So since it’s the holiday time, I am going to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else and talk about APPRECIATION today!
A deeply valuable practice that is not widely used. To find out how you can turn your relationship around in 3 easy steps, keep reading…
I taught you how to more easily deal with anger and upset in relationship. You learned exactly how to express your own upset and then do what is called ‘self-inquiry’ and turn it around so that you can see your own part in the dynamic. This is ever so helpful when it comes to sharing anger — if you start with blame, what does your partner do? S/he turns you off. No one wants to feel blamed or ashamed. Start with love and you cannot lose.
This article takes it a bit deeper — and teach you how to skillfully share one of THE MOST VALUABLE love tools: Sharing Appreciations. But not just any old appreciations, any old time — it needs to be ‘right’ in order to pierce your sweetie’s heart (and that feels oh-so-good to receive.) Let’s move from “ho hum to yum.”
I invite you into this practice this week — how about Thursday?
3 Step Path to Opening Your Heart:
1. Set up a time for you and partner to share the art of appreciation together.
Choose a location that you don’t use for anything else (if you can) — this could simply mean moving chairs in front of a window.
2. Take a few minutes to think over your week or day and pinpoint ‘one’ thing you appreciate about your sweetie; be specific.
Ask yourself what need was met by what you witnessed or experienced with your sweetie.
3. Begin as you have the other conversations with the question, “I have an appreciation for you, are you willing to hear it?”
This will give your partner time to take a deep breath and prepare to receive fully without distraction. Assuming s/he says “yes”, move on to sharing what you appreciate – use as much detail as you can and be sure to address the need it met for you. Once your appreciation was received, switch!
Hint: Only offer one appreciation at a time, don’t pack in several things you love about him. He knows there are other things you appreciate — this practice is just as much about the giving as it is about the receiving. Keep it simple so it can be taken in deeply.
Here’s an example:
Robyn: I have an appreciation for you, are you willing to hear it?
XY: Sure. Now’s a good time for me as I just finished work for today.
Robyn: Great! So….I want to appreciate you for raking the leaves on Saturday and cleaning up the yard. The yard looks so beautiful — and that meets my need for coming home to a place where I feel relaxed and soothed by it’s beauty. Thank you so much. That meant a lot to me.
XY: (deep breath to receive more fully) Thank you for telling me.
You’ll want to take the steps above to heart and please share them with your partner. I suggest you begin this week and talk later about how it felt to share thanks-giving with each other.
Don’t underestimate the power of appreciation! Everyone likes to feel appreciated and sometimes that comes from an outside source. It’s lovely to be showered in love with specific things you do, that others notice about you. Try it, you’ll like it, I promise.
TANTRA TIP: This weekend after all the holiday energy, lie down together with your partner (spooning) and begin to breathe — together. Breathe in….and breathe out…..breathe in…and breathe out….at the same time. The person in the back, please bring one hand to your partner’s heart and one to the belly. Breathe together and relax. Continue….and if you feel like it, switch places. Total suggested minimum practice time: 10 minutes.