The feeling of meeting someone new and special is pretty amazing. In fact, we know a lot about the brain chemistry of falling in love. Early on in the relationship, your brain floods with pleasure chemicals to create emotional highs that make you fall in love and bond you to the other person.
In short, your brain makes sure the “falling in love” phase of the relationship is pretty amazing. But, those brain chemicals fade with time and people are left having to tackle the rigors of a long term relationship without the chemical help. It’s literally like going off your meds.
However, it’s not just the fading of brain chemicals, but also habits people in long term relationships develop that can make things become stale and further deplete the brain of the “in love” chemicals. These bad habits include not creating alone time, lack of emphasis on your partner, and simply letting life (work, children, etc.) take its toll.
But, it’s possible to recreate some of the “in love” feeling and even get those brain chemicals flowing again. If both people want to put in the necessary work, you can fall in love with your partner again. Here are three ways to do it.
Get (Physically) Close Again
For most couples in long term relationships, especially ones with children, time truly spent together is rare. After a long day at work, there’s housework, picking the kids up from activities, and everything else that keeps both people rushing from place to place–and separate from each other.
By the time night hits, both are tired and, even if they sleep together in the same bed, usually instantly fall asleep. Not only is sex rare, but so is cuddle time.
Generally speaking, the brain chemicals that bond a couple are oxytocin and vasopressin. And, we know how the body produces both of these chemicals. Oxytocin is released through physical touch, especially cuddling because it requires around twenty seconds of touch to release. It’s also released in large quantities during sex for both men and women.
Vasopressin is also released following sex. However, this chemical is enhanced by testosterone, so men typically experience a greater bond with a woman following sex, thanks to vasopressin.
The lesson here is that intimacy is very important to sustain relationships and keep a bond. A guy might not want to make time to cuddle. A woman might deny a man sex. But, both are important to stay in love or to fall in love again if the feeling is gone.
Back when you were in love, you’d eagerly await the chance to hear from your partner. The text message would buzz in and you’d get a surge of emotions hoping that it was from him or her.
That rush comes from dopamine, the brain’s “feel good” chemical. It’s why you used to eagerly anticipate the attention from your partner and felt let down when that attention didn’t come. Yeah, you felt highs and withdrawal, just like a drug addict. Dopamine is that powerful.
In long term relationships, however, the dopamine rush is usually gone. Instead of hoping to get a cute text message from your partner, you might even dread it because it usually means something like the kid is sick or a bill collector just called.
One major way to increase dopamine levels is by taking risks. Anything you do that is “thrilling” can raise your dopamine levels. This can include things like skydiving and roller coasters. You can do these as a couple to get the dopamine flowing again.
A better solution, though, is to create exciting situations in your everyday life. Spice up your sex life, send each other naughty texts throughout the day, and so on. Do this in line with your chosen values and make them situation appropriate, of course. But, creating some excitement and intrigue can make it so that the dopamine rush returns when you get to see your partner.
Be More Attractive
When I was in my basement the other day, I found an old yearbook and started looking through it. Since I know most of my high school friends on Facebook, I began to mentally compare people now vs. 15 years ago. Some people hadn’t changed a bit while others looked radically different.
The main factor I could find in this change or lack thereof was lifestyle: those who had embraced unhealthy lifestyles (extreme weight gain, drug use, etc.) had aged a lot more.
It may sound shallow, but the reality is that many couples fall out of love because the two just aren’t attracted to each other any more. They might dance around the issue and even love each other, but the raw, “in love” passion has left because they simply don’t see each other in the way they used to. And, sadly, no amount of expensive couples counseling is going to create attraction.
One way to fall in love again is to both be more attractive to each other. This has to be a two way street, of course. If only one person does it, then it’s doomed to fail.
Look at the time when you fell in love. How did you look? How did you act? Try to recapture some of that. Obviously, age changes a lot. But, you don’t have to give up on being more attractive, even when you’re older.
While getting healthier and fitter are obvious options, it’s also about attitude. Maybe when you were younger you were more confident. Or perhaps you were actually romantic with your partner instead of being crabby all the time.
Maybe as a guy, you came home from work and talked to your wife instead of collapsing on the couch to watch TV. Or ladies, maybe you used to try to talk to your husband about things he likes, instead of turning every conversation into a complaint about his shortcomings, or the latest in your daughter’s dance class drama.
It might take some humility for you (or your partner) to admit that you’ve let yourself go, but the efforts at self-improvement will definitely pay dividends in your relationship.
These tips should help you fall in love all over again. But, just remember that, as with anything, it will take work. And, both people have to be on board. But, it’s definitely possible to recapture the early days of love if you try.
Go watch this video right now and learn how to use tiny little text messages to turn your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband into an absolute “Romance Addict” even if they don’t seem to care one iota about romance now… CLICK HERE!