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Do you find yourself having an unsatisfying sexual relationship?  Do you not know how to approach this concern with you partner or even where to start?

Most couples DO NOT TALK about what they like or what they want in the bedroom. Are you one of them? 

If you cannot talk about sexual intimacy with your partner you probably shouldn’t be doing it! What I want to provide for you is ways to begin this conversation with your partner.  Once you can discuss sexuality you will find that a more satisfying relationship falls into place.

Below I provided three exercises to assist you in talking more openly about sexuality with your partner:

1. The “Before, During, and After” Exercise

In this exercise you will explore all three areas of your sexual experience: before, during, and after.  For each part you will discuss what you like or dislike about the sexual relationship with your partner.  For the before part discuss what you like and do not like about how your partner initiates intimacy.  For the during part discuss what you like or don’t during sexual intimacy.  For the after part discuss what you like and don’t like after the sexual encounter. 

This exercise should not be done in the afterglow of a sexual experience but at a time where both of you can be fully present.

I have created an example of this exercise below:

Before

Likes                                                                      Dislikes

-caressing my leg                                             -telling me you are horny

-kissing my ear                                                 -going right for my genitals

-throwing me down on the bed                      -initiating when I am sleeping

During

Likes                                                                      Dislikes

-having my hands tied                                   -spanking my butt

-your hands in my hair                                   -you touching my feet

-looking into my eyes                                     -going right to intercourse

After

Likes                                                                      Dislikes

-holding hands                                                  -cuddling (due to being too hot)

-massaging my head                                       -when you leave the room immediately

-telling me how good it was                            -when you fall asleep

2. The List Exercise

The second exercise is about creating a list of sexual intimacy activities that you enjoy, would be interested in trying, or not interested in engaging in with your partner.  Sometimes couples are resistant to try different sexual behaviors out of fear that their partner may not be interested.  By creating this list with your partner you can become aware of what each of you is interested in and not interested in exploring.

I have created an example of this list below:

Always

  • kissing
  • spanking
  • using toys
Curious but Sure

  • costumes/role playing
  • in public places
  • strip teasing
Off limits

  • bondage
  • using food
  • swinging

3. The Sex Book Exercise

The last exercise I have included is specifically for those of you that are slightly terrified with the two talking exercises above.  You are probably saying right now, “I can’t talk to my partner about this.”  For those of you that are not terrified this will still be a great exercise for you as it will expand on the ideas above.

What I want you to do is buy a sex book of your picking from either the store or the internet.  I recommend the book The Joy of Sex by Dr. Alex Comfort.  As you read the book put a marker with comments (post-its work great) by areas that you would like to try with your partner.  Then your partner can read through the book and respond to your markers by adding to the comments you have made.

A lot of my couples find this exercise fun as it can be exciting to wonder what your partner might write in the book; which in itself can create excitement.  The book exercise can also be a great way to ease into the conversation about what you would like out of sexual intimacy experience.  To expand this exercise, after writing notes, you can sit down and talk to your partner about what the experience was like looking through the book.

Above I have provided three exercises to assist you in getting what you want in bed with your partner.  The lists I have provided are just examples.  It could be very likely that for you the things in the dislike list might be in your like list.  There is no right or wrong answer for what YOU want to explore.  I hope these exercises provide you with an avenue to explore sexuality intimacy in a way that increases satisfaction in your relationship!

Lyndsey Fraser

Lyndsey Fraser, MA, LMFT has over three years of experience providing individual, couples, and family therapy.  She works with couples of all backgrounds including married, engaged, living together, dating, and same-sex (lesbian and gay). Within this she also focuses on sexual concerns related to infidelity and sexual dysfunction.  To learn more about Lyndsey Fraser, MA, LMFT you can go to her website at www.relationalconnections.com.

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