Hey, it’s Mike Fiore…
In today’s issue we’re going to talk about how to almost instantly get over a guy who broke your heart or who you just can’t have.
1. Did you know there’s one secret sexual skill any woman can use to get a man addicted to you for life? (And you don’t even have to take off your clothes.)
2. I’m looking for some good questions for upcoming newsletters. If you’ve got one send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
And now, on with the show…
Shannon Murray asks on Facebook…
“How do you stop obsessing over a guy you love but know you can’t have? Anybody got any helpful hints?”
Hey Shannon, thanks for your question and I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can feel your heartbreak through the magical tubes of the internet and I’ve certainly felt that horrible “Hamster Wheel” obsession myself in the past.
Here’s what you have to do to get over this guy (even though it’s hard.)
1. Understand What Your Obsession Is Really About… And Realize It’s Not Your Fault
You’re not obsessed with this guy because he’s wonderful, because he’s prince charming, because he’s “The one” or anything like that.
You’re obsessed with him because, as part of the process of falling for somebody, you’d created a fantasy in your mind of what the future with this guy could be.
And when he rejected you (or when he decided not to leave his wife or whatever) that wonderful, dopamine producing fantasy was shattered like a mirror leaving your subconscious mind crying and screaming MOURNING the loss of what could have been.
Now, that obsession SUCKS. And rejection is the biggest wound to the human ego possible, but step one to getting past all this is to understand that falling into the obsession trap isn’t your fault at all.
Somewhere in the long history of humanity our minds evolved incredibly complex neuro-chemical systems that result in the emotions we feel every day.
Having that beautiful future taken away caused your brain to release a flood of chemicals in your brain that make you want HIM more now than you probably ever did before.
I know it feels devastating and real now… that you can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, that the idea of him being with someone else drives you nuts, but…
Just because you feel something doesn’t make it true.
2. Separate Yourself From Your Obsession Using This Cool Mental Trick…
I could ramble on about neuroscience here, but try this:
Next time you feel an obsession “attack” coming on, try mentally stepping back and observing the thought.
Imagine yourself in your mind (picture yourself at your most beautiful, wearing your favorite clothes and at your most powerful.) Make sure the image you have of yourself is standing up straight, is well put together and is SMILING and strong. (It doesn’t matter if you actually feel like smiling or feel strong. Just hold that image in your head.)
Now, imagine the obsessive thought as a seething ball of sparkling, anxious light hovering just a few inches in front of the face of the “you” in your mind.
What color is the ball?
How big is the ball?
What thoughts is the ball causing?
Imagine those thoughts displayed across the surface of the ball.
Notice that the ball of light and the strong, powerful you are actually totally separate things… that your self image and this obsessive anxiety exist as distinct entities.
Don’t try to shut the obsessive thoughts out, but simply observe them.
Imagine your self image taking a step back, further away from the ball.
Then another step.
As your self image gets further from the ball you may notice that the obsessive thoughts get “quieter” and less intense.
Notice how strong your self image is. Notice the smile on her face. Notice how the further your self image walks away from the ball the smaller and dimmer the ball gets.
You might even feel pity for the ball as it continues to fade.
It’s like it’s on a dimmer and the only way it can be so bright and loud is if you DECIDE to give it that power.
Continue to separate that beautiful you in your mind from the ball. You can have your self image walk further away. You can have the ball shrink and suffer. You can imagine the ball being pulled off into space.
The key here is that you shouldn’t bother FIGHTING an obsessive thought…
Instead you should let the obsessive thought be what it is (emotional noise that has nothing to do with reality) and realize that you are not your obsession.
You can do this exercise whenever you want just by closing your eyes, breathing deeply and SMILING. Even if you’re not feeling “happy,” smile anyway. The mind and body are intrinsically connected and just the physical act of smiling will cause your brain to release “happy chemicals” that will help you fight the obsession.
I know, this sounds a bit woo woo and weird, but TRY it. See what happens. Personally, when I use this method I add in a little extra I call the “point and laugh” where I imagine myself pointing and… uhh… laughing at the negative or obsessive thought trying to bring me down.
3. Cut Yourself Off Completely From the Guy
One thing I really hate is when folks decide to “just be friends.”
It’s a simple fact that if one of you has these kind of intense “Love” or “pre-love” emotions going on you can’t and SHOULDN’T try to be “friends” of any kind.
Delete his phone number from your phone (so you don’t send those awful obsessive texts), unfriend him on Facebook, lose his email address.
If he says something about your disconnect, all you have to say in response is “I’m sorry, but I just can’t be your friend right now.”
And that’s it.
I recommend you completely cut off contact for at least 6 months.
4. Turn “He Could Have Been Mr. Right” Into “He’s Definitely Mr. Wrong”…
OK, this happens anyway in relationships but you can accelerate it.
You ever been in a relationship and for the first couple months the guy was PERFECT and then, slowly or when things got “serious” you started noticing his flaws? Heck, some of those flaws just became UNBEARABLE, right and you got into FIGHTS with the guy because of them.
When your subconscious mind tries to TRICK you into thinking he was “the perfect man,” focus on the BAD about him. I’m not saying you have to hate the guy, but take a step outside your rose colored glasses for a minute and look at him objectively…
Is he kind of fat?
Is he a dick to waiters?
Does he have a small penis?
Just like we created an ideal self image before for you to help your self esteem weather this horror, we’re going to create a REALISTIC image of him.
From there you can actually TALK to the obsessive part of your mind and say “Why are you obsessing about HIM? He’s (INSERT BAD THING) and you’re way too good for that.”
5. Realize That You’ve Felt This Way Before, That the Feeling Passed, That the Obsession Was Kind of Silly and That Someday You’re Going to Look Back on This and Giggle…
Think about a time, maybe in college, when you felt this way about a guy. Picture that young woman who truly thought the world was over and that she’d never find anyone as good again.
Then think back to a few years later… and how that pain and obsession was GONE. Heck, you probably have relationships in your past where you’re GRATEFUL that it ended when it did.
6. Find a New Obsession
Now, I’m not saying you should become a stalker or anything.
What I AM suggesting is that you find something else to pour all that PASSION ad ENERGY into.
It could be working out, it could be your job, it could be painting or some hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Whatever it is, whenever you feel an obsessive thought about HIM firing in your head, immediately turn your CONSCIOUS mind to this more POSITIVE thing. Eventually you’ll do it without even trying.
Whew! I hope that little mental toolbox helps you. I know, I know, some of this stuff sounds kind of hippy dippy but it’s all based off of how the human mind works and is basically a method of self-hypnosis.
OK, that’s all we’ve got time for today.
Founder, Digital Romance, Inc