How to make her KNOW you love her
Today I want to talk about the secret“relationship killer” that crawls inside a woman’s mind and makes it impossible for her to be happy no matterwhat you do.
Daniel Murphy asks…
“Mike, how do I make my girlfriend feel 100% secure that I love her without CONSTANTLY having to compliment her and tell her everything nice she needs to hear? I love her like crazy but she never seems to believe me.”
Believe me, I feel you. I’ve got an amazing (and confident) girlfriend now, but before that I fell into the same trap you’re in now.
It seems like every day, my now-ex-girlfriend would look at me with a quivering lip and say “Do you REALLY love me? REALLY?”
And I’d spend huge amounts of my time reassuring her, telling her what I loved about her and secretly feeling my attraction and love for her evaporate like an open beer on a hot day.
Back then I thought it was just her (or that I was a really bad boyfriend), but when I got into this relationship business I found out that most women OBSESS about how their boyfriends or husbands REALLY feel about them (while us guys are mostly concerned with her being happy and us having a good day to day relationship.)
Hell, when I surveyed my women’s email list for my “WhyHeLies.com ” program a little over a year ago the number one thing women wanted to know more than anything else was “Does he REALLY love me???”
And the most popular video I ever did for women is called “7 Ways To Know if he REALLY loves You” (you can check it out here, though it’s really not for you: 7 Ways to Know Video)
OK, so now that we know that it’s not JUST your girlfriend who needs constant reassurance, let’s discuss WHY women feel this “Toxic Insecurity” and what you as a guy can do about it.
Why She’s So Insecure
Let’s talk really quickly about how guys look at relationships versus how women look at relationships.
Most guys are “Present Focused” when it comes to dating and relationships.
We focus on how things are RIGHT NOW, if we’re happy RIGHT NOW and if the relationship we’re in is giving us what we need physically and emotionally RIGHT NOW.
But women are different.
Now, there’s evolutionary reasons for this (all about women trying to find a mate who will stick around and raise the damn kids) . . .
But while men are PRESENT, focused and tend to take relationships day to day, rarely thinking more than a week or a month ahead, women are FUTURE focused.
That means that every moment of every day women are OBSESSING over whether their relationship will last “forever” or not . . .
If they chose a guy who will hold onto and protect them.
And if they can feel safe enough to relax and give you the love, respect and adoration you want.
If she’s acting insecure and constantly begging for affirmations about how you feel about her it can mean . . .
1. She’s a naturally anxious and insecure person.
2. She’s subconsciously picking up on signals you’re giving that you’re actually not that into her. (It’s a vicious cycle, since toxic insecurity tends to push guys away. So she’s MAKING you love her less and then picking up on the fact that you’re not as into her as she’d like you to be.)
3. You’re doing an awful job of spontaneously showing you how you feel in a “language” she responds to.
There’s a great (but kind of dry) book out there called “The 5 Love Languages” . . .
I can sum the whole book up in 2 sentences:
There are 5 basic “languages” humans use to show and receive love . . .
• Words Of Affirmation (“I love you.”)
• Quality Time
• Giving Gifts
• Acts of Service (Doing stuff for them.)
• Physical Touch (making love, making out, massage.)
If you and your woman have the SAME love language (and you act on it) things are hunky dory.
You say “I love you,” she hears it and accepts it and everything is great.
But if you’ve got the “Words of Affirmation” love language and she has the “Quality Time” love language, it doesn’t matter how many times you say “I love you,” she’s not going to FEEL loved unless you put the damn phone down and watch Project Runway with her.
So, how do you make a woman feel REALLY loved so you don’t have to go through this anymore?
A couple ways:
1. Help her raise her self esteem. The more a woman (or anybody) likes herself, the less she needs affirmations from others.
If you have “TextYourExBack.com ” or “Text the Romance Back” have her go through “The I Like Myself Game.” (Do it with her.It’s fun.)
2. Figure out her “Love Languages” and “get ahead of the curve” on them.
Pay attention to the times she IS happy and DOES feel loved. What did you do? What category from above does it fit?
3. “Spontaneously” fulfill her love languages without being asked to.
For instance, if she’s a “Quality time” type person, right before you go on a business trip say something like “I get home on Friday and I’m blocking off the whole weekend just to spend time with you.”
4. Refuse to play the “Toxic Insecurity” game.
This is the hardest part. If she does spiral into constantly needing to be reassured you need to refuse to play the game.
Don’t get into a fight. Don’t trip over yourself like a blubbering idiot. Just look at her *calmly,” tell her what you love about her onceor maybe twice and then stop.
I know this sounds a little like training a beagle, but she’ll be much happier and more attracted to you if you stand your ground like the man she’s dreaming of instead of blabbing away like the boy she has contempt for.