So, to start, I want to share a story with you. I went out to a birthday party a couple of weeks ago and noticed a couple in their early fifties. She looked radiant, sexy, and confident. He seemed grounded, strong, and relaxed.
They were a great-looking couple!
Being the woman I am, I found myself thinking, “I wonder how long they’ve been together.”
Later that night we got to talking, and they told me – get this – they met in high school, got married in their early twenties, had two children who were grown now, and were about to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary!
I just had to ask what their secret was.
What had they been doing all these years to keep such a deep love, passion, and connection alive for more than thirty years?
When I asked, her eyes lit up and I could tell she was about to launch into something fabulous. Meantime, he relaxed back into his chair with a knowing smile on his face while she shared their story and their secrets to a successful, long-lasting marriage.
I’ll tell you more about them later….
Let’s face it. When you first fall in love, everything feels totally fantastic!
The time you spend together is precious, your partner is the hottest thing on the planet, you can’t get enough of each other, and you feel so deeply connected that NOTHING could drag you apart.
The love, passion, and connection you share feels easy and natural, NOT something you have to “think” about.
But with divorce rates skyrocketing and the rate of marriage declining, it’s pretty obvious that falling in love and maintaining a healthy, happy, passionate, loving, long-term relationship are two very different things.
So what’s the problem?
Why doesn’t love last?
Why do the fires of passion burn out over time?
What is it that kills the connection?
Well, what I’m about to say may NOT be what you want to hear… but bear with me.
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Despite what most “Relationship Experts” will tell you, there really is NO magic pill and NO cookie cutter “formula” that will “keep you together forever.”
Sorry to bust your bubble.
What I can tell you is that in more than twelve years of working with women and couples from around the world, I’ve discovered some essential ingredients that give your relationship the maximum chance, not only of surviving the long-haul journey of life, but truly thriving!
There are ways to keep the fires of passion burning until you’re old and gray.
And there are ways to enjoy ever-deepening love and connection that lasts.
So if you want a relationship that really is an embodiment of real love, deep passion, and authentic connection, then read on.
My invitation is that you use this as an opportunity for self-discovery as well as learning new and powerful ways to BE in relationship. Yes, I’ll share with you the love, passion, and intimacy secrets that have worked for my clients from around the world. But they’re only useful if you use them.
Your job will be to take them from this book, feel them in your own body, and practice them in your own unique way, in your own life and relationship.
So right now, before we even start, let’s get something clear. (You might want to grab a pen and paper to answer these for yourself.)
- WHY are you reading this?
- WHAT do you really want that you don’t have now?
- WHY is it so important for you to make a change?
- WHY is it so important for you to experience more love, more passion, or more connection in relationship?
- What would it give you? What would it mean for you?
Answer these questions whole-heartedly and really feel the answers in your body. If you do that, then I promise you, you’re already half way there, because to be that real and honest with yourself takes courage and commitment. And that’s the first step to creating your own magic!
…No magic pill required.
I’ve seen this self-made magic happen over and over again with couples I’ve worked with who have reignited the passion after many years of marriage. Others have transformed turbulent times into the deep open-hearted connection they’d always yearned for, and even couples who thought it was definitely the END of their relationship fell more deeply in love than ever before!
It all starts with you.
Whether it’s deeper love, passion, or connection you want more of in your relationship, the key is to explore and embody love, passion, and connection in relationship with yourself first. Then you can carry that into relationship.
So to get the ball rolling, let’s talk about love.
LOVE – The Real Deal
Let’s cut to the chase here.
People say you’ve got to love yourself first, and that you can only love someone as much as you love yourself.
I agree with that.
I also think it’s more than that.
Here’s my take on love. I encourage you to read it and make up your own mind about what love is to you so you can live love in your own unique way, in your life and relationship.
Having explored life, love, and intimacy for over twenty years now, through yoga, meditation, personal development, tantra, relationship, and my own everyday living, I’ve come to believe that who we are at the core of our being IS love.
Perhaps you might call it consciousness or spirit. That’s okay. Call it what you like.
The truth is that we are something beyond our mind, beyond our emotions, beyond our body, and I believe that when we allow that love, consciousness, freedom (whatever you want to call it) to shine though our actions and words, we’re truly living as an expression of the essence of who we are.
Through my work with some great teachers and embodying these principles in my own life and work, I’ve also experienced firsthand how the masculine tends to identify with that essence as a feeling of freedom while the feminine tends to identify with is as love.
This is essential in understanding the underlying motivations of men and women beyond the Mars-Venus stuff. Men who identify more with the masculine will do anything to feel free, and women who identify more the feminine will do anything for love.
…Until they each realize that the essence of who they are IS love and freedom, so there’s nothing to “get,” but everything to BE.
And in the moments that we open ourselves to remember and experience ourselves AS love (or freedom, whichever feels right for you; let’s call it love here for simplicity’s sake), we’re able to share that love unconditionally. The sharing of this love could be giving or receiving. Either way, we’re communing in a shared expression of that which we really are.
And it feels really frickin’ good!
There are levels of relationship maturity you must grow through within yourself, in order to give and receive love unconditionally.
Firstly, you’ve got to let go of the need to get love. Otherwise you get trapped in power games: waiting to get love, doing things to get love, and then feeling resentment when you don’t get love. Love becomes something you bargain for rather than share in. You feel powerful when you feel “loved” and disempowered when you don’t.
The only way out of that is to do the inner work necessary to heal your patterns of unloving, and to re-anchor yourself in the intrinsic knowing that you are not only worthy of love, but that you are love at your core. From that place of inner fullness and freedom, you can create healthy boundaries in life and relationship which empower you and the one you’re with.
This, then, forms the basis of a love that lasts.
It’s also important to know your partner and how they feel most loved. Is it when you do something for them? Is it when you say something? Or touch them in a certain way? Get to know how your partner feels most loved and learn how to artfully gift them with your love and you’ll have the key to their heart.
You’ll also avoid the mistake that a lot of couples make, which is to love their partner in the way they’d most like to be loved and then wonder what went wrong!
I often have couples come to see me claiming that their partner doesn’t love them, but it isn’t that they don’t love them – it’s just because they aren’t loving them in a way that really lights up their “I’m loved” neurons.
For example, she says, “He doesn’t love me. He never gets me flowers or does things for me!” and he says, “But I tell you I love you all the time!”
It’s a mismatch. If he had only realized that she felt most loved when he did things for her, rather than when he said he loved her, he’d be a winner! So take the time to find out how your partner feels most loved, and find creative ways to gift your love unconditionally.
It’s also essential to explore any tension you might have around giving or receiving love. These are learned in early childhood and often done without realizing it.
EXERCISE: Take some quiet time to reflect on these questions and write down the answers as they come to you.
- When and how do you hold back giving or receiving your love in relationship?
- What did you think you were protecting yourself from by doing that?
- What new, empowered decisions could you make around this?
- What resources do you have available to you now to get started?
PASSION – The Secret Source
Most sexually intimate relationships start out with a whole lot of passion because it’s that irresistible magnetic attraction that first makes you notice each other and then draws you irresistibly together.
However, unless you know how to sustain it over time, it tends to disappear. And when that happens, it can be devastating because it really feels like the relationship itself has died.
To make things worse, we’re told by “Relationship Experts” that to “spice things up,” “get the spark back,” or “keep the passion alive” in relationship, we need to…
…go on a “date night.”
…wear some sexy new lingerie.
…have a weekend away together.
…try something “new” in the bedroom.
…spend more “quality” time together.
And the list goes on!
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my coaching practice, it’s this. All of these ideas are great in theory, but in practice, they’re absolutely USELESS… unless you know how to tap into the “source” of deep passion in your relationship.
When you know that, it won’t matter whether you’re making love or doing the dishes, you’ll still know how to create that irresistible magnetic attraction that we’ve come to know and love as passion.
But what if I told you that despite my previous rants about there being no “magic formulas,” that there really is a science to creating and keeping passion alive in your relationship?
What if I could show you a way to keep the fires of passion burning so they never go out again, even amidst the challenges and grind of everyday life?
Okay, then get ready for a pseudo-science lesson on passion!
But before we go there, let me tell you a story about a client of mine in San Francisco because it’s the perfect example of how to get the spark back in one night… naturally, WITHOUT seduction tricks or manipulation.
Geffen was from San Francisco. She and her husband worked together, and the passion between them had slowly been dying over time. They decided to have regular date nights to “get the spark back.” But by the time she called me, she was just about beside herself because the date nights were actually making things worse!
Because Geffen and her husband were making the same mistakes on the date nights that were killing the passion between them in the first place. Except now, to make things worse, they were making those mistakes on a date night that was filled with the expectations of making things better!
Stay tuned next Friday for Part 2 of this three-part series!
You probably don’t know this but there are just THREE things you have to do to “wake up” the romance center of any man’s brain and turn him into the “Romantic Beast” you deserve (and desire so much). . .