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Tammy asks:
“Mike,
 Why do I do this? Why do women do this? I am in a wonderful, committed relationship. I love him more than I have words for. He loves me and I know it. I have no doubts at all that he loves me back. But, why? Why do I always find myself pushing him for more, for him to always prove it to me? Why can’t I be happy with the fact that I know it, he shows it, he says it. I believe it and understand it, so why??? Ugh, I sometimes hate myself and wonder, I can’t be that insecure, can I? I want nothing more than for us to be together and be happy. We were together for 2 years, broke up for a few months and back together for 6 months now. I am really, really happy this time around and so is he. We are different people this go-around. I wish I could stop making him feel like he has to prove it all the time.”

Hey Tammy…
You know, I actually asked my dad this question years and years ago when I was in high school. I was desperately in love with a tall-but-awkward (we were teenagers) brunette.

We’d walk down the hallway hand in hand. We’d make out on the stairwells during school dances. We felt those crazy teenaged hormones pushing us like a mack truck closer and closer to physicality we just weren’t ready for.

And then out of nowhere she’d turn on me like an angry dragon, yell and scream about what an awful boyfriend I was and make me do backflips of penance to get back in her good graces.

It kind of sucked.
And when I went to my (charming, roguish, womanizing, really-bad-husband) of a father he just looked at me and said “Bitches be crazy.” (Which I promptly made into a song. But I can’t sing it here.)

Anyway, I loved my dad (he passed away a looong time age) but he was a womanizer and a misogynist (and a really bad dancer).

So it’s not that you’re crazy.

At least not any more crazy than the rest of us.
It’s that you’re subconsciously scared.

You’re scared that all the signals he’s giving you that say “YES, I LOVE YOU” (in big, bold neon letters that could hang in Times Square) are a lie.

You’re scared that he’s hiding behind a mask, laughing at you, manipulating you, twirling you around his pinkie finger and sucking away the good years you’ve got.

You’re scared of being a fool.

And you know what? In some ways that’s pretty normal.

Evolutionary Psychologists (the guys and gals who study how the human brain evolved to the crazy, powerful and . . . well, let’s go back to crazy supercomputer we carry around in our skulls) say that women’s “testing” behavior comes from a deep desire and need to choose “the right” mate.

After all, from a purely physical standpoint women have a lot more eggs in the love/sex basket than men do.
Men can go off and “mate” with dozens of women and still have plenty of time and energy to “mate” with dozens more.
But for women sleeping with someone (and the needy little bundles of cute that can come with it) is kind of a big deal.

So Here’s What You Do . . .
1. Calm down and forgive yourself. Yes, you’re testing him. Yes, you’re kind of insecure. But that just makes you human and makes you just like the other 99,000 women who get this newsletter (OK, I’m sure not EVERY woman on this list is insecure. But I’m insecure too, so I’ll take up their spots.)

2. Remember this: Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. Instincts and “intuition” are awesome but instincts and “intuition” can be really, really wrong. The part of your brain that’s making you “test” this guy is really the same kind of your brain that makes you really, really like processed sugar. When those feelings come up you can just look at them, laugh at them and even talk to your guy about them (he sounds like a good guy.) But you don’t have to ACT on them.

3. Set up a ritual for yourself. When you feel the “Testing urge” come up: 
Take a deep breathe.
 Point and laugh at the urge (Oh, look, I’m feeling an urge to push my guy away.) 
Do the absolute opposite. Instead of dragging him through the coals either give him a compliment or just say “I really love how much you love me.” or something cheesy like that.)

Michael Fiore

Internationally recognized as the foremost expert on how to have great relationships in the modern world, Michael is blunt, funny, and always honest.

In 2011, Michael appeared on “The Rachael Ray” show with his popular “Text The Romance Back Program” (Rachael said he gave her “chills”). Since then Michael has given women X-Ray vision into men’s minds with “The Secret Survey”, helped thousands rebuild relationships with “Text Your Ex Back”, and has become an Amazon Best Selling Author.

Michael lives in Seattle, WA and is currently hard at work on his next shocking, straightforward and really, really useful program.

What Do You Think?

8 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Alba Ortiz Aug 8, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Wow! I have done this all my life and I always knew it was my insecurities but I don’t know how to control it. Thank you for the reminder that is a great advice about complimenting him when the testing urge comes to mind. I automatically think that my guy is not into me even if he clearly says that he loves me. I look forward to learning more about relationships through your posts. Thank you!

    Reply
  • Leticia May 14, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I am with a man who pursued me for 8 months. We dated a few times and he wanted more but because of the size difference I would tell him no. I even told him it was because he was 4 inches shorter than me and I was afraid it would be a problem later. Of course he didn’t understand. I finally decided to give him a chance and he introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend. I never had a problem with that. A few days later I meet his mother and father. He introduced me to them and his brother, sister, sister-in-law, brother-in-law and other relatives shortly after as his girlfriend. I loved it of course. I did think it was to soon to be meeting the family but I figured he must really want something serious. He lives with his mom and dad due to a divorce and his business went under during the recession we had a few years back. He is starting to get work again and is very talented at what he does. Now at this point in our relationship (2 weeks into it) he is spending the night every day and starting moving cloths over. Again I had no problem with it since all my kids are grown and the only one who lives with me is 21 and is hardly ever there. I enjoy his company and we have fun together. One month into the relationship I start to notice that he takes his cell phone everywhere he goes. So I snooped and found that he was still texting other girls. I confronted him about it and he said they meant nothing. He also reminded me that he was single for 5 years and it was a habit to flirt and talk dirty by text with several girls. He swore it would never happen again. Now at this point I decide that he needs to go back to his moms and we need to slow down. I packed all his cloths up and took it to him after talking about slowing down. He took it as a sign we were over and broke up with me. Two days later he wants to try and work it out (after seeing me at a sports bar celebrating my birthday and getting a lot of attention) so we do. I have unfortunatelly fallen in love with this man and have told him. I know “Big Mistake”. He has not told me but did say that he is not a very vocal type and will not say what he feels but will show me. We have been together a little of 2 months now. These are the things I am finding which I am not sure what to do about. First he never calls or texts me during the day when I am at work (sometimes he is working other times he is not). I am always the one who calls him or texts him. Second, he only shows affection when we are in bed (he is a big cuddler). Third, we have sex once or twice a week. I would love to have it every day but he says he is tired. Fourth, I went thru his phone again and found he was texting another girl again…not like before…just polite conversation. I am confused. I don’t know if he is using me cause I have a house and a steady job (I pay for stuff when he doesn’t have money) or if I am reading to much into things. I have brought all these issues up and he says that if he didn’t care about me or love me that he wouldn’t be with me. He reminds me that his own family was surprised that after 5 years he finally brought someone over (which to them means a lot) so that should show me that he wants to be with me but he now says that we need to slow down and let things happen their own way…for us not to rush things cause that’s the way things started. Should I just let him go and start over or is this who he is and I need to adjust to it. We do go everywhere together. We both love to play pool and have even entered into tournaments together. We both enjoy fishing and hanging out with friends drinking a few cold ones. I am so confused! Need Help!!

    Reply
  • Debbie Feb 21, 2013 at 10:17 am

    WOW! thank you! I am doing this right now to my boyfriend. He tells me things and I just don’t believe him! I accuse him of cheating, but he just has some friends, who happen to be female, who have texted him. I did this the other day and he said he WILL NOT put up with it anymore…haven’t seen him since. We live together. I am sad. I’m trying NOT to be needy. Thanks for the advice!!!

    Reply
  • Maybornstar Feb 21, 2013 at 7:39 am

    What if you find out that he IS hiding behind a mask, laughing at you, manipulating you, twirling you around his pinkie finger and sucking away the good years you’ve got? Then is that the biological impulse justified?

    What if it turns out that despite those less than favorable circumstances, the couple discovered they really do love each other but there is that lingering insecurity; Will this exercise work when the intuition wasn’t delusional?

    I know you don’t cosign women dating toxic guys but what if he’s changed or willing to, how can a woman stop from pushing away if he hasn’t earned her trust back yet?

    I wish there was a book on this. “Relationship Detox” How to love when trust is damaged really bad.

    Reply
    • Michael Fiore   Maybornstar Feb 21, 2013 at 1:17 pm

      Hey Maybornstar,
      Check out this (inexpensive) ebook by one of our Digital Romance authors – and one of my personal favorite relationship advice experts – Claire Casey:
      How to Love When Your Heart is Broken (http://amzn.com/B009AYWTLA)

      I can’t guarantee that it’ll fix a toxic relationship, but it’s a step in the right direction for YOU…

      Reply
      • Maybornstar   Michael Fiore Oct 29, 2013 at 11:52 pm

        Thank you

        Reply
  • Ashley Feb 21, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I love reading your articles….It’s nice to read things from a mans perspective.

    Reply
  • gilly Feb 19, 2013 at 9:57 am

    thank you. such good advice. i hope i use it when needed. im mortified ive just done this to my man and youre correct, its total insecurity for a second.. and then i believe my instincts…ok .. calm and reality.

    Reply

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