Hey, it’s Mike Fiore…
This week we’re going to talk about how to tell someone you don’t love them anymore, a surefire way to keep from getting pregnant and how to keep a guy or girl from “flaking out” on you when you have a date.
Here we go . . .
“How do I tell my husband that since we have no emotional or intimate connection, I am leaving.” —Michelle
You do it the same way you told me: flat and simple and straightforward and not dressed up in anger or bitterness or rage at all.
Actually, Nora and I get this kind of question all the time. The “how do I tell my partner” question . . .
- “How do I tell my wife what I really want in bed?”
- “How do I tell my husband what I need from him?”
- “How do I tell a girl how I feel about her?”
And again and again the answer is “You use your words.”
Yeah, I know, it’s scary. I dig it. We all get that petrified feeling in our chest wondering how somebody is going to
react. Or we try to sugar coat things because we think that’s the “nice” thing to do.
But like I always say, often the cruelest thing you can do is try to be kind.
I’m willing to guess right now you and your husband are sleepwalking around each other, feeling miles separating you even in the same bed, wondering what the hell went wrong and how somebody you see every day became a damned stranger.
And you’re not alone. Relationships are hard. Forever is a fallacy. And with jobs and kids and ridiculous expectations we have for relationships these days it’s way too easy for a tiny rift to get as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.
So you pick a night, you clear an hour. You sit down. You look him in the eye. And as kindly as you can you say “I’m not happy. We don’t have any emotional or intimate connection anymore.”
What I’m not 100% sold on is the “I’m leaving” bit. If you guys have talked and talked and worked at it and if you’re 100% sure that it’s over and there’s no chance of fixing things, sure. But nobody deserves to have the “I’m leaving” words dropped without at least being given a chance to make things work.
“ Hey Hi, I need your advice. I have a terrific boyfriend, everything’s great. We do have sex. And we always use protection.
Problem is am really paranoid, so despite that I keep having pregnancy scares, am working my way through.
Engineering School and I can’t afford all that distraction. I want to stop having sex with him but I don’t know how to tell him. I’ve considered breaking up with him but Lord we’ve been together for more than a year and he’s been nothing short of GREAT!!!
Bottom line I know I’m just paranoid, actually very paranoid so I’d like to steer away from anything remotely sexual till am 23, then I’ll be through with my degree and be okay incase of any pregnancy mishaps. I love him but I want to focus on my career. Can’t tell him to wait on for me coz Heck Eng school takes way too long.
Please advise me.” —Angela
Woah. OK, a couple things:
1. Unless you’ve got the world’s most fertile womb, the possibility of you getting pregnant while using (smartly) using protection every time are REALLY, REALLY low.
The vast majority of folks who have accidental pregnancies while using protection end up that way because of “user error” with the protection and if you’re paranoid and fastidious enough to write me this email, I highly doubt it’s going to happen to you.
2. I like how you called the idea of getting pregnant a “distraction.” I have a lot of friends with kids and they certainly do distract a few thousand times a day. Cute though. (Usually.)
So what should you do?Well, you’ve got some options…
I was going to write some funny bit about all the weird ways you could keep from getting pregnant (full body suit, protection-plus-pill plus lots of religious guilt, live in a hermetically sealed space that is 100% ejaculation proof)…
But you could also just redefine what “sex” is.
I was talking to a friend about this recently and he was ranting about how for straight folks it’s not “sex” unless his tab A got put in her slot B…
But there’s lots (and lots) of ways to have sex that have no risk of getting pregnant whatsoever.
Remember: For both men and women, sex is 90% MENTAL and only about 10% about how damned good it feels to push our bodies together.
If you’re willing to get a little creative you’re “not having sex” for a while could actually mean you have a happier sex life than most of your friends.
You sound pretty damned busy. And there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex until you’re ready. If being within 50 feet of his manly emissions is making you have nightmares about needy little bundles, then there’s nothing wrong with taking a few years to focus on your studies.
Up to you, but breathe. The paranoid ones aren’t usually the ones who end up “in that way.”
And finally for today…
“Mike, I need your help, man. I’ve got this girl I’m seeing. She says she really likes me and when we hang out together it’s great. But she’s always flaking out on me. We’ll set a date and then she’ll totally forget about it. Or she’ll show up late. How do I get her to stop flaking on me?” —Charles
Um. She’s just not that into you.
Or maybe she is and she’s just one of those people who’s late for everything and thinks clocks are cruel tyrants invented by assholes.
Either way, the possibility that she’s going to spontaneously change are really, really low.
So here’s two versions of what you can do:
1. You can try using curiosity to make actually showing up for dates with you a fun activity for her that she might actually put some effort into.
You know “OK, we’re getting together Tuesday at 7. Make sure you’re wearing long pants and a crazy wig. I’ll tell you why then.” (Probably not the best example.)
2. You just stand up for yourself and show that you’ve got some self worth.
Which means you stop chasing her. You stop doing all the work. You stop making plans around her schedule. Instead of making plans specifically with her, you say “I’m going to do (INSERT AMAZING THING) on Tuesday, you should meet me there.”
She will or she won’t. And if she doesn’t, you move on. The absolute worst thing you can do is keep fumbling over yourself for her, though. There be dragons.
Whew! That was a long one.
More for you in a few days.
Founder, Digital Romance, Inc
P.S. I put up this weird cartoon for you that teaches you the 3 simple steps to make a man fall crazy in love (so he won’t settle for or even think about anyone else.)
Plus I tell you a REALLY personal story in it. Go check it out.