you decide to dive into this relationship and give it your everything!
Yet, a few months or possibly weeks later it all starts falling apart. He doesn’t call you as often as you wish he did, he doesn’t take you out and prefers to spend fun time with his friends, and all of a sudden, all your hopes for this relationship to be different dissolve like a soap bubble.
And you keep asking yourself “Why does this keep happening to me? Why this sudden change in him? What did I do wrong?”
The answer is “Nothing!” You have done nothing wrong, but might have trusted him and believed in the relationship way too soon.
The thing is, when we really want something to be a certain way, our mind tricks us and blocks out any information which may lead to another disappointment. We simply don’t notice (or choose! not to notice) anything that might go wrong, because of our strong belief that this time things would be different. Especially in a romantic relationship, when we are physically attracted to someone, we put so much focus on their good qualities, not realising we closed our eyes on traits which we might not like.
Have you noticed, that after another breakup, people often ask themselves “How could I be so wrong about him? He appeared to be so great in the beginning!”.
When this happens, it is very easy to assume this person wasn’t not right for us, and go look for another one who is in no way similar to the previous one, but it is much harder to understand what role you play in this inability to sustain a happy relationship.
To avoid falling into the same trap, you need to not only learn to read the warning signs better, but also learn more about yourself and how you show up in intimate relationship.
1. Analyse your past relationships and see if there is any pattern in how they were evolving.
If anything happened to you more than once, there is definitely a lesson there about the way you relate to men. For example, you noticed your man lost interest in you at some point. What could you do to trigger this behaviour in him?
2. Be aware of what is important for you in intimate relationship.
Many women get it wrong, looking for a partner with certain physical traits, instead of understanding how they want to be treated in the relationship. Ask yourself these questions:
- How do I want my man to behave around me?
- How do I want him to care about me?
- What our relationship would look like? What would we do together?
This would give you a much better perspective on your potential partner, rather than how tall he is or what car he drives.
3. Stick to your deal-breakers!
I cannot emphasise this enough how important it is to know and communicate your boundaries – what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Do not hope that he will change. If he cancels your dates last minute, he has a good chance of becoming an unreliable partner in the future. No amount of love from your side is going to change him.
4. Don’t give up on yourself in the relationship.
It is more common behaviour for women rather than men. Due to our caring nature, we often are easier to compromise on our needs and put others first, especially at the falling in love stage. Learn to stick to your priorities no matter how appealing his offers to do something else might sound.
5. Notice if you didn’t let go the thoughts of your ex and only look for a new man to either make your ex jealous or in the attempt to forget him.
Going into relationship for the wrong reasons most probably would not lead to a happy ending. And it is unfair on the new person, who is essentially being used and will be hurt in the end.