1. Expecting Your Partner to Make You Happy
Stop making yourself happy and expect that your partner has this magical ability.
Unless you get to the bottom of making yourself truly happy, you’ll find yourself in exactly this same spot with the next person, wondering why you can’t quite seem to find “the right person.”
Here’s a widely known, but often-ignored secret to relationships. If you’re dissatisfied with yourself, all relationships are The Wrong Relationship. That’s how people go from one person to another, to yet another until they finally give up and settle (or die bitter and alone). Because, that gnawing unworthiness gives them a solid case of grass-is-greener-itis.
If you believe that someone else is in charge of your happiness, you don’t have a candle’s chance in a windstorm of having a good relationship.
Because the minute you go through any sticking, prolonged period of time that you decide is “unhappy,” you’ll subconsciously blame it on your mate who doesn’t have the power to make you happy in the first place. Then, because they can’t do this magic thing, you’ll drive them away— believing that if you just get someone else (or were alone), you’d be happier. No, but that won’t stop you from making both of you miserable as you slowly poison your relationship from the inside out.
2. Expecting That They’ll Have the Ability to Deal With Your Emotional Dumping
Another person can only do the best they can do. In a perfect utopia, our partner MIGHT be able to field every single one of our emotional pleas for connection. But when we factor in the reality that real life gets in the way and other people have their own stuff going on, expecting them to be perfectly able to be there for us all the time just isn’t realistic.
We’re all adults here. You’re not a 3 year old child being abandoned in the woods. You must meet the lion’s share of own needs and learn to self soothe. Dumping all of your emotional crap on someone else is not just unfair, it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll have a great relationship if you do. A trained therapist might not even be able to handle it if you’re venting all the damn time.
Relationships are crap in, crap out. When you’re going through something, pass it around, get a therapist and use the rest of your support system— family and friends— to help out. We all go through stuff, and that’s okay. Your romantic partner can handle some of that load, but expecting them to carry all of it is a recipe for disaster.
When they can’t solve all of your problems, they’ll feel bad, even if those problems have nothing to do with them. They love you, so they’ll naturally want to help. When they can’t do anything to help, they’ll feel more and more ineffectual. Sooner or later, they’ll start to think you would be better off without them— because after all, they couldn’t make you happy. Nip this in the bud or face the inevitable consequence of your love pulling away from you.
3. Expecting That if They Love You, They’ll Never Leave You
Relationships have a lot of moving parts. When neglected or treated poorly, they break. You can’t get lazy and believe that love will save you. It won’t. Having love is only half the battle.
Keeping YOURSELF happy so that the other person actually wants to be around you and you can weather problems is the other half. If you let down your half of this bargain, they will leave you, and you’ll be calling me, wondering how they could possibly leave you if they still love you. They might love you, but you might also not be fun or pleasant to be around. There’s a big difference.
4. Expecting That if You’re With the Right Person, “Things Will Be Easy”
Hard times are hard. This doesn’t mean that when things get difficult or tense between the two of you, the other person is automatically the wrong person for you, it just means that hard times are hard. We don’t always cope or behave in ideal ways when we’re in relationships with other flawed humans. Giving up on someone who you generally enjoy, is loyal to you and loves you because times get tough is something you’ll probably live to regret.
5. Expecting That Anything Is Forever
Your relationship’s fate is yet undetermined, but you can be certain that once you give up your pink slip and start acting like your relationship is going to continue no matter what, two things will happen.
You’ll get too comfortable and let yourself go emotionally if not physically,
You’ll take the other person for granted.
Expecting that they’ll always be there allows you to lose respect for the other person, because they “have to stay.” They’re “yours.” People (including you) want what they can’t have. And if you expect to have them no matter what– look what just happened there. Apathy.
Inevitably, they’ll start to feel like you’re not making an effort to be your best for them. And if you’re truthful with yourself, you’re not doing your best. This is how people become disillusioned, disappointed about who they’re with and pull away from the relationship. The challenge and excitement are gone.
6. Expecting That Marriage Is the Goal and Will Make You “Safe”
We’re bred and taught to believe from the time we’re little children that marriage will solve all of our problems in the love and relationship department. “Fall in love and get married” is often our number one, overriding life goal. So we do it, thinking that it will be “the thing” that will lend our lives purpose and meaning.
What people don’t talk about is what happens AFTER we ride off into the sunset. So when we get that commitment and we speak those words about better or worse, we feel like we can get comfortable and suddenly, we won’t have to worry anymore. This is 100% wrong. So wrong in fact, that we often wake up a few years later and wonder what the heck happened to our lives.
Marriage is all well and good, but it is NOT the end-all, be-all that we often make it out to be. Our partner and keeping our RELATIONSHIP going strong is the real goal.
Ever fallen for some of these expectations? Tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.
Sending you love!
Until next time,
P.S. If your man has pulled away from you, figure out what’s going on with him by checking out the links in my bio below now. Until next time gorgeous.