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Welcome back to the second part of this series! To Read Part 1, CLICK HERE!

A Recap of the Reasons Why Men Vanish

You got ahead of yourself (and him).

We’ve all been guilty of this.

You meet a guy and go out with him. Maybe you think it was the most magical date of your life. There were fireworks, there was chemistry, and you think this could be The One.

Why Men Vanish: Thinking About Reasons He DisappearedThe only problem? It was your first date! Or your second date. Maybe even your third. You think, “Why on earth didn’t I hear from him? Didn’t he feel the amazing connection I did?” Think about the guy you disappeared on. Don’t you think he felt the very same way?

What was the problem? You got ahead of yourself. (And you most certainly got ahead of him.)

If you think men mature more slowly than women, that also means that men go more slowly in relationships.

Here’s a way to think about the thought process of a man in a relationship versus the thought process of a woman in a relationship:

  • On a third date, women are thinking about what their future home looks like.
  • On a third date, men are thinking about whether or not his shirt looks okay with his pants.
  • In the third week of dating, she’s planning the wedding.
  • In the third week of dating, he’s thinking about introducing her to his friends.
  • In the third month of dating, she’s thinking about what their kids will look like.
  • In the third month of dating, he’s thinking about whether or not he should give her his work phone number.

You see how you can actually cause a man to poof and vanish on you if you’re already planning your wedding when he hasn’t even started planning your next date?

How can you stop doing that?

Think about it. Be present. You also need to remember that if you’re getting so far ahead of yourself, are you even taking the time to think if this guy is THE guy for you? Probably not. So take it slowly. Get to know him. Get to know you. And wait to see if you even want him to stick around.

You were competing with him.

Why Men Vanish: Some Indicators and Signs He Will DisappearTrust me when I say that a man does not want to date someone who is too similar to himself in certain ways. Of course he wants to date someone who’s perhaps on a similar level of attractiveness, intelligence, education, religion, economic standing, etc. But what he definitely doesn’t want is someone who’s just as masculine as he is, just as competitive, and just as “in charge.”

This isn’t to say you need to act demurely and not be your true self. But the truth is that if you want to date the Alpha Male, you can’t be the Alpha Female all the time, too.

Of course you should have your own opinions. Of course you should make decisions and be able to be in charge some of the time. But if you spend all of your time competing with your guy (wanting to choose each date destination, talking about your accomplishments at work nonstop, and forgetting to congratulate your guy on his accomplishments), he’s probably going to find someone else who he just feels better around (instead of someone he feels like he needs to step on eggshells).

You were too clingy.

You must allow a man the room to pursue you. If you consistently follow up with him after every date or outing (or ask him out), he’s going to be ditching you immediately for a woman who lets him follow up, lets him ask her out, and lets him set the pace for the relationship.

If he was initially interested in you, called you, and asked you out (perhaps more than once), and then you started exhibiting actions of a Stage Five Clingerhe’s probably going to vanish on you. The sad part is you might not even know you’re being clingy! So as a general rule, take it easy on the follow-up contact in the early stages of dating: let him call you, let him text you, and let him find out what your schedule is (not vice versa).


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Your standards are so high that no one can even get close.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably the smart, strong, successful type. And that’s fantastic! What’s not fantastic is if you feel you deserve only the absolute best, and thus let good guys slip under your radar because they aren’t CEOs, they aren’t billionaires, or they don’t have supermodel looks. Give those guys a chance. Sometimes it’s the guys you think aren’t your “type” who end up being amazing partners.

You decide too early that he’s going to disappear on you.

If you’ve had a man pull a vanishing act on you before, it can obviously make you more sensitive and perhaps feel that everyone will do it to you. What you must remember is that if someone pulled a Casper on you – wait for it – he wasn’t a match.

Really, he did you a favor. Although rejection hurts and a man vanishing on you never feels good, you must not simply assume that every other guy you meet will do the same. If you do assume the next guy you go out with will pull the same tricks, you’ll exude those thoughts in your energy. You’ll ask him questions that make him feel locked into a category. You’ll talk about the last guy who disappeared on you, and you’ll talk negatively about men in general. If you guessed correctly that he’ll skip out of your date in a heartbeat, you’d be guessing correctly; in fact, he may even try to leave mid-date! So don’t assume every guy is a bad guy!

How to Tell if You Have a Vanisher on Your Hands (Ahead of Time!)

Why Men Vanish: Understanding MenDid he tell you he’s not looking for a relationship? Or maybe he told you he just got out of a relationship and wants to take things slowly? Or that he’s just looking for fun? Chances are he means it, so listen to him!

If your ultimate goal is a relationship and he just wants to keep it casual, you’re not on the same path. So if you continue dating him without getting your needs met, he’ll probably check out at some point (just like he said earlier!).

So don’t beat yourself up about a guy who tells you he isn’t looking for a relationship. Wouldn’t it be better to find this out early on rather than investing your time for six months (or a year, or two years) to find out he really meant what he said? Yeah, me neither. So listen to his words, watch his actions, and don’t feel like you have lost “The One.” If he was “The One,” he wouldn’t have vanished in the first place.

You’re Lying to Yourself When You Always Use the Following Reasons When He Vanishes:

  • He’s working on himself.
  • He thinks I’m not interested!
  • He’s intimidated by my success.
  • He’s not over his last relationship.

Remember: It’s usually something you did; it’s occasionally nothing you did.

So You Want a High-Quality Guy? Well, So Do Most Women Out There!

When a high-quality guy is on the market, he has A LOT of options. So while you’re attractive, and amazing, and fun, and smart… you definitely want to project the best you at the beginning of your courtship so you can make sure he gets to know just how amazing you are.

So if you do any of the following things when you first start dating a guy, you can bet he’s going to vanish:

  • You’re super clingy, calling him and texting him A LOT.
  • You think, “I want a guy who knows how smart and opinionated I am, and who isn’t intimidated by my intelligence, so he can take it or leave it.”
  • You bring your aggressive work face on each and every date because “that’s just you.”
  • You start planning your wedding on the second date.
  • You arrive and expect the guy to be the only one trying to impress you.
  • When you don’t hear from him for even a day or two, you immediately freak out, read through all your prior text messages, dissect all your dates and phone conversations, and start calling him to find out where he is.
  • You complained about the date venue, the food, the weather, the server, the drinks, your day, etc.

What Are Some Easily Preventable Ways to Stop Thinking the Above and Start Getting the Results You Want?

  1. Take. It. Slowly.
  1. Remember that there are two people in a courtship or relationship. Don’t just expect him to lay out a red carpet for you while you do nothing.
  1. Have a positive attitude about dating. Don’t assume each and every guy you go out with is going to disappear on you at some point and you’re just waiting for it to happen.

Stay tuned next week for the last part of this three-part series!


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The reason this video is so important is because it teaches you the REAL reason you’ve failed to get your ex back so far (and have embarrassed yourself along the way).

And how to use tiny little text messages to erase all the “bad times” and “mistakes” and create a whole new relationship with your ex (no matter how bad things were before.) CLICK HERE!

Marni Battista

As the founder of Dating with Dignity and with more than 25 years of personal relationship and dating experience, Marni Battista has dated, was married for 17 years, divorced, and then successfully dated again (and married!) in the 21st century. She has undergone professional training in dating and relationship coaching as well as training in the Core Energy Coaching Process from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). Marni also has extensive training as a Facilitator with the Hoffman Institute, one of the world’s foremost organizations in personal development. A guest co-host on Dr. Drew Pinsky’s Loveline show, Marni was called LA’s best dating coach after her appearance on On Air with Ryan Seacrest. More importantly, as a divorcee for more than five years, Marni truly understands what it feels like to be lonely and sick of wasting time on dates with men that go nowhere. A woman who is not your mother, best friend, or therapist, Marni is the professional relationship and dating expert who will stand behind you to provide love, compassion, support and honest guidance as you embark on one of the most important, fulfilling adventures in your life.

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