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Every time you see her it makes you sick at your stomach. You’d like to get your hands around her scrawny little neck and… Wait. She doesn’t have him any more; you do. So why do you still feel like a can of hairspray in a campfire every time you think of her?

Jealousy can be like a bottle of Diet Coke and Mentos with a splash of strychnine; explosive and deadly all at the same time. You don’t feel in control of it; even YOU are shocked every time you look down and see a bubbling rage cocktail in your hand. Don’t you wish you could stop your feelings from being yanked around this way?

Guess what? You can.

Do an honest evaluation of your current relationship

Your jealousy radar goes off because it’s telling you that there’s something wrong; your job is to figure out where the “wrong” is coming from so that you can make a decision about how to fix it. Sometimes the issue is with him; sometimes it’s with you.

Take an honest look at your fears and suspicions. Is there secretive behavior going on that makes you think he may still be with her even though he said he was exclusively committed to you? Has he recently been through some dramatic behavior changes (ie, losing weight, discovering new tastes and preferences, fresh appearance) that you can’t find an explanation for? Has there been a radical change in your sexual relationship? If so, you may need to consider whether he’s cheating with his ex. In that case, say “thank you” to your jealousy radar and start dealing directly with the bigger issue.

Alternatively, are you consistently one of his top priorities? Does he build you up, value your opinion, and want what’s best for you? Does he keep his promises? Do you feel awesome when you’re with him? If so, it’s definitely worth taking the time to figure out how to get this jealous monkey off your back. Keep reading…

Tell him how it makes you feel (and remind him of what he has in you)

Frequently you experience jealousy because he mentions her in conversations, even though he’s promised you that it’s over between them. This usually just requires a non-dramatic conversation.

Start by telling him how important he is to you, and how much you value your relationship. Then explain that it’s also a bit painful to hear about his ex every time the two of you are together. Tell him you understand how that relationship blew up in his face, and that he’s still trying to deal with the fallout, but that it’s more important than ever to let the past be the past, because he has an amazing, sexy, and brilliant woman sitting right in his lap (heh heh) and you hope he will pay full attention to you.

That works pretty well. 🙂

Reduce your self-doubt

MOST jealousy is about self-doubt, so the very best way to defeat it is to work on your own self-esteem; you gotta really start to love and value yourself. Your man has an incredible catch in you! It’s a wonder you were willing to stop dating all those other boys so that just one man could enjoy all that you have to offer…

Don’t compare yourself to her; cultivate a sense of your own worth and beauty. Focus on your own accomplishments and uniqueness. Follow your passions and take care of yourself. The more you love and are secure in yourself, the easier it will be for you to identify and let him know when he’s out of line.

Set boundaries

Every woman is different. How much contact (texting, calling, working with, etc.) with an ex is too much? If you’re recovering from an affair, you may want a “no contact” rule. But if you’re simply dealing with the women he dated before he found you, you may want to be more flexible. If you can find a very specific contact-related guideline that would help calm your feelings of jealousy, communicate that with him! He may not even be aware that simply pulling her out of his Google + circles would make you feel better.

Give him time to win your trust

Take into consideration how long the two of you have been together, because you do need enough time with your man in order to start to feel safe and trust him. And what HE does has an impact on that, of course! Let him work to win your trust, and give him time to do it.

Do you ever feel suspicious that the man in your life is lying or cheating? Do you wish you knew what he was thinking? Visit to find out why men lie and how to read the signals he gives.

Claire Casey

Claire Casey devotes her writing to empower women; to help you attract the kind of man who will treasure your heart like the rare gem it is.

Take the Love Number Quiz (free) and make this YOUR year for love. Complete guide to skyrocketing your Love Number *included* with the Quiz!

What Do You Think?

15 Comments | Join the discussion

  • A May 30, 2015 at 5:36 am

    The no Communicate rule worked for me but exactly with him. Only because the girl was sending him messages say ” hey baby, I need a place to stay.” I cut off communication with my ex’s as well to Help him out, but he is still insecure even after we have had a kid together. So I dunno what else to do.

  • justme May 30, 2015 at 5:19 am

    I don’t think it is anyone’s right to tell someone how much contact they can have with someone else. If he cheated on you and maintains contact, there is a problem and you should discuss it with him , asking that contact be stopped. But don’t make demands.

    If it is an ex spouse, and they ended things on decent terms, there is no reason they can’t stay in touch. I am still friends with my ex and the man in my life is secure enough to handle that

  • anon Mar 28, 2015 at 3:45 am

    My guy still communicated with his ex, said he still loved her. He was on fcbook constantly saying hi to other women. I tried to let him know how it made me feel but that didn’t change anything. We split up and although i was devastated i picked myself up and vowed not to look back. Today im so much happier and i know i was meant to meet him so i knew to look out for guys like him and give them a wide berth.

  • anonymous Mar 27, 2015 at 7:26 am

    My fiancé and I have been together for several months now. We’ve recently gotten our own place together doing everything 50/50 and most days are great. We still have those silly fights bc we are still getting to know one another and don’t know how to take each other sometimes. Which is why we are in no hurry to get married but he wanted me to know his love for me and the commitment. When we do have arguments he always brings the ex up some way or another. It’s not a direct comparison but I do feel like it is somehow. They do have children together and I have no problem them talking when it comes to the little ones but when she’s constantly texting about nothing is what kills me. Plus we are all friends on fb do its not like she’s missing out on anything when we have the kids abound post pics. There’s no reason to text him about it. I’ve told him how I feel but his response is “she doesn’t have anyone I’ve known her for years blah blah blah. Our talks never cross the line. If I wanted her why would I be here with you?” I do see where he’s coming from but I too am a female and know that she still just wants his attention.

  • Tracey Mar 27, 2015 at 5:31 am

    They have to communicate with Ex’s that they have children with. That is just the way life works. Hopefully it is someone you can tolerate. Not someone who berates you when they feel the need. That is hard to take when for the childrens sake you can not defend yourself ever. The other Exs I have no clue how to handle that. I know how it makes me feel. And have to learn how to deal with it myself because he does not understand. Trying to educate my self!!

  • Annonimous Feb 2, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    Im going through a jealousy poison at the moment I decided to forgive my mate after breaking the trust and Its killing me to act the way im acting I dont think he is cheating again but I do feel like he doesnt love me anymore and would cheat again It breaks my heart he asked for forgiveness and to save our marriage of 17 yrs but i feel like he is putting almost no effort into the relationship he says that if he didnt want us he wouldnt have stayed in the relationship and thats just not enough for me Im an emotional wreck I get so frustrated just trying to talk to him I just break down and cry I feel pathetic and I dont know what to do. I wish he was consoling to me since he was the one that commited the act!! Open for thoughts just dont finish me off by telling me how pathetic I am..

    • Sarah   Annonimous Mar 27, 2015 at 11:49 am

      annonimous I just want you to know I’ve been through a similar situation…. And when I finally decided one day that I couldn’t live like that anymore and that all the tears that had fallen weren’t worth it anymore it was time to go. He then chased after me after me begging and crying every day for 8mos after I found out he was talking to other girls behind my back and who knows what else… But he chased after me when I decided it was better for me to leave and find someone worth my love and time. Yes 17yrs is a long time but can you really trust him the way you did? I told myself if he really loved me he wouldn’t of cheated in the first place. People make mistakes yes but that’s an intentional mistake. It’s not worth it you will find yourself grieving over it for a lifetime. Just my input and you ARENT pathetic.

  • Aida Dec 21, 2014 at 8:39 am

    wake up people!!! -there is a reason that she is an ex and therefore contact of your partner with the ex is not needed. You should not allow any type of confact with the exes. Ask yourself this: WHY? Why should there be contact? -to wake the memories? To work things out? Etc… My opinion is that no matter what,when you are in a committed relationship,there is no need to speak to or speak of the exes with your partner.

  • Shortie Dec 21, 2014 at 7:29 am

    My current situation isn’t dealing with an ex, but yes my current fiancé always has me on edge. My jealousy is extremely out of control and I truly feel that it’s him that creates it. My intuitions have kicked in many many times in our 2 1/2 year relationship. We both had came from broken marriages, mine being 8 years and his 20. (I’m 44 & he’s 43) He claims that he was completely faithful to her, as well that his character & morals would not allow him to cheat. He as well claims he has a social paranoia of STD’s. (He is a bar owner and makes his own schedule, has lots of “spare time”) He’s strives on attention and addicted to FB. What I feel he does is seek out women on FB, sits and chats while I’m at my full time job. I’ve watched this activity with the on & off status’s of each (activity on FB) When I’ve confronted him in these situations he gets very defensive and says I’m crazy!! The activity is consistent during the day, but once I get home, it’s very much less frequent. If one of us leaves to go somewhere bam the two end up in & off FB. When he asked me to marry him in August we had just been dealing with somewhat the same situation. I feel the engagement was a last ditch effort or a cat covering up his tracks. He says he loves me with all his heart and really wants this to work. Should I trust him or trust my intuitions and let the relationship go??

    • Sophia   Shortie Mar 28, 2015 at 11:15 am

      If he strives on attention as you stay he might have very poor self esteem : maybe you could suggest therapy?
      If you’ve caught him chatting up women on FB, well, it looks like he can’t really be trusted.
      I would personally always always ALWAYS trust my intuition though.
      Take care.

  • Sandi Oct 31, 2014 at 10:01 am

    My ex and I only communicate about the kids and almost always through EMail. My boyfriends ex is a little more needy with the texting and calling and it’s starting to get to me.

  • hard journey May 28, 2014 at 3:28 am

    if they have kids together they have to communicate by phone and physically to drop and collect kids and discuss kids lives/things going on with kids. so i would love a no communication rule but it is out of the question. i get on reasonably well with the ex, but i still get a ton of stuff in my head.

    • Rozana   hard journey Oct 31, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      But what if the kids are practically adults 16, 17 & 20. Do you think that he still needs to be in contact with his ex or can he have a direct relationship and communication with his kids.


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