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I’ve been hearing a lot of stories recently about bad behavior after a good first date. So I thought it might be worth writing about what is inappropriate, lacking in boundaries, or even down right creepy.

Here are a few actual situations (with the names changed to protect privacy).

1. Inappropriate

At the end of a good first date Brian kissed Diana good night. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, in fact when he tried to use his tongue she pulled back and closed her lips. She liked him, and said she would go out with him again; but she wasn’t thoroughly attracted to him yet.

The next morning he sent her this text, “Good morning Diana, I’m still tasting your kisses…Mmm”

Diana didn’t reply.  She called me to say, “Eww gross!”  She was completely turned off.

Brian’s words were inappropriate given the level of intimacy they had currently achieved.  Diana felt sexualized. She had enjoyed his company and found him intriguing; therefore such an explicit text seemed out of context. She lost respect for him—and he lost the opportunity for a second date.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard something like that.  I don’t know what the men are thinking by talking about kissing when they really haven’t yet, but women don’t like it.

2. Lack of Boundaries

David didn’t even wait till the first date was over before he got overly familiar. His date, Kelly, pulled out her phone to show him a picture. As she searched for the image he started looking over her shoulder and asked, “Who’s the muscly guy taking a selfie?”

That was probably an attempt at humor, but it came off as huge red flag that he is jealous and possessive, maybe even controlling.  It’s none of his business who is on her phone; he shouldn’t have even been looking.

Kelly left her phone on the table though she ignored it when it made a soft noise (indicating she got an email). David said, “Somebody’s trying to reach you.”

Until you’re in an exclusive relationship there should be a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. It’s none of your business who the other person sees, speaks to, knows, or has pictures of.  And even after you are exclusive, his or her phone is private personal property.

3. Down Right Creepy

Lisa was excited to meet Nick for drinks. It was their first date but they had initially met at an event where they’d spoken and got to know each other a bit. She really liked him. They both had crazy busy schedules so the only time they could both be available was for just an hour at 11pm (that’s fairly normal in Manhattan). Lisa had an early morning meeting and made it clear she would turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

I guess that gave Nick the impression he had to act fast, because within two minutes of Lisa’s arrival Nick had his hands all over her.  He tried to go up her skirt, and grabbed at her chest.  A few minutes later he actually took her hand and put it on his crotch! Lisa was trying to have fun with him but she was absolutely freaked out.

Then he started blowing up her phone.  He sent four texts later that night, called at 6:30am, and sent sexually suggestive texts all day long—for three days.  Lisa called me in a panic asking how to make him stop. She was scared to tell him he was coming on too strong, she was afraid of how he might behave if he got angry.

If you have a good date and he or she seems to like you, slow the pace of communication and intimacy.

Here are my suggestions:

  • A call or text two or three times a week is normal.
  • Don’t call or text before 10am or after 8pm.
  • Assume that he or she is dating other people.  
  • If you left a message or sent a text wait for a response before communicating again.
  • If you haven’t had sex then don’t send anything sexual (including kissing) in writing.
  • Less is more for the first few dates.

I believe the man should initiate all communication, but you can respond as soon as you want.  If you’re looking for an emotionally intimate relationship then you want someone who is communicative. If a person is turned off by healthy communication, you don’t want that person anyway.

Do you wish you knew what men were thinking when they say and do certain things? Check out WhyHeLies.com to finally understand the way men communicate and the real meaning behind their words.

Donna Barnes

Donna is a life and relationship coach certified by New York University, and Founder of Donna Barnes Dating. She is the relationship expert for Good Morning America and Nightline, and author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices.

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What Do You Think?

11 Comments | Join the discussion

  • Laura May 19, 2017 at 9:29 am

    Interesting website with good advice. Myself, since I can tell within five minutes of meeting a person if there is a connection, for the first date I insist upon meeting for coffee. Since there is no alcohol involved, no long dinner or movie, I can see the person for who they are and avoid placing myself in a situation where I will receive unsolicited touching. And if I don’t have a connection, I can cut the meeting short without giving my number or email to the person thus avoiding the issues mentioned in this post.

    Reply
  • jamee Dec 20, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Oops! Typos above but you get the gist.

    Reply
  • jamee Dec 20, 2013 at 11:31 am

    PS. I could not help notice the irony in Em’s name. Glip the coin anf flip the initials. ..too much ego gets you no long term satisfaction.

    Reply
  • jamee Dec 20, 2013 at 11:29 am

    I think Em you are approaching this situation in a very selfish manner. Flip the coin and see how you would feel. It goes both ways. I did not want to assume you already communicated your intentions with this great conversationalist guy but imagine if you were him. I’m a female too but guys are equally hurt. No wonder there seems to be lack of trust in this world if people are being used. AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. ..using another human being to gain perspective. What hoes around comes around. ..don’t be surprised then if it happens to you.

    Reply
  • em Oct 6, 2013 at 1:43 am

    I see him as a future good friend cause +lm not looking for a serious relationship.I just want to understand men on dating and relationship.And I think he’s the person who can asnwer my questions..I just want truth and franks anwers although truth hurts but I still believe in good communication and honesty. And think he can give a good answer cause he’s intelligent and good conversationalist.Should I call him?3rd day of no call from him since the first date.thanks a lot

    Reply
  • em Oct 6, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Hi Donna,
    Just want to ask for an advice.I’ve met a guy online. We chat for days then exchange numbers & calls me afterwards.He’s very eager to know me,asks things,shown interests and invited me for a date.@ first I wasn’t interested in him but i’ve discovered how intelligent he was so my interest grew and curiosity tells me to say yes for a date.
    So he ask me again to meet him in a coffee shop and I say Yes to him,beforehand he also asked me for a movie and a date in a bar.But i’d say no to the two cause he’s still a stranger to me. We’ve finally met,i’m not attracted physically but we’ve had a 2.5 hour good conversation over a cup of coffee.Then we’ve decided to go home.We bid goodbyes and He kissed me on the cheek.Now, is the 3rd from the first date & he doesn’t give a call.
    Is it ok if,I ask him what is wrong with me to clear my mind & I want honest answer cause I see him as a good friend to be and want to learn more from a person like him. thanks.

    Reply
  • Paula Oct 5, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Yeah fair comment Phil I’ve got my share of war stories too but I’m sure there are one or two about me as well lol!

    Reply
  • Marilyn Oct 5, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Great article! Add online dating sites to the mix and you get it on steroids.

    Reply
  • olivia oswald-taite - Oct 4, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    How do I get my friend to be more than this ?

    Reply
  • Phil Oct 4, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Hmm, no examples of women screwing it up after a first date. Got to be fair you know.

    Reply
    • Sarah Greiner   Phil Oct 4, 2013 at 7:03 pm

      Phil,

      Maybe you could provide some examples for us.

      Thanks,
      Sarah

      Reply

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