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I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – don’t listen to what women say.

It’s not that women don’t know how to communicate; it’s that they often speak in vague terms without being clear as to what they mean.

Probably the biggest culprit of them all is the magic and incredibly misunderstood word: Confidence.

Confidence and Courage? Attract Women…Back when I first started learning how to be the kind of nice guy that women crave, I spent months upon months trying to understand the concept of confidence.

Everywhere I looked, the advice stayed the same of women telling men that they want a confident guy.

But without clarity or context, it’s about as meaningful of advice as it is to tell someone to just be themselves.

Without a doubt, I know I’m being myself, and of course I’m confident in things I know, so I knew there had to be something deeper to the oft repeated desire for confidence in men.

What Women Secretly Want Instead of Confidence

If confidence in general wasn’t swooning women off their feet, then I was left to start pondering what kind of confidence it is that women desire.

Through my journey to becoming a nice guy that women crave, I worked on improving my social skills; namely listening, eye contact, body language, conversation, and social dynamics just to name a few. I worked on these to the point where I eventually became confident in the art of being social.

Now I’m no longer shy and introverted, but rather outgoing, social, and really good at it.

So good, that when I was on dates, and spoke of my transformation, most women thought I was lying.  The guy in front of them couldn’t possibly have transformed himself, what kind of a prank is he playing!

In fact, the more confident I became in my social skills, the more polarising I started to become with women. The confidence I exuded made a lot of women both nervous and skeptical about my transformation story.

“Why is he so confident?  Why isn’t he nervous?  How often does he do this?”

Yet again, I began to wonder more about this confidence request that women make of men, that drives us men absolutely crazy.

What I Learned

Nothing sends the wrong message to a woman like a guy who is confident in his ability with women.

Unless, of course, she’s just looking for her immediate needs to be met.  Then, of course, she wants a guy who is confident with women.

But if she’s on a mission to find a lasting, authentic, healthy connection with another human being, then she’s not looking for confidence, at all.

She’s looking for courage.

The Difference

Confidence is muscle memory built up from hours of practicing, learning strategy, and repetitions. Confidence is the knowledge you have of your own ability to do something, and to do it efficiently.

Hand me a guitar, and I’m confident I can write a song with it. I’ve learned how to do it, written many songs, worked with producers, had albums on iTunes, you get the gist.

I don’t need courage to play the guitar, or to be on stage anymore. That’s just ridiculous. I’ve spent too many hours working on that skill that I’ve stepped over the boundary line from needing courage to being confident.

The same goes with women, and is exactly what they mean when they say that they’re looking for a guy with confidence.

They want you to lead a passionate life where you do things you have confidence in; so that they can watch you live an amazing life. They also want you to have the courage to try things you have no confidence in, at all.

Such as approaching her, talking to her, asking her out on a date, courting her, and having a relationship with her.

Those things don’t require confidence, and if you do have confidence in those areas, it can come across as cold, calculated, and strange. What those things do require, however, is the courage to follow your heart, to feel what’s right, and to share your vulnerable side during the times when you’re in uncharted waters with her.

Kevin Alexander

Kevin Alexander is a no-nonsense dating expert and coach based in Edmonton, Canada.  He works mostly with shy, introverted nice guys who are tired of finishing last with women, and are ready to start finishing first with women.  He is the founder of Nice Guy Dating, which features products, services, and a blog entailing dating details from his own life and from the lives of others.  Find him at, email at, and follow him at @niceguydating.

What Do You Think?

3 Comments | Join the discussion

  • TJ Nov 21, 2015 at 2:55 am

    I like your article only bc, a man is polarized for raising his own child!
    I never had a biological father, I had so many, stand in daddys, & a mother who raised me $finacially, w/my brother & sister. At 16 yrs I was married! Now, 49 & 4 sons later, & a divorce, I believe my mother was/still is a great mother & grandmother! My only regret, is NOT meeting my mother’s mother…,

  • Deidra Nov 16, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Great article Kevin! I also used to be shy & insecure around the opposite sex, then a class in college turned me around & started me on my road to confidence in talking to people in general also. I agree we may want confidence but I would say about themselves. Comfortable who or what they want type of confidence. A maturity. A man is supposed to lead the home. I’m a strong, successful, independent woman and been married 3 times. There has been no one anymore ready to stand up ready to lead the family. That man does not exist anymore. They don’t raise them like that or there are too many single moms like myself managing with the kids and a full time job.


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