Hey, it’s Mike Fiore with your weekly Digital Romance Newsletter…
This week I want to talk about how to “Close the door” to creepy guys or guys you’re not evenly remotely attracted to so they stop coming on so damned strong and take a hint.
Anonymous asks . . .
“I know you get a lot of questions about how to attract men and keep them, but my question today is about how to say “No” to a man when you don’t share his feelings, or when you’re not sure he’s the one you want.
I seem to respond to a man in one of two ways: I either close off right from the start and don’t give him a chance to develop his interest in me, or I open all the doors unsure how to set limits, and then get overwhelmed by his interest in me and his wanting to know me more, go out with me, share his admiration intensely in words and actions.. etc.
So how can I be receptive and open (which is my nature, I close off only because of fear he might like me when I don’t) and still be setting boundaries and be able to say no without fear, insecurity, awkwardness or cruelty if he wants to take it to the next level?”
Thanks for your incredibly deep, multi-part meta question.
There’s actually a LOT in here, you’re simultaneously asking…
* “How do I get guys I DON’T like to take a damn hint and leave me alone?”
* “How do I take it slow with guys I DO or (might) like so I don’t get overwhelmed and end up blowing the whole thing up.”
And, without even actually asking it, you’re asking…
* “How do I keep from scaring potentially great guys away right off the bat because I’m not SURE he’s the one I want.”
Let’s talk about question 3 first…
If you’ve read this newsletter for a while, you know I get a LOT of emails from women asking how to know if a guy is “The One.”
And if you were reading a month or so back, you know that the whole concept of “The One” is absolute malarky.
For every woman (and every man) on the planet, there’s not “one” but DOZENS or maybe even HUNDREDS of amazing folks you could have incredible relationships with.
Now, if you’re just not even remotely attracted to a guy, that’s totally fine. There’s no reason you should date him and I’ll tell you how to get rid of him and make it 100% impossible for him to misunderstand you in a second.
But if you’re just not “sure” if he’s somebody you want to be with or not (if you’re at least a LITTLE attracted to him, think there’s the possibility that there could be something there and that he could be a great guy) you owe it to yourself and to him to at least give him a SHOT.
Because first impressions are often absolute BS.
When I first met my girlfriend, I was incredibly drunk and dressed like a lounge lizard version of Santa. If she’d let her first impression color what she thought of me and didn’t give me a chance (and if I didn’t pursue her like the grand feast of a woman she is), we wouldn’t be celebrating our 3 year anniversary now.
Yeah, I know. You’re afraid that if you crack that door open even just a little, a guy “won’t take the hint,” will pry it open with a crowbar and suddenly you’ll be his “Girlfriend” without even knowing what the heck happened (and why are you suddenly wearing a French Maid outfit?”)
Which actually brings us to our second question:
How do you take things SLOW with a guy so you don’t get overwhelmed and end up over your head?
Not everybody needs this, but with the track record you’re showing, you need to have some “Dating Rules Of Engagement.”
Your “Dating Rules of Engagement” are just that: *Rules* you have around dating, love and sex that you’re not allowed to bend or break under ANY circumstances no matter what.
These rules are here for a few reasons:
1. To keep you from getting in over your head and either destroying something that could have been good….
2. To keep you from ending up with “The wrong guy” because you don’t know how to say no.
3. To help you maintain your independence no matter what.
Great question. They can vary for everybody, but here’s what I recommend for you:
1. Unless both you and a guy make an EXPLICIT decision to be a couple, you will consider yourself and will continue to act as a single woman (which means being at least a little open to other guys.)
2. For the first TWO MONTHS you’re dating a guy, you’ll set an unbreakable rule to only see him once per week (and only on a scheduled date.)
3. You won’t have sex with a guy for the first month that you’re dating (even if you really want to.) (Making out is OK and really fun.)
4. You won’t agree to be anyone’s “girlfriend” or be a couple with a guy unless you’ve been dating him for at least TWO FULL MONTHS (even if you really want to.)
5. If a guy starts sending you too many texts, emails or phone calls, you’ll enforce a rule of only getting back to him one full day after he messages you.
Like I said, these rules can really vary depending on who you are, but with your level of sensitivity and openness, it seems to me that you really need to set up non-negotiable barriers about how you interact with guys and how much exposure you give your heart.
Which brings us to your FIRST question…
How do you let a guy know that you’re 100% not interested in him and that even though you’re a charming, lovely, emotionally open woman, that does NOT mean he has a chance of sleeping with you…
And the answer is . . .
It’s not only hilarious, but it gets the point across REALLY well and with enough humor that you won’t necessarily completely crush his heart.
Oh, and here’s a BONUS QUESTION, Theo asks…
“Hi Mike I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months and last week I found he would of cheated. Today he said he wants to see me but also asked me what I want from him. Should I put it all in a text or ask to talk it over face to face. Basically I set a honey trap and he went for it. He went to the address I gave him to meet “the girl” but there was no one there.”
You’re asking the wrong question. It doesn’t really matter one iota to me whether you should put everything into a text or if you should see him face to face.
The fact is that for whatever reason, you felt the need to ENTRAP this guy into showing that he “would have cheated.” I don’t know this guy and I don’t know if he actually would have cheated or not (or how much incredible “bait” you put into the messages you sent him, but that’s pretty darned toxic behavior.
Like I say in the “Secret Survey” program, EVERY man and EVERY woman would cheat in the right situation and with the right circumstances (though everybody’s circumstances are different.)
If I found out a girl “Tested” me like that (even if I passed) I’d dump her like a ton of bricks and would never even speak to her again. That’s no way to live and that’s no way to find love.
Founder, Digital Romance, Inc