Hey, it’s Mike Fiore…
In this week’s issue I’m going to talk about what to do when you’ve got a husband (or boyfriend) who doesn’t want to have sex anymore…
AND give some harsh advice to a woman who can’t figure out why guys are so rude to her… (ouch.)
“I have been married for going on 31 years. No sex for at least 5. My husband late 50s has no desire nor energy. I have ask and ask for him to get [V Pill] already went thru testosterone evaluation. I finally took him to Dr after months of asking him to get help. We got 3 different pills its been over 1 month I ask constantly for him to try one to no eval. I want sex!
I’m miserable I have made it clear this is not normal if you’re seeing someone else tell me. If you don’t like me tell me and let me go.
I don’t hold back ever.
He says he isn’t. But he ignores my pleas for sex. When we met Sex was fantastic for years!!!!
Should I feel guilty for thinking of a divorce because my husband won’t have sex with me.”
Man, there’s a TON of questions and pieces of horror and wonder in your question, so let’s start at the end and work our way back up to the top…
1. Should you feel guilty for thinking about a divorce because your husband doesn’t want sex anymore?
Honestly, you should never feel guilty for *thinking* anything. Your mind is the one private place in the world you have… and the WORST thing you could do would be to try to deny yourself totally normal thoughts that come up whenever there’s a problem small or big (and this one is big) in a relationship.
Actually, this brings to a quick little tangent on honesty in a relationship.
So many folks seem to think that when you’re in love or when you’re married, you should be 100% completely honest with your partner at all times…
And that’s absolute bullshit.
The fact is we ALL have thoughts and feelings that we SHOULDN’T share with our partners because all sharing them would do is ramp up their anxiety and cause them horrible amounts of hurt.
Am I saying you should LIE to your partner? Not a all. But there’s a huge difference between lying and not reporting every thought that flickers through your mind.
Most of the time when you go the “Brutal honesty” route with somebody, you’re actually just being a selfish dick (it’s way more about you feeling good about being “honest” than it is about being a good partner.)
That brings us to…
2. FIVE YEARS IS A REALLY LONG TIME NOT TO HAVE SEX.
Holy crap. Listen, Anonymous I want to congratulate you because you’ve done your best here.
But going 5 years without sex and intimacy is cruel and unusual punishment. And while your husband may have totally valid reasons (we’ll talk about some possibilities in a second) for not wanting to have sex, it’s completely unfair for him to expect you to spend the rest of your life celibate.
3. So why doesn’t he want to have sex with you?
OK, so let’s dig into the root of the problem here and talk about why your husband seems to have lost interest in sex (or at least in sex with you. You haven’t mentioned if he watches porn or anything like that.)
A. The Sexual Half-life of Masculine Lust
There’s been a ton of studies on this and I don’t have room to go into it deeply, but in a nutshell: Guys get bored. (I mean, women get bored too, but we’re talking about guys here.)
This is going to sound like a cop out to a lot of women, but the fact is that men are hard-wired by evolution to seek sexual variety.
Actually, here’s a funny story about it:
A while back, a friend of mine surveyed a group of men he was doing a seminar for.
He asked them “If you were trapped on a desert island, would you rather have a magazine with naked pictures of 30 different pretty-attractive women, or would you rather have a magazine with 30 pictures of the HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?”
And EVERY SINGLE ONE said they’d want the magazine with 30 different women.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
Now, is that the way things “should” be?
But it’s as much a fact as the sun setting in the west.
The key here is that a man becoming less sexually attracted to his partner over years (and decades) has NOTHING AT ALL to do with how attractive you actually are. (And you sound pretty hot to trot.)
B. The Shame Of Needing A “Crutch”
Of course his waning lust is probably only part of the problem here. His reluctance to get help for this particular issue seems to point to something deeper and the fact that he flat out refuses to use “the pills” with you leads to one big, awful word:
Consciously or unconsciously, your husband probably feels like there’s something “wrong” with needing “help” to be a “man” for you. (Sheesh, can I put more things in quotes?)
Actually taking the pills so he can perform is basically the same thing in his mind as admitting that he’s not able to get the job done and once he crosses that threshold, he may never be able to come back.
4. So Here’s What You Should Do…
You never actually asked for advice on what to do, but I’m going to give it anyway.
FIRST you should tell your husband that you need to go to couples counseling for the sake of your marriage. (And if he refuses… well, that’s not a good sign.)
SECOND you should sit down by yourself and figure out if all the non-sexual components of this marriage are making you happy. Do you feel supported in your relationship? Do you feel satisfied? If the sex were good, would you be happy with your husband?
THIRD you should have a VERY uncomfortable conversation with your husband.
Listen: You’ve done the work. You’ve tried for 5 years to get him to want to be with you sexually again and it’s not working. For whatever reason, sex just isn’t important to him but it IS important to YOU.
So you need to tell him that.
You need to tell him: “I love you, I love the life we’ve had together but I *need* to have sex. I’d rather have it with you, but if you’re not willing you need to give me permission to find it somewhere else.”
Now, I know, the idea of a “open relationship” makes a lot of folks shudder with fear…
But your situation is actually INSANELY common… and there are MANY happily married couples out there who aren’t sexually exclusive… especially after decades together.
FOURTH… if none of that works, if he digs his heels in, if he won’t tell you what’s really going on and won’t get help… well, then you should stop thinking about getting a divorce and you should get one.
Why are men so controlling and so rude while you are making them nice food or treating them to the very thing they like?”
Um, they aren’t. Well, most men aren’t anyway.
There’s one of two things going on here:
Either you’re unconsciously attracted to men who are rude, hard to please and controlling (because some part of you wants the rush of earning their approval.)
You’ve got a overwhelming “caretaker” personality type and the guys you’re with are uncomfortable with being rendered essentially helpless.
I have no idea which one…
But I promise you, it’s not all men.
Founder, Digital Romance, Inc
P.S. If you’ve got a guy who’s lost sexual interest and you want to bring MASSIVE spark back, go watch this video now.