I received an email from a reader this week asking really great questions about sexual chemistry and what potentially gets in the way of heart-open connection. She asked a question many of you ask, “how do I know if it’s right?”
More specifically, Sally wrote, “Robyn, What do you do when you have the “good-on-paper, treats-you-right, everything-you-asked-for-on-your-list” guy, but there’s no zing, no anticipation of seeing him, no butterflies? But you don’t know if it’s him or if it is because you are broken and that part doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m not ready for a relationship? Can people learn to have the spark, or is it just there or not? If so, why does one person have it and not the other? Any advice or wisdom to offer would be very helpful!”
My first response was this: Good on paper is just that “good on paper.” Chemistry, and that feeling of soul connection, make what is “good on paper” a total and complete zing ’til your heart is on fire!
Also, important is to feel into what parts of yourself are protecting you and why. If you are aware of a fear of intimacy and a fear of deep connection and you know there’s a part of you getting in the way of opening up to the butterflies and the ZING – then coaching or therapy could be tremendously helpful. Even if it doesn’t land you in intimate relationship with this person, it will prepare you for partnership in the future.
P.S. No part of you is ever broken. Ever. Healing is always available….in the right time, right space, with the perfect support for YOU.
Now, let’s look at this a bit more deeply…
What do you do when you have the “good-on-paper, treats-you-right, everything-you-asked-for-on-your-list” guy, but there’s no zing, no anticipation of seeing him, no butterflies?
#1. Write an Erotic Embodiment List:
Take about 20 minutes and write down all the things that turn you on. From the wind in your hair when you ride a bicycle, to soft touch, to being tied up. What turns you on? A sunny day, someone brushing your hair, massage, role playing? Know yourself inside out, without judgment – what turns you on?
#2. Make a List of What Turns You On About Your Partner:
Be complete about it – include physical, emotional, spiritual, sensual, sexual, playful, and more.
#3. Are You Truly Attracted to Your Sweetie?
Were you attracted when you met? Are you telling yourself you “should” be but not feeling it?
How do you know if it’s him or if it is because you are broken and that part doesn’t work?
First of all, no one is ever broken. We all have parts of ourselves that were wounded in the past, usually in our family of origin. Betty Martin, PhD in Sexology, says that none of us have grown up without having several experiences of being touched in a way that made us uncomfortable. Whether it was sexual abuse or simply someone mishandling us in infancy, we have all had some kind of body trauma as a child. And these wounded parts need protection for survival.
As we mature and become adults, we need to do our own healing work in order to heal the past. Sometimes these “protective parts” block our hearts from opening up to deep connection and partnership. Sometimes they block us from being vulnerable. Sometimes this is unconscious until we experience a relationship wake-up call as Sally may be having. She seems to be aware that there is possibly something inside her that is an obstacle to true intimacy.
Can people learn to have the spark, or is it just there or not?
I believe that couples can learn the tools to bring on the spark and the zing! Tantra is all about that. Tantra is a set of tools that teach us to open our energy centers that may be blocked by our wounded histories and gently use our energy consciously for connection. We can create that spark with sound, with movement, with breath and with a combination. We can get our energy moving inside our own bodies and then share that energy with a partner. We can create zing and spark – no doubt!
In a prior article, I wrote I discuss what Tantra is and how it can help your relationship. Click here to read the whole article. In summary, the here are the top 5 benefits to bringing Tantra practice into your relationship and bringing the ZING back!
Top 5 BENEFITS Tantra:
- Bring the spiritual and the sexual together and uplift yourself and your relationship.
- Feel loved by your sweetie and learn to share love, the verb.
- Come together in relationship instead of continuing on as two ships passing in the night.
- Expand your orgasmic experiences by learning how to use your breath and your body to ignite your sexual energy.
- Presence is a practice; Tantra invites you into a focused, open-hearted, presence where the world slows down and everything in the way of deep intimacy fades into the background.
In a world where a deli offers 67 different sandwich choices and the local movie theatre has 15 options, and divorce takes 90 days, it can be easy to step out of a relationship before giving it everything it, and you, deserve. I am not suggesting you stay past the relationship expiration date. I am saying that doing the inner, healing work can often remove the obstacles to deep connection. And that Tantra is a wonderful path to bringing back desire when it has waned.