When I work with clients in their early twenties, I sometimes forget that they never dated in a world without texting and instant messaging. I’ve dated in both worlds, so I certainly have a balanced perspective on the value and pitfalls of texting.
Here it is…
The ability to instantly connect with someone all the time via texting is an amazing thing, especially early on in a relationship. Also, the ability to instantly connect with someone all the time via texting is a terrible thing, especially early on in a relationship.
So, basically my opinion of texting is that it’s like most things in life: it has good and bad sides. And, when it comes to dating, your “text game” can nurture a newfound relationship or outright kill it. In fact, I’ve known many people who have ruined their chances at great relationships due to poor texting skills.
With that in mind, here are 4 texting errors that will keep you single. Correct these and you’ll find that your texts will actually help you get into a relationship and even strengthen current ones.
Being Too Needy
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“Why are you ignoring me? You think you’re all that or something?”
“F*** you, B****”
“Jeez, I was at work in a meeting. You’re blocked now a**hole!”
This type of texting exchange isn’t all that uncommon. I’ve seen it a lot with men texting women, but I’m sure it happens the other way around too.
Neediness is one of the most unattractive traits anyone can have, but it’s especially unattractive in men. However, it happens a lot because texting actually encourages neediness.
We have an emotional need to connect with someone we’re romantically attracted to, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Texting literally allows us to connect with that person potentially 24/7, which isn’t normal or healthy.
Someone who is extremely attracted to another person could let those strong feelings get the best of them and go from moderately clingy (which is normal) to outright needy.
This neediness can also lead to even worse outcomes. If that person is prone to jealousy, suspicion, or controlling behavior, texting provides the medium to constantly let these traits emerge. And, it’s usually not pretty (or attractive).
If you know you’re the needy type, you’ll have to be extra careful when texting someone you find attractive. When your feelings of neediness arise, wait a few minutes (or hours) before sending a text. And, you should do your best to work through the reasons why you’re needy in the first place.
Being Too Available
An old proverb states that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There is definitely truth to that statement. We tend to desire what we can’t have more than what we have, just like people get hungrier the longer they go without food.
If you are too available in a relationship, two things tend to happen.
First, you can be taken for granted. You want to play at least a little hard to get in a relationship. Make the other person desire you more by showing at least a little scarcity. Not always being on your phone can help that.
Second, if you’re always free to text all the time, what does it say about your life? A high value, attractive person actually has a life: a job, hobbies, family, friends, etc. If you are constantly available to message, your life is either lacking in substance or you’re sending that message to others (pardon the pun).
Resist the urge to constantly be available to text the other person. Pursue your normal life goals while integrating the other person in your life. Don’t be so desperate that you feel the need to message every ten seconds.
Guy: “How are you today?”
Guy: “That’s cool. Anything exciting?”
Guy: “I’m excited because it’s great weather today and I’m gonna run”
Texting has been promoted as a way for quick and brief communication, which is definitely an advantage over calling and emailing in certain contexts. But, if you’re trying to maintain or start a relationship, you need to put in a little more effort.
Many people are very boring over text. Rather than seeing texting as an extension of their personality, they simply view it as a quick means of communication. So, they won’t engage in meaningful conversation, and instead, resort to one word answers. Just like in “real life,” this is extremely boring.
Some dating and relationship experts teach that you should view texting as simply “information sharing.” As such, they recommend keeping texting simple.
While I agree that the main focus of any relationship should be “in person” interaction, in the year 2016 you can’t really take the view that texting should be used to simply just share basic facts. Too many people, especially young people, have the expectation of bonding romantically over text. If you can’t do that, they’ll find someone who will.
So, let your personality shine through via text too! You’ll find that others will respond well to it and will find you even more attractive. If, however, you have a boring personality, then you’ll have to work on that first!
You Don’t Flirt
Know what’s worse than being boring over text? Not being able to flirt over text.
Flirting is the language of romance and, if you can’t do it, you’re going to remain single for a long time. But, as with fun people who come across as boring over text, some individuals who are normally flirty in person can’t replicate their success over text.
I think some people have difficulty flirting over text for a couple of reasons. Many feel that it’s inappropriate behavior over a phone, while others might be charming during “in person” interaction, but find putting words together in writing more difficult.
Again, this comes down to being yourself. If you are good at flirting in person, just text the other person the way you would as if you were talking to him or her face to face. Have fun, joke around, and be a little risque. Just because the medium is a text rather than an in-person interaction shouldn’t stop you.
Let me give you an example of a flirty text exchange I helped a client of mine type out.
Client: “I am pretty funny actually. Funny, cute, charming, and humble.”
Girl: “Haha, humble huh?”
Client: “Yeah, if they gave an award for humility, they definitely *wouldn’t* give it to me, because they know I wouldn’t accept it. That’s how humble I am.”
Girl: “You’re funny”
If you’re making these texting mistakes, it could be one reason why you’re single. Correct these and you’ll soon discover that your tighter “texting game” will lead to more success in person. Don’t let your texting opportunities go to waste.
You probably don’t know this but there are just THREE things you have to do to “wake up” the romance center of any man’s brain and turn him into the “Romantic Beast” you deserve (and desire so much). . .