Hey it’s Mike Fiore…
Today, we’re going to talk about emasculating men and whether or not women should “let the man win” in certain situations…
If you want to know if a man really loves you for you, check out this quick quiz I created: Does He Love You Quiz
Now, on with the show
I just wanted to ask a question regarding my previous relationship, we were together 4 years and were really happy until circumstances changed and we were long distance and at different stages in our life.
After breaking up my brother made a comment that I would emasculate my ex when we did activities. I want to check I am acting correctly as I wouldn’t want to make similar mistakes in another relationship.
I am not masculine in any way, slim athletic body, 5 foot 3, 8 stone 5, my ex was 6 foot 1, so didn’t think it would be that way. I have always been under the impression that a woman who wants to join in activities and sports is attractive. My ex was very sporty, gyming lots (6 pack etc) excellent cricketer, footballer and keen golfer. I enjoy horse riding and the gym. My family and I have always been active and I have 2 brothers that I grew up with doing cycling and hiking etc. When we are together as a family we would still do these activities, and when my ex was with us I would be better than him. My brothers comment addressed this, saying I shouldn’t have been better and should have let him be the man, is this true?
Woof! What a great question! Let’s dive in…
This problem is your brother’s, not your ex’s.
You and your ex are both athletic and enjoy those activities. From your message, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend mentioned this, or had a problem with you being better than him at certain things. This sounds more like a deep seeded envy from your brother always losing to his sister. I recommend you continue to school him 🙂
Also, you mentioned that it was long distance and being at different points in your lives that ended the relationship. You being awesome in athletic areas wasn’t the reason.
Let’s explore the idea that your ex expressed this to your brother, or your brother noticed something you didn’t about the relationship.
Should You Let the Man Win?
Winning is fun but it’s not fun when you realize that your partner threw the game/activity. There is no joy in knowing that someone held back, just so you could beat them. Well, it might feel great for about 30 seconds, but when reality sets in, it’s worthless.
You are both athletic and I am guessing part of your attraction to each other was the love of these activities and that you enjoyed doing them together. If he was upset that his awesome, athletic girlfriend was better at things than he was, he needs to grow up.
It would be like dating Rhonda Rousey and then being upset every time she kicked your butt in the ring or got you into an armbar in under 30 seconds. (Yes, I know Rhonda lost her last two fights in somewhat horrifying fashion, but she can still kick the crap out of several billion men including me, so whatever.)
The phrase that makes me want to bang my head into the desk, however, is “let him be the man.” It’s outdated. Throughout history we have proven time and time again that women and men are equal and have the ability to do pretty much anything (well, except for birthing babies. That unbelievable feat of strength, love and beauty is only for women and makes them warriors in my eyes and I’m glad they can do it so I never have to).
But what does your brother really mean? Does he want you to not do well and then spend your evening stroking the ego of your man?
Run to him and say things like “Oh, baby, you’re so big and strong!” or “You are so much better than me at physical activities!” or “I guess I’m just not as fast as you because I’m a tiny woman.”
Maybe those are a bit far, but you get my point. Weakening yourself to raise someone else up is crazy.
My wife and I are very athletic and I LOVE that she is better at certain things than me. My wife kicks ass and could kick my ass and seeing her astounding feats of strength turns me into a slavering fanboy grinning from ear to ear at the amazing Valkyrie who chose to be my wife.
If he needs a woman to stroke his ego, or if he needs to be better than her then so he can feel like a man, then he needs to do some serious work on himself.
Don’t get me wrong, stroking the ego of your partner is great, and I highly recommend it, but only when it’s equal and honest. Not when you are weakening yourself to do so.
Did You Rub it in His Face When You Bested Him?
Being better than him is absolutely fine, unless you rubbed it in his face every time. If every time you bested him at an activity you whipped out your victory song and dance, then we have a problem.
First off, that’s just rude… don’t hit someone when they’re down.
Second, that will only grow into envy and hate in his heart. You want to ENJOY the activities you are doing together, not start a competitive rivalry.
Third, if you have a victory song and dance already worked out, you might want to find different things to do with your free time. 🙂
How Do You Make it Even?
Constantly losing can wear on a person, even if you haven’t rubbed it in their face. So you need to find the things that you AREN’T good at but he is.
Make sure your relationship activities have a healthy combination of things that you are good at and that he is good at so you both get to win.
Which leads us to…
Teaching Each Other
Helping each other get better at skills or activities is one of the best things a couple can do. When you do the activity, don’t always have a competition. Spend time teaching and helping each other learn the skill. In fact, we get a question like this all the time about video games.
Last year we had a woman write in that her boyfriend played too much Xbox and didn’t spend enough time with her. One of the things I recommended was for her to ask if she could play with him. Two days later I got an email back saying that her boyfriend was floored. His eyes lit up, “YES! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU PLAY WITH ME!” They spent the entire night playing video games and she didn’t even care that she wasn’t good because he was helping her and they were doing something together. The next night when he got home he didn’t even touch his Xbox. He asked her what she wanted to do. Now, she was floored. She took him through some of the crafts she was making and he helped her and even made his own.
So, Should You Change Who You Are for Future Relationships?
Absolutely not. Embrace your strength. Embrace your speed. Embrace yourself. And if your guy can’t handle it it’s time to find another guy.
P.S. Here’s the link to that quiz again. It’ll change your life.
You probably don’t know this but there are just THREE things you have to do to “wake up” the romance center of any man’s brain and turn him into the “Romantic Beast” you deserve (and desire so much). . .