By  ·  · 479 Shares

Here’s what I frequently hear couples say, “We just don’t have that same chemistry anymore.  There isn’t any spark in our relationship.”

Relationship Tips and When to Stop Trying to Spice It UpI’m sure they are right but what would happen if we stopped trying to ignite that old spark?

What if we actually said, “That spark is dead and that’s ok?” Crazy? 

Maybe, but here are three reasons to stop trying to re-ignite the spark:

1. When we first ignited the spark in our relationship, we were different people.

We were younger, focused on physical attraction, hopped up on hormones, and probably not thinking beyond getting each other naked.  That’s an amazing time in a relationship but it can’t ever be perfectly duplicated because we are never new to each other again. Now you can either look at that as a horrible loss or an adventure for the future. If you see it as a loss, you will forever be trying to duplicate that original experience and you will forever be disappointed in your relationship.

2. That spark is not a deep chemistry but rather an initial physical reaction to another person.

It’s similar to a rollercoaster ride in that it is pure adrenalin but not really sustainable for the long run. Again, this is great fun but if it lasted at that level for long we would all be out of jobs, without friends, and probably exhausted. Long lasting chemistry comes from the quieter but more profound experience of getting to know someone on so many different levels. That long-term chemistry makes watching your favorite television show together every bit as wonderful as the physical aspects of your relationship. You can choose to think that sounds boring or you can see it as another form of spark and chemistry.

3. Couples who are still together after many years will tell you that it is much less about the spark and much more about patience, commitment, and perseverance.

That may not sound like exciting romance to you yet I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how much better your relationship can be when you stop trying to reignite an old spark and instead try to light new ones. When we let our relationship live in the past we can’t build it into something new for the future. Ultimately if we keep trying to re-ignite, we may actually burn out and kill the relationship.

Sexual chemistry is a must have for most relationships. Yet when we live under the belief that it has to be the same type of chemistry that we had when we first met, we are setting ourselves up for a big chemical let down! Maybe it’s time to redefine what relationship chemistry really is and stop trying to reignite an old spark instead of lighting new ones as we move forward in our relationship.

What if a spark meant finding a hobby that you love to do with your beloved?

Or what if a spark is a really intense, intellectual discussion that lets you see the sexy brilliance of your partner?

What if a spark is watching your partner love your children, your pets, or your family?

What if we’ve been missing thousands of little sparks along the way because we’ve been so focused on that old, one-time only spark?

Movies and television shows might lead us to believe that the intense, brand new spark that we had for each other at the beginning of a relationship, continues on as our relationship matures. I’ve yet to meet a couple where that is the case. However, I’ve met plenty of couples who will tell you that they have grown with each other and found sparks that are every bit as exciting and satisfying as the ones they had when they first met. Sparks abound, you just have to know where to look for them as your relationship develops. Spending your time searching for that “I just met you” type of heat might just be a big waste of your time and energy and definitely not the answer for a long, loving relationship.

Lisa Kaplin

Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist and life coach at Smart Women Inspired Lives.  She helps women get happy, get motivated, and get moving in ways they hadn’t thought possible.  Lisa is a nationally recognized professional speaker on topics such as stress management, parenting, healthy communication, wellness, and women’s leadership.

She is also a blogger and has been featured on Yahoo, Thought Catalog, MSN, Lifetime Moms, Your Tango, and Psychology Today.  Lisa is a happily married mother of three.  You can find her at or

What Do You Think?

No comments yet | Start the discussion

Leave a Comment

Your name will appear above your comment. You may use a “pen name”.