Separated yet dating is a conundrum to me. Call me risk averse, but why add another complication to the mix?
Separated isn’t single, and therefore not available. You’re just not “dateable,” in my book. When someone checks that box on their online dating status, it’s a huge red flag, and my cue to click onto the next profile.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, feels differently. She believes you should move in while the person is still vulnerable. A separated person, she thinks, is your best opportunity. Get em before they get used to single life and feeling like they’re a hot property. She says most people don’t want to be alone; especially if they’re coming out of a long term relationship. Having been married, clearly they’re not a Commitment-Phobe.
I don’t necessarily agree with her line of thinking.
Separated implies a legal and emotional attachment.
Those attachments come with a myriad of ties. Given that, any relationship you embark on is bound to be problematic.
There are thousands of degrees of being separated:
There is separated and sleeping in the same bed
There is separated and living in the same house
There is separated with no divorce in sight.
There is living apart but still enjoying all the benefits; carnal and otherwise
Oh, the excuses people make for not cutting the ties. And, yes, I am aware that some states require a mandatory cooling off period before a divorce is granted.
In which case, are you truly free to date while separated? Won’t dating create even bigger headaches?
Some of the excuses I’ve heard are:
It’s cheaper to keep her
It’s for insurance purposes
We have children together
I love her/him
I’m just no longer in love
Regardless of the reason, you’re not really free to embark on a relationship, at least not the kind I want.
Who wants someone still at the beck and call of their spouse?
What about blurry lines of child custody, and never being sure you’ll have “us” time minus a ringing phone?
What about going out to dinner and wondering if the person next to you is a private eye?
Will the credit card you’re using to pay for dinner appear as evidence in court?
What about never being sure this person is emotionally invested?
He/she may have moved out leaving behind kids, house and dog.
How can he focus on you when he still has loose ends to wrap up?
You’re the home wrecker; a person to be shunned. His friends wouldn’t like you, and you may never, ever meet his kids.
Then there are the financial obligations of someone maintaining two homes and supporting a family. Unless he/she is in a good mental place you’re the therapist. When things shake out, guess who gets left? You know too much.
There’s that, and the kids calling, and the family members taking sides. If you’re marriage minded, count on a very long wait before walking down that aisle.
The more likely possibility though, is after investing time and patience, the two are back on again.