Is your partner too focused on sex? Sending text messages and emails filled with erotic content every day?
Much of the time while you’re on the phone, he is expressing wanting to “plant one on you” or “get you into bed naked.” Was it sexy and a turn on in the beginning? Do you want him to stop? And why do you want him to stop anyway? Aren’t you supposed to appreciate the fact that he desires you so much?
This all-to-common dilemma is something I see in my practice whether it’s a new couple discovering what their relationship dynamics actually are, or a seasoned long-term couple with a significant difference in desire for sexual connection; one of them is wanting sex more often, in different positions and is ready to wake up yet-to-be-explored aspects of their sexual selves and the other has turned the dial way down and is focused elsewhere.
One thing we know for sure, a healthy relationship includes a healthy sexual connection. I am sure there are some couples who say that they are fine without sex but most couples do want their lives to include sexual expression – powerful orgasms, pleasure, and the deep, juicy, heart-expanding experience of being naked with the one you love.
So what to do if there’s a distinct mismatch in sexual drive and desire? Especially if you feel your partner is too focused on sex.
The first thing to do if you feel your partner is too focused on sex is talk about this sensitive topic directly.
It’s quite possible you are having a miscommunication. Perhaps he thinks you are actually turned on like you were when you first met. Perhaps sexting is a strategy that he believes will work to get you in the sack? But if he knew that it was a turn off instead of a turn on, he may stop.
It’s important to clear up any miscommunication that’s going on. I find couples do things often out of habit. They get lost in time somehow and keep doing the same things that worked years ago. I also find couples do things because they think the other wants them to. I can’t say how often this belief is incorrect. When they finally sit down and talk about it, they are surprised at how wrong their thinking was; how relieved they are to hear the truth.
However, when you speak about sex and desire directly and honestly, do so without rejecting him. Men are sensitive to rejection especially when it comes to sex. Appreciate him for appreciating you. After all, his attraction and desire for you is a compliment. Just not one that’s landing in your heart and drawing you closer.
Second, let him know that you love that he loves you.
Love and sex are two distinct aspects of relationship yet many people have them confused and see them as one in the same. When giving feedback to your partner about the way he expresses his sexual desire, be sure to remind him that you love him. And you know that he loves you.
Women often back themselves into a corner wanting to be heard and met when it comes to their sexual needs. Instead of communicating specifically what they want, they end up disconnecting from their partner altogether. Having a safe and sacred space to have these delicate conversations will be helpful whether a therapists office, or a workshop you’re attending, or a quiet child-free, distraction-free area in your home.
Let him know what is sexy to you. If you feel your partner is talking about sex too often, sending erotic messages that aren’t reaching you or it feels like he’s trying to get you into bed naked all the time, let him know what your turn ons actually are. When he knows what is sexy to you, and what turns you on (in life), he will be better able to meet you there. Maybe walking in nature, hand-in-hand and sharing deep thoughts together is the perfect foreplay for you. Perhaps erotic stories do turn you on but you would rather he set up a candle lit dinner and read the story to you (instead of sending it to your telephone.) Be specific, be clear and give him something to work with.
And last but certainly not least, become aware of your boundaries and communicate them.
Men and women are different species in many ways. And boundaries are as unique as each individual. Take time to consider your boundaries: When do you feel open to hearing about his sexual desire? What time of day do you like to be sexual? What else do you desire in relationship? Communicating your sexual, emotional, and physical boundaries has the power to create a super-healthy loving relationship or destroy it.