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Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.

So…there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.

“Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Are they REALLY changing?”

Good questions.

Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:

  1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.
  2. You find yourself surprised. “Hmmmm, this hasn’t happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!”
  3. They express more curiosity about you, about themselves and others. They observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.
  4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.
  5. You find yourself noticing how differently they talk. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.
  6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.
  7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!
  8. They seem to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. They seem to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. They take up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.
  9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.
  10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.
  11. Words such as: “I promise. I’ll try. Or, I’m going to…” are NOT in their vocabulary.
  12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.
  13. You hear no blaming of others. They do NOT make others responsible for their actions. You sense that they are intent upon responsibly creating their world.
  14. There is good eye contact.
  15. They are taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. They can state what they needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.
  16. You worry much less about what will happen next. 
Bob Huizenga

Dr. Bob Huizenga is an author, researcher and Relationship Coach specializing in relationships of emotional investment. He began his practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in 1981 working with thousands of individuals and couples wanting better relationships. In 2002 he wrote one of the first and best selling ebooks on infidelity, “Break Free From the Affair.” In addition, Dr. Huizenga recently finished his new ebook, “Save Your Marriage – 27 days to create a love you can trust,” reflecting his research and clinical experience over the past 30 years.

For more on “Break Free From the Affair” CLICK HERE

For more on “Save Your Marriage” CLICK HERE

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