Are you in a sexual rut? Feeling like there is no easy way out? Are you stuck in patterns of sex-less or sex-lows that do not feel good to you?
Bored in the bedroom? Not-so-spicey in the sack?
Are you ready to climb, or rather, leap your way out of the groove you have been making in your sexuality with your partner?
The one that feels impossible to change and leaves you wondering if you should continue the relationship or run for the hills?
When you first meet adrenaline, oxytocin and endorphins are basically driving your every move. New relationship energy feeds your sexual drive like there truly is no tomorrow, and you need to suck every bit of energy including his or her entire body before the moon rises and the sun next awakens you. Most of us would agree that sex in the beginning of relationships is ecstasy.
Over time, however, when your hormones settle down and the two of you settle into being a couple, your sexual excitement for each other shifts, the new relationship energy isn’t so new anymore. Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity,” gracefully talks about this. She says, “….too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
“Even good sex can become routine,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of “She Comes First. ” “You may have an orgasm every time, but it’s a little mechanical and boring because it’s always by the same route.”
Between your hormones settling down, the mystery of new relationship not so mysterious anymore and routines that can become boring, most couples end up in a sexual rut at some point in their relationships; often more than once.
What to Do When This Happens to You Is the Question.
As a psychotherapist and sex coach, I see this dynamic in 90% of the couples that choose to work with me. After years of working with hundreds of relationships, I’ve narrowed it down to five ways to climb out of the sexual rut and spice it up in the sack once again.
#1: Stop What You Are Doing!
From this point forward after reading this article with your partner, stop what you have been doing over and over again. Commit now, in this very moment, to stop the ways you’ve initiated sex, had sex (or not had sex), the way you “always orgasm” or the order in which you make love (first I touch her here, and then there.)
#2: Tantric Give/Receive Exercise Is Next
This is an important exercise and one to be taken seriously. It has the potential to have significant impact on your love life and your sex life. Decide who’s turn it is tonight and spend 20 minutes together whereby one person gives and other person receives. There is no reciprocation or mutual, consensually-agreed upon sharing. The receiver decides exactly what she wants and makes a request (or several during the 20 minute time-frame.) You can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ of course but if you are a ‘yes’ then authentically give to her in the ways that she invites during the entire 20 minutes.
Be clear, this is not a prelude to sex; this is not foreplay or a seduction challenge. This is an agreed upon boundary exercise that has the potential to super charge your desire to the moon and back! Decide on how many nights you will do it and rotate between you.
#3: Bring Back the Mystery!
There were lots of things your partner wasn’t privy to when you met.
Remember when you didn’t share the bathroom or shower together to save water?
Some things, many things, are better left unshared. Most couples start as lovers, become roomies and stop having sex. The erotic needs oxygen, it needs to breathe, it needs space and it needs mystery!
Bring the mystery into your relationship once again. Back up from the things you are doing “because you’re comfortable” — unfortunately the erotic loves dis-comfort.
What’s that secret lingerie you are wearing underneath your work attire?
Flowers hidden in her bed?
A new sex toy neither one of you has ever seen before?
The sky is the limit here! Go for it!
#4: The Kama Sutra Has Some Good Ideas in It!
Try different positions; even ones you’ve never dreamed of before. Share your fantasies with each other – you know, the ones you swore you would never tell anyone? Be playful, try new positions, role play each others’ fantasies and laugh as much as possible.
# 5: Choose Love
Be careful not to blame and shame your partner because of the sex rut you are in. It is no one’s fault and both of you contributed to what’s happening right now. It takes two to Tango and two to untie the knot you are in (a little help from a therapist goes a long way of course.)
Choose love. Acknowledge that you are in a rut, commit to making a change and remaining CURIOUS about how (and what the end result will be.) Choose to love each other and support each other in moving forward. Careful not to make it one person’s responsibility to “fix” things. Working on this together is connecting and ultimately that is what you want to create more of — loving connection.
For support shaking things up in the sack moving from boredom to bliss, see my bio below and visit my website.