By · @Soflamuse  ·

Separated yet dating is a conundrum to me. Call me risk averse, but why add another complication to the mix?

Separated Man in the Thought of a Single WomanSeparated isn’t single, and therefore not available. You’re just not “dateable,” in my book. When someone checks that box on their online dating status, it’s a huge red flag, and my cue to click onto the next profile.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, feels differently. She believes you should move in while the person is still vulnerable. A separated person, she thinks, is your best opportunity. Get em before they get used to single life and feeling like they’re a hot property. She says most people don’t want to be alone; especially if they’re coming out of a long term relationship. Having been married, clearly they’re not a Commitment-Phobe.

I don’t necessarily agree with her line of thinking.

Separated implies a legal and emotional attachment.

Those attachments come with a myriad of ties. Given that, any relationship you embark on is bound to be problematic.

There are thousands of degrees of being separated:

There is separated and sleeping in the same bed
There is separated and living in the same house
There is separated with no divorce in sight.
There is living apart but still enjoying all the benefits; carnal and otherwise

Oh, the excuses people make for not cutting the ties. And, yes, I am aware that some states require a mandatory cooling off period before a divorce is granted.

In which case, are you truly free to date while separated? Won’t dating create even bigger headaches?

Some of the excuses I’ve heard are:

It’s cheaper to keep her
It’s for insurance purposes
We have children together
I love her/him
I’m just no longer in love

Regardless of the reason, you’re not really free to embark on a relationship, at least not the kind I want.

Who wants someone still at the beck and call of their spouse?

What about blurry lines of child custody, and never being sure you’ll have “us” time minus a ringing phone?

What about going out to dinner and wondering if the person next to you is a private eye?

Will the credit card you’re using to pay for dinner appear as evidence in court?

What about never being sure this person is emotionally invested?

He/she may have moved out leaving behind kids, house and dog.

How can he focus on you when he still has loose ends to wrap up?

You’re the home wrecker; a person to be shunned. His friends wouldn’t like you, and you may never, ever meet his kids.

Then there are the financial obligations of someone maintaining two homes and supporting a family. Unless he/she is in a good mental place you’re the therapist. When things shake out, guess who gets left? You know too much.

There’s that, and the kids calling, and the family members taking sides. If you’re marriage minded, count on a very long wait before walking down that aisle.

The more likely possibility though, is after investing time and patience, the two are back on again.

Still thinking of giving separated a try? Only you can decide.

Marcia King-Gamble

Romance writer, Marcia King-Gamble originally hails from a sunny Caribbean island where the sky and ocean are the same mesmerizing shade of blue. This former travel industry executive and current world traveler has spent most of life in the United States. A National Bestselling author, Marcia has penned 26 books and 6 novellas. Her free time is spent at the gym, traveling to exotic locales, and caring for her animal family.

Visit Marcia at www.lovemarcia.com or “friend” her on Facebook. Marcia’s latest release, a novella “Islands Apart” is available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and on Apple.

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What Do You Think?

7 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Rhonda Dec 9, 2014 at 10:16 am

    I am in a committed relationship (we’ve both stopped seeing other people and had the talk) with a “separated” man. The papers have been signed, there is no chance that they will get back together. She left him for another man, moved the new guy in and bought a dog. There are no children involved. (before you chew me out – oddly to “her” I am the other woman even though she’s moved on and in love) While 80% of the time, we are BOTH scared to move forward (and trust me, my guard is up that this could still be a rebound) and realize that the legalities aren’t finished, he feels like they’ve not been anything more than roommates for several years. He has to still talk to her for bills, personal belongings, blah blah… but every time they talk – its a major fight about who was the bigger jerk. As much as I should have run, I didn’t, guessing the outcome is ahead. It could be messy, it could be easy. But, I am happy, and it seems he is too. I’m not in love with him yet, and he is not with me. It’s only been a month and its exciting and terrifying too (for both of us). I would love to get some opinions, so please don’t hold back.

    Reply
  • Nina Oct 31, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    Depends of course on the kind of a relatiobship you want and if you are into casual dating or casual sex, with no strings attached, then separated person is a way to go, but to me anyone separated is definitely not the first choice. He needs to finish up with his ex before he moves on. Plus anyone divorsed with young kids isn’t a good option. Let’s face it, he’s stuck for years ahead with alimony and other parenting responsibilities that can prevent him from fully committing to a new family. Plus, if he could leave a woman with kids what on Earth would stop him from leaving youn once things get tough?

    Reply
  • Deb Oct 31, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    My husband and I are “separated”. For the last 2 years, we’ve been living apart in 2 different residences in 2 different states. Our communication is rare, and occurs only through text messages and/or email, and we’ve not seen each other in the last 9 months. A formal separation agreement is just weeks away from being signed, and the dissolution of our 38-year marriage will follow shortly thereafter.

    While I no longer consider this man to be my “husband”, I am still legally married to him and therefore, I am off the market. After all, if I begin dating and potentially, fall for someone and carry on a relationship, how would my behavior be any different or more righteous/justified than my husband’s infidelity? I’d much rather wait until my marriage is officially over before I contemplate getting involved with anyone else.

    Reply
  • Leo Oct 31, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    I see this as like a rebound relationship. Its to feel a sense of security, a way of hiding, a way of hurting, a way of trying to fill a void where your ex once was. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants to feel like they belong in someone’s life and feel appreciated.

    Reply

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