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First and foremost, I just want to let you know – I’ve been there.  If you’re spending your lunch break right now at work (or maybe even awake in the middle of the night) wondering if your girlfriend is cheating on you with her ex, and wondering what to do about it…

Cheating Issue in a Relationship and What to Do About ItThen chances are high you are currently in an all-too-common situation.  I’ve been there.  I know what it’s like. And even though you may be looking for signs to confirm your suspicion, I’d rather lead you down the right path, instead.

Let me explain…

It was the summer of 2008, in the heat of late July, right about the time the season feels like it’s going to switch over into the warm, breezy lull of August.  I had just gotten back from a trip traveling around Europe when I met the woman of my dreams.  5’6”, blonde, green eyes, slender, athletic, educated, a bit of a free spirit – my kind of girl.  I was in love, and I fell hard.  To boot she even broke up with her boyfriend of one year to be with me.  As far as I was concerned, I had it made with this woman.

But that’s when the trouble started just a few short months later.

Is She Cheating On Me With Her Ex?

Soon enough, I started to notice the signs.  The ones that have lead you here, and the ones that you’re looking to confirm right now:

  • She seems distanced from you
  • She seems distracted around you
  • Spending more and more time with her ex
  • Intimacy has slowed down (and will stop, if it hasn’t already)
  • She seems to be spending a lot more time with her female friends than usual (to ask them what she should do in her situation)

Sound familiar?

It’s because she is cheating on you (to whatever degree you’d like to consider cheating).

Her cheating on you could mean anything, and it’s as flexible as she would like to stretch her own definition of cheating to make herself feel better about what she’s doing.  It’s not right, and I agree with you, but please know that what people should do isn’t always what people end up doing.

What’s the right path that I spoke about earlier?  Walk with me, dude.

It Was All My Fault

When I look back and think about that time back in 2008 and how I handled the situation, I realize fully and completely that it was 100% my fault.

What I learned, is that a girl has needs:

  • Mentally
  • Emotionally
  • Physically
  • Spiritually

If I, as a man, do not meet her needs in all four of those areas, she will seek them out somewhere else.  Now, as a man you need to have those needs met, too.  And you’ll seek out those needs being met, no different than her.  I know it may be hard right now, but please do try to not be angry with her (or with yourself – this is how we learn, and now we can handle this).

The Next Steps

Write out what it is that you think she’s doing with her ex.

Whatever it is will lead you to understand what you need to change about yourself first.  If you do not change what sent her back to him, the same thing can happen again (and probably has happened before).

The other point to recognize is that if she was with her ex for longer than the two of you have been together, then she’s always going to be longing to return back to where she’s comfortable.  Notice, I didn’t say better off.  I said, comfortable.  She knows his habits, his ticks, and what they’re going to fight about.  It’s predictable.

Most importantly…

Do not accuse her of anything, do not confront her, and know that both will not help the situation.  In fact, it will just make it worse.  If you feel that she is cheating on you, then she probably is, and it is best to walk away, end things, and work on yourself to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.

Kevin Alexander

Kevin Alexander is a no-nonsense dating expert and coach based in Edmonton, Canada.  He works mostly with shy, introverted nice guys who are tired of finishing last with women, and are ready to start finishing first with women.  He is the founder of Nice Guy Dating, which features products, services, and a blog entailing dating details from his own life and from the lives of others.  Find him at, email at, and follow him at @niceguydating.

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